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  1. pinky808
    These days I'm usually never at my own house. I think this has helped me a lot mentally because... i don't know why but my house drives me crazy. Not sure if it's my dogs that won't stop barking or the obnoxious pink on my walls. [I picked that color when I was 15, ok?] But I'm just mentally feeling better when I'm not at my house.

    You can now find me over at my boyfriends house, in a nice area somewhat near my house. A lot of things have changed for me... but are still staying the same. I'm always wanting to do drugs and to just like take me out of reality. It almost drives me insane because I really like escaping and feeling like I don't have anything to worry about because I get this warm *hugs* feeling all over me. But then my mind races on money, how will I get money to get another pill? If i don't have one for the morning I'll surely withdrawal. But one for tomorrow won't be enough ect ect ect.

    I'm happy and proud of myself now though because I haven't done any oxy in 5 days *yaya* and I'm just over it... I really want that to be the last time I ever have to deal with withdrawing and I'm still feeling some withdrawals... maybe because I took some subs for the first couple days to help with it. Idk... It's hard though because literally every morning I wake up to drug dreams. Dreams of me getting it, seeing the pills in my hands, about to do it. And in my dream I'm happy because I'm about to do it... and then i wake up and look around and this morning I was like "where am I?" and I was in my boyfriends room but I thought I was at home... It was weird.

    I'm soooooo over drug dreams! They make me want to do drugs! lol I'm just like what the fuck... why?

    anyways...

    I *kinda* quit my job that I've been at for over 3 years. There's been so much bullshit with that place but I love everyone there. It's quite bittersweet to me... I say kinda because I didn't give them much of a warning I more or less dipped out on it. That's the part that makes me feel bad because it's such a 'me' thing to do. I avoid confrontation and hurting people or having to give bad news. I'm a pussy. I realize that it would have been better for the business if i was straight up. I'm just scared of people being mad at me. Or disappointed. Anything. It makes me sad...

    But I got a new job and tonights my first day. I'm excited and I just want to do my best and make $$$ to go shopping with. I haven't gone shopping in ages! I need new things to raise that dopamine :)


    Hope you all are doing wonderfully!!

Comments

  1. no eff eks
    Drug dreams are so fucking lame... I don't remember my dreams for the most part, which is good, but I dream about drugs at least once a week. Giant bags of oxy's, a whole kilo of coke, smoking meth and feeling the dopamine rush as real as if I were awake... I'll spend what seems like hours chopping up lines, or trying to get rid of whoever is around so I can break into my new endless supply of drugs. Funny I never dream about using drugs that I still use.... only the ones that I promised myself I'd leave alone.

    Then I wake up. First I'm pissed to realize that I don't actually have several thousand dollars worth of drugs... then I feel ashamed for how relieved I felt when I thought it was real. It's scary that I never say no in my dreams. In reality I can hide from temptation well enough to stay cleanish - but clearly that impulsive addict is still alive and well somewhere in my brain. Drugs are safe, they keep me content, I let go of everyday bullshit anxieties... When I'm totally sober the most pressing thing on my mind is how to get high and escape the boredom of real life. These days I limit getting high to synthetic weed, because without that to hold onto I don't trust my unconscious mind to leave the opiates, stimulants, and downers alone.

    Anyway, I can definitely relate to what you're feeling. Thanks for sharing, it was helpful for me.
  2. pinky808
    No eff eks,

    I'm glad to know that you can relate to what I've been going through, although I wouldn't wish it on anyone! I think having drug dreams has been a cause of relapse for me. Because I wake up with the excitement, and contentment of being able to get high. It's lame. I'm really glad my post was helpful to you though! take care.
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