View attachment 40538 ENGLAND - CarltonCole9 has been ruining the real Carlton Cole's reputation since 2012 and we're delighted to announce that he has signed for WHUFCTV.com as a contributor on a "if and when he can be arsed" basis.
Warning: the below feature contains explicit language suitable for readers aged 18+
As we all know, August got off to a great start as the news filtered through about the arrest of Ravel Morrison. Well that just got worse and worse. After Ravel pleaded innocent, he arrived at court wearing a gold Reebok tracksuit and chains. His sole defence statement was "I have only assaulted 2 people. Michael Dawson & Jan Vertonghen at Spurs away last season" before running round the courtroom high-fiving everyone in the jury. After only 25 minutes, the jury concluded that he was guilty of all charges and he was sentenced to 12 months in prison.
Anyway, the Premier League restarted. The first game of the season finished Man United 0-5 Swansea with new Swansea signing Marouane Fellaini scoring a hat-trick and Louis Van Gaal breaking down in tears in the centre circle. Meanwhile, somewhere in Glasgow, David Moyes was sitting in his pyjamas cackling and gently caressing the Community Shield. West Ham's season got off to a better start as Big Sam's boys beat Spurs 4-0 courtesy of a Mauro Zarate brace and goals from Tomkins and Nolan. After Zarate scored his first, he lifted up his shirt to reveal another shirt saying "Fake Carlton is a prick lol". After this game, West Ham chairman David Gold made it compulsory to have "4-0" in every West Ham fans' twitter bio and if you didn't, you'd be expelled from the Olympic Stadium. After a 2-0 victory over Crystal Palace, West Ham finished August top of the league. Elsewhere, the world of football was in shock as Steve Bruce became the first Premier League manager to release a sex tape. It was similar to what Hull's season would end up being like. Slow, painful to watch and lacking penetration.
Deadline Day time, or Jim White day as it's known for people with a severe retardation. Burnley, having just been bought out by the über rich Brunei royal family, smashed the British transfer record by signing Mario Götze for £68million from Bayern Munich. Götze was quoted as saying "The money doesn't matter to me. I have been a Burnley fan for as long as I can remember. My father used to take me to Turf Moor every other Saturday. When Sean [Dyche] offered me the chance to play in a midfield with Steven Reid and Matty Taylor, how could I turn it down?"
Other Premier League teams spent big. Liverpool bought Joao Moutinho, Arsenal acquired Diego Godin and West Ham continued their tradition of doing fuck all on deadline day after their attempted signing of M'baye Niang fell through as soon as he realised he was going from playing with El Sharaawy, Balotelli and Robinho to Nolan, Vaz Te and Carlton Cole. But things got better that month for the Hammers. In the game against Liverpool, Steven Gerrard (Steven Pennard, Slippen Slippard, take your pick) inevitably slipped in the 78th minute with the score at 0-0 which Matt Jarvis pounced on and scored (I know. Matt Jarvis actually scored.) And the game against Man United was extraordinary for West Ham. After losing every game by at least 2 goals, Louis Van Gaal was in the midst of a midlife crisis. Amid tabloid rumours of LVG snapchatting his penis to Colleen Rooney, Wayne was left out and handed in a transfer request for about the 18th time in 6 years and his captaincy was given to Jonny Evans. The game started off well for Man U, with Welbeck scoring after 3 minutes and it staying 1-0 at half time. However LVG refused to come out for the 2nd half because he was scared that Aaron Cresswell was a jihadi terrorist. Hat-tricks from Mark Noble and Mauro Zarate and an own goal from Luke Shaw left a semi-naked Van Gaal in hysterics on the changing room floor. Meanwhile in Glasgow, David Moyes is pictured in his vest and jeggings gently fondling with a voodoo doll resembling Louis Van Gaal while smirking at his cum-stained Community shield.
October was a month to forget for West Ham fans. First up was a 3-0 loss to Burnley, with Mario Götze scoring twice and Isco with the other. The 1-1 draw with QPR was overshadowed by a streaker who ran on the pitch and attacked Joey O'Brien claiming that O'Brien was "The devil dressed up as a closet homosexual leprechaun". O'Brien was unfortunately given a broken ribcage (unfortunately because it wasn't enough to rule him out for the season) and the streaker lost his role as Man United manager as a result of this. A 4-2 loss to Man City compiled the misery. Petitions were signed, Polls were created, all calling for the head of Sam Allardyce. For the third time in the calendar year, West Ham were in meltdown.
Away from the Premier League, Luis Suarez's 4 month ban had ended just in time for El Clasico. After coming on in the 57th minute replacing Yaya Toure with the scores level at 2-2 he made an immediate impact beating Keylor Navas at his near post from a corner. He then proceeded to bite Navas' neck which left the Costa Rican on the ground frothing at the mouth. As all this was happening, Suarez went in to the crowd, punched a pregnant women in the stomach and then sacrificed the ballboy to the Persian sun god. Suarez was given a 10 month football ban which included no entering stadiums, signing autographs, having a kick-around with his son or playing subbuteo. Off the field, the Police finally responded to Stan Collymore and tried finding the people who are racially abusing him. They tracked down all of their IP addresses and discovered that they are all from the same location. They knocked on the door and found out the house was inhabited by Stan Collymore. When asked why he created Twitter accounts to racially abuse himself, he replied "It was just banter."
After a 1-0 loss to Stoke at the beginning of the month, life-sized effigies of Sam, Gold & Sullivan were burned on Guy Fawkes night. As they were life-sized, Sam Allardyce took an extra 4 hours to burn. However wins against Villa & Everton gave the board an excuse not to fire him. There was much optimism going into the Newcastle match as it was Andy Carroll's first match after coming back from injury. But by the 60th minute it was 6-0 to Andre Villas Boas' men and Andy Carroll had to go off injured after a Newcastle fan threw a paper aeroplane at him. View attachment 40539
Roy Hodgson became the 2nd English manager to release a sex tape this season. His tape was very similar to England in international tournaments. Disappointing and over just after it started.
In world football, Karim Benzema & Franck Ribery were charged with having sex with an underage Egyptian prostitute named Crystal Palace (Not the 1st time they got fucked this season. Am I right lads?!?! Please laugh or my family will starve). They were found guilty after Franck said in court "Her birth certificate may have said she was 16, but her tits said she was 21!" and they were sentenced to 10 months in jail. But if it was any consolation for them, #RiberyLAD made it to the number 2 trend on Twitter in the UK.
The month started off well with a 3-0 win over Swansea, the highlight being Winston Reid knocking 50 shades of shit out of Chico Flores and then doing a traditional Maori dance over his limp body. He did end up breaking his hand as a result of the incident, because of all the high-fives he got from all the players and the fans. However a 4-0 and a 3-1 loss against Sunderland and Leicester respectively signalled the end of Sam Alladryce's tyrannical reign of terror at Upton Park. He was sacked on Dec 24th as Gold & Sullivan arrived at his house dressed up as the Grinch and told him that he was fired before stealing his Christmas tree and punching him in the face. The year ended quite well, with caretaker manager Jack Sullivan leading us to a win against Chelsea and a draw against Arsenal.
BBC Sports Personality Of The Year was almost certainly going to go to Rory Mcilroy due to his Open win, but he came runner-up to a late but deserved winner in Graham Dorrans. In the West Brom v QPR game, Dorrans came in late to tackle Joey Barton, breaking both of his legs and forcing him into early retirement. The Scot was praised by "risking a red card for the benefit of the country". Mcilroy said "I couldn't have lost to a more deserving winner. Joey is a bit of a cunt isn't he?"
After sacking Sam, West Ham lost a couple of million due to compensation, and with the knowledge that all debts needed to be cleared ahead of the move to the Olympic Stadium, David Gold & Sullivan released a hip-hop album under the pseudonym "SuGo" in the hope of reducing debts. Surprisingly the album, titled "The defamation of Gordon Banks", made it straight to the top of the charts and the lead song of the album, Sources in Paris ft. Karren Brady, made it to Christmas number 1, beating X Factor winner Kepa Blanco.
<WARNING> This month contains graphic descriptions of Karren Brady. Continue reading at your own discretion: 2015 got off to a pretty poor start. A late goal from Sir Graham Dorrans (he was on the New Years honours list for his services to football after the Joey Barton incident) meant that West Ham lost their New Years Day opener against West Brom. As an aim to boost team morale, on the eve of the FA Cup 3rd round, Karren Brady tweeted a picture of herself in her Ann Summers lingerie with the caption "If West Ham win the FA Cup, I will take these off". We subsequently lost 9-0 to Harrogate Town, which included a hat-trick of own goals by James Collins and Guy Demel, as well as Adrian literally dropping the ball over the line just like in Rugby. So we may have lost the game, but thank fuck we didn't see Karren Brady's growler.
Meanwhile SuGo appointed Slaven Bilic as West Ham's new manager. Kevin Nolan is believed to have said "I hope he gives head as well as Sam." Slaven hit the ground running, an own-goal from Chico Flores proved to be the winning goal in his opening game against Swansea. An Andy Carroll hat-trick cancelled out a Steven Gerrard penalty (Steven Pennard, Slippen Slippard, Slippy G take your pick again) against Alan Pardew's Liverpool. West Ham were fined £25,000 for "Failure to control their fans" after one fan threw a "missile" at Liverpool striker Daniel Sturridge. However the missile turned out to be a chicken teriyaki sub with extra green peppers.
Off the field, Swansea defender and West Ham fan favourite Chico Flores got arrested after it had been revealed that he was a member of a neo-nazi movement and he had planned to take over England and to "Finish off what Hitler left off". Although this increased his popularity among West Ham fans, he was sentenced to 8 months in jail. He was führious with his sentence.
Elsewhere it was Deadline Day again, or as nobody called it anymore, Jim White day, as he had been arrested under Operation Yewtree. Burnley signed Javier Mascherano, Dani Alves and Zlatan Ibrahimovic. West Ham just missed out on the signing of "The next Steven Gerrard" 16 year old Gustavo Fring from Brechin Berd after he opted to sign for Mexican side Hermanos in the last minute. However we did manage to sign ex-Hammers full back and Real Madrid legend Julien Faubert to replace Joey O'Brien, who had retired from football to become a full time beautician.
Under the guidance of Croatian sex symbol Slaven Bilic, West Ham thrived. First up was Man United. Similar to last time, an early goal from Danny Welbeck put Man U 1-0 up at half time. However goals from Andy Carroll & Carl Jenkinson sent Brendan Rogers' men away disappointed.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Amsterdam, Louis Van Gaal was cackling uncontrollably to himself whilst rolling around in his straight jacket. However after a major striker shortage, Bilic had to turn to the last resort, and called up Modibo Maïga. The only problem was that nobody had seen Maïga for 3 months. Bilic managed to track him down to a goat herder in Kazakhstan who was hiding the Mali international in his hut. After Slaven managed to persuade him to come back for the game against Spurs, Maïga then scored the 89th minute winner and celebrated by calling a goat out of the stands and riding him round the stadium.
Elsewhere, new Real Madrid manager Sam Allardyce becomes the 3rd English manager to release a sex tape this year. Within 48 hours, the video, titled "Let me hoof your balls", in which Allardyce famously quoted "They don't call me Big Sam for nothing" became the most viewed clip in Vine history.
I can't really be arsed doing March. So let's replace it with a fun West Ham related fact. Ex-Hammer Javier Margas owns a car previously owned by Chilean dictator General Pinochent. Was that fun enough? Now where's April?
Everything on the pitch was going perfectly. Wins against a Joey Barton-less QPR and Man City were the highlights of the month. But off the pitch it was different. After a routine police check, a sniffer dog found a kilo of cocaine in the locker of ex-captain Kevin Nolan. West Ham fans rejoiced as the central-midfielder had his contract terminated. He was instantly signed by Sam Allardyce's Real Madrid side, destined to play behind Allardyce, with Big Sam occasionally dropping his balls in front of Kev.
Manchester United became the first team this season to get relegated after the side, still in shock after the antics of Louis Van Gaal (which included arriving at a press conference naked on a wrecking ball, throwing a dwarf at Chris Smalling because he "looked like the lovechild of Ravel Morrison and a depressed potato" and standing outside Upton Park in Speedo's and a "Dench" vest and a BEAST cap shouting "WHERE'S YA FAMOUS GSE?") lost against fellow relegation strugglers Newcastle United.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Manchester, Louis Van Gaal was making passionate love with David Moyes, both now in straight-jackets. In what would usually be a bizarre scenario, but because of how fucked up this season is it was passed along without much trouble, Steven Spielberg bought out the rights for "Ravel: The movie", a comedy/drama about a young boys struggle from being a lonely Northern chav with the dream of playing for England to a lonely Northern chav with the dream of playing for the prison team. Here is the cast:
Ravel - Doc Brown (Ben Bailey Smith)
Big Sam - Jonny Vegas
Fergie - Sean Connery
David Gold - Michael Caine
David Sullivan - Danny De Vito
Karren Brady - Stifler's mom
As the Premier League campaign drew to an end, the season was getting as tight as Ravel Morrison's arse before he went to prison. A 1-0 loss against Burnley put the title race in Burnley's favour and nearly cost a reformed West Ham a Champions League place, however wins against Villa and Everton left West Ham only needing a point against Newcastle to secure a Champions League spot. West Ham went ahead after a Stewart Downing corner was met by the head of Andy Carroll (some things never change) however goals from Coloccini and Demba Ba put the Geordies ahead with 5 minutes to go. Mark Noble goes down on the edge of the area. Free kick to West Ham. Only one man can take it. King Julien Faubert. And before you can say "How the fuck did he sign for Real Madrid? He's utter shite" the ball was in the top right hand corner and West Ham had equalised and would be playing Champions League football next season (Out of all the things I've said, this is probably the least realistic). And that's the end of the season, lets take a look at the winners of this season:
Premier League winners: Burnley
FA Cup Winners: Stevenage
Capital One Cup: Lol who the fuck cares?
Champions League winners: AEK Athens
PFA Young Player of the year: Mario Götze
PFA Player of the year: Sir Graham Dorrans
Golden Boot: Carlton Cole (obviously)
FHM's weird crush of 2015: Slaven Bilic
So that puts an end to the season. What have we learnt from this? Louis Van Gaal is mental, ending Joey Barton's career is worthy of a knighthood, Jim White nonces children and I have a very twisted mind. See you in 2015.
WHUF TV/Aug. 12, 2014
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