Okay, so I'm wide awake at 4am which probably has less to do with my low methadone dose than the fact I was so tired I fell asleep at 7pm on the sofa. My schedule has been great recently, the best in years in fact. I've been waking up around 8/9am to have my meth and getting up around 10 when it has kicked in.
I don't have much to do all day so I've been cleaning and making myself a hot breakfast everyday followed by a long dog walk, driving theory practice and practical lessons a couple of times a week. I'm tapering off methadone at the moment which I intend to finish by august and then I'm going to have to find myself something productive to do before I go mad.
It was extremely difficult to get out of my scoring and using cycle, just before i stopped I would score in the day (crack and heroin) about 3 times a week and every single night I'd score and probably spend 3 or 4 hours smoking crack and then trying to inject my heroin. It was routine and though I dreamed about the day when I wouldn't want to do this anymore I just never had any real urge to quit. My boyfriend and I had spent our entire relationship on heroin, we were triggers for each other and he wasn't on methadone like me so he was 100% reliant on gear.
This did make things difficult, he would wake up ill every morning and though I would try to make him save something for when he awoke but sometimes the crack smoking would mean he couldn't get to sleep and would end up using his morning hit in order to do so. I cannot lie still when I am withdrawing, my boyfriend couldn't get out of bed. He would somehow drift in an out of disturbed sleep until I could figure out a solution.
My boyfriend is an extremely clever, funny and wonderful person who I love with all my heart but when he was withdrawing he turned into a completely different person. To be honest, there were times when his anger scared me. I was also extremely irritable a lot of the time which I believe was caused by the crack smoking. There were times when I honestly didn't know why we were together, I always loved him but our being together just did not seem healthy. Don't get me wrong, I never believed I would be any better off without him, drug wise. In fact during times of separation my drug use skyrocketed and I stopped looking after my self properly, it was during his trip to see his parents that my drug addiction reached an all time high.
I was staying with a friend who would leave in the morning before I woke and wake me up with a pipe. I was buying 2g a day of heroin and smoking god knows how much crack. My weight plummeted and my bmi was around 15, I have only just managed now, nearly 3 years later, to get that back to an acceptable level.
My boyfriend was arrested back in Oct 2013, on a supply charge. He only drove a dealer he knew to make a couple of drops to aid our need but the dealer was being watched as his supplier had gang ties. He was sentenced to 12 months and served 3, managing to get completely clean whilst in there.
A friend helped me to get a new flat, and when he was released we started over. The enforced separation made us realise just how much we mean to one another and how we cannot let our addiction ruin our chances at living a normal and happy life.
He is still clean and I am well on the way to being clean too. I am so proud of him and so grateful that he has seen me out the other side and helped me understand once more what it is to be HUMAN.
Heroin will always be a part of my life, it ruled it for 4 years though and I can't let it beat me. I am better than that I have to remember how low I sunk and try to rebuild my life the best I can with what I have left. Heroin clouds your mind and eats away at your soul a little bit at a time until you can't even remember how you got here in the first place.
Without it I am having to face up to the reasons why I started using and also everything that has happened whilst on it that seemed so inconsequential at the time. I hit an all time low and it has shocked me the lengths I was willing to go to for drugs.
On the plus side, I know now that I can never, never take heroin again, I don't want to, I cannot let myself fall back to the shadow of the person I so quickly became.
I still have a long way to go, I have a lot of demons I need to face and I need to decide what I am going to do with my life now.
I think I would like to become an young persons addiction councillor, the most helpful ones I've met have been former addicts and though I have my boyfriend and myself to thank for actually quitting drugs I have met many lovely and caring people who have helped me stay safe and provided me with some level of stability throughout my addiction.
Looking forward to the next part of my life