Of all the events which can possibly happen during a marriage, this is without a doubt the most crushing and destructive of them all. It is heart-breaking at any time-whether in the beginning or after many years of the marriage-because of the violation of the (assumed!) trust, the breaking of the marriage vows, the emotional effects on the partner who has been violated (what's wrong with me? Am I not good enough? why? WHY?), and many other things, but in my opinion, an extramarital affair in a long-established marriage is the worst thing that can happen between two people.
Now, there are obviously many different shades of gray here, from situations such as those in which a couple has a marriage in name only-for any number of reasons-to "open" marriages, to newlyweds who got drunk and screwed the bridesmaid/best man to one-time, isolated or extreme incidents to any number of different situations, on and on and on and on.
But that is not the one I am talking about. No, the ones I mean are those in which a person has been married for many many years-lets just pick a number and say.....14 years. A happy marriage with children, like the American Dream! Husband works, wife stays at home with the two kids....lets say they are both girls and, oh I don't know-say 6 and 3 years old. Nice big house in a small town, lots of the requisite toys such as cars, motorcycles, swimming pools, and all of that stuff.
The typical happy family!
But nothing is perfect. If you look hard enough, you will always find the cracks and crevices that are filled with dirt. For some people-such as myself-these cracks are as obvious as the Grand Canyon. I have spent a great many years as a people watcher and a student of the human condition, and I have taught myself to see, rather than to merely look. Not that I am a Sherlock Holmes, by any means! But I have been around this ball of dirt for more than 50 years now, I have spent time in many different countries and societies, in many different situations and circumstances and relationships. Plus, I'm not stupid.
I have been watching such a crack for 14 years now. It started out small, almost non-existent in fact, but it caught my eye for some reason. To this day, I don't know why, either. Was it because I am a suspicious fuck by nature and 14 years ago I was a raving meth-fueled paranoiac? Was it because, while it was not my relationship, it was one in which I had a vested interest? Was it because an unusually similar incident which happened in the beginning of this relationship, but before the actual marriage? Was it because I knew the father extremely well, and the son grew up to be practically identical in all ways? Was it because I never liked or trusted the son of a bitch, but I accepted him because my baby asked me to?
Like all such events, it is a combination of all of these, and more.
A couple of weeks ago, my oldest daughter found out that her husband of 14 years is a serial adulterer. And what is even worse-an unrepentant one at that! He was caught red-handed and admitted to it. He is in the radio business and was working a remote broadcast at a local nightclub, met this (younger) woman, got her a job, and has been letting her stroke his microphone for several months now. Paying her bills and taking her out while his wife sits at home with the two little girls. His wife has asked him to quit that job and stop seeing this woman and he has consistently refused. He claims that this woman no longer works there and she moved to California for spring break, yet he was seen-with her, at the club on his night off (he told his wife that he had to work), and then followed to the house that she "moved out of". Two nights ago!
He has dropped bombs like "Of course I want to make things the way they used to be, but what if I get these urges again in the future?"
Seriously? Are you fucking serious here? NOT "lets fix this", but "back to the way it used to be", i.e. before you found out. NOT "I'll neverdo this again, please forgive me", but "what if I want to do this again"?
And then there was when he told her that he refused to quit this job because "if you divorce me, I will need it." Or-this one is my personal favorite-when this was first discovered, he claimed that all of these unexplained charges and expenses that were showing up were because he had discovered that he had MS and he was seeing this psychology student for counseling to "find out how to break the news to his family and then live with the consequences of the disease." Because this was a student, they could not accept money for their services, so he was taking them out to dinners, movies, paying "minor" bills for them, etc. And then there was this one, which was almost as good as the one you just read! He spends 200.00 dollars on a motel room, goes inside and takes pictures on his cell phone and then sends them to his wife (To "prove" that he was there and alone), and then leaves and goes over to this other woman's house and spends the rest of the night there. He has started to empty the joint accounts and has emptied his personal account some time ago, paid off all of his credit cards with the money that was supposed to go towards her cards, and shit like that.
He has made it very obvious, in both word as well as in deed, that he has no intention of trying to fix the marriage, stop the current extramarital affair, or change his future behavior. He has even indicated to her (early in this discovery) that perhaps she should rethink her objections because "she likes the big house and all of the nice things". He has also indicated in certain ways that this is not the first time in the course of this marriage that this type of thing has occurred.
I have pointed out to her the things I have seen and the conclusions I have come up with, and my observations have led me to the obvious, albeit very heart-breaking, conclusion that she should cut her losses, file the paperwork before he does, and do what needs to be done before she is hurt anymore. Or the two little girls are affected by it. He is not going to change, and he is going to continue to use her until she stops him.
Which is exactly what she has refused to do. She has become the ostrich, with her head in the sand and her ass in the air. She is hoping that it will all blow over somehow and things will magically return to Candyland, while he is pounding that ass bloody and laughing like a hyena. She has chosen to refuse to see what is in front of her, and when forced to confront it, she refuses to admit it.
She says that she knows what he has done and what he is continuing to do, she knows everything.....but she wants to "give him a chance".
Huh? What the fuck do you mean, a "chance"? A chance to do what? He is fucking someone else, you know about it, and you are not doing anything about it-he isn't going to change a fucking thing! All I can figure out is that she is giving him a chance to make sure that he has taken everything of value while leaving her with all of the debts, and she is giving him the chance to hurt her again, or as much as it takes for him to get what he wants. Maybe she is a closet masochist and wants to see just how much mental and emotional pain she can handle. I guess there is a chance of that.
Now, I have had my heart broken a multitude of times. I have been through a divorce in which it was my wife who was cheating on me while I was in the military. I have been in relationships that have ended badly and I have been the cause of that ending on occasion. I have been both the breaker as well as the breakee of hearts, although by far the greatest has been as the breakee! I have stood by good friends as they went through this situation, on both sides of the argument. I have learned that the best rule by far is to be supportive, but not judgemental. No matter how you may feel about the parties involved-from loving both of them to not really liking either of them very much and everywhere in between. It is not for me to judge the relationship of another.
Well, I mean outside of obvious or physical abuse of course. If you are a male and you physically abuse or hit a woman in my sight, I will force you to cease, regardless of the location or situation. And before you throw a fit (What if she is an Amazon and he is a midget?), it is my personal code that a man is not to put his hands on a woman or a child in anger or with violence, regardless of the circumstances. It is far from perfect and is not required to make sense, it is my personal code. But this (lucky for the parties involved!) is not the case in this particular situation, so we move onward.
While following the above-mentioned rule is by far the best course of action to take, that kind of changes a bit when the woman in question is your daughter. Things get a bit muddy and impartiality becomes quite difficult to maintain, and I find myself going through quite a "swing", from one pole to the other, so to speak.
On one hand I want to protect her (she is, after all, my baby!) while I pound him. However, my baby is 31 years old, has been married for 14 years and has two kids, so you would think that she is adult enough to handle her own business. On the other, I have been telling her exactly what he is going to do well in advance of him doing it, and she refuses to act on it. I point out to her all of the things he has already done and tell her why he has done all of these things (the bank and credit card accounts, among others) and then tell her what is going to happen if she does not take action, and she just.....sits there.
You cannot help someone who does not want help. Jesus Christ, you think that, of all people, I should know that!
Even if you love them dearly and you hurt right along with them. Some paths have to be walked alone, some pain has to be lived through without surcease to be learned from, sometimes offers of help have to be shunned, and sometimes hurt has to be lived and experienced to be meaningful and relevant.
Sometimes you have to walk away so they can walk on alone, and you have to trust that they will come out of the other side without too many scars. No, sometimes you just cannot help someone.
But that is really only one part of the equation though, isn't it? I mean, if you cannot (for whatever reason) achieve a desired result by effecting a change on one side of the equation, perhaps you can achieve that result by effecting change on the other side of said equation? Perhaps pressure can be brought to bear on the offending party, rather than the party offended? Perhaps if help cannot be offered, hurt can? Such crude and blatant tactics certainly lack the elegance of a well thought-out and executed plan, but hey! One works with what one has at hand.
In this case, what I have in hand is the law. It would seem that, at least for the next few days, adultery is still unlawful in the state of Colorado, specifically a felony violation of the Colorado Revised Statutes 18-6-501. I say for the next few days because there is a bill going through the state government at this very moment to overturn the law and take it off of the books, but for now, letting Willy out to play in someone else's field is against the law. Of course, there is no penalty listed for the offense and apparently there has never been one, but still, the law remains on the books, and I am certain that a "radio personality" who is trying desperately to get his career off of the ground could be derailed by such public allegations. And while there is no penalty per se for the adultery charge, there is for all of the associated offenses he is or has committed, such as the liquidation/hiding of assets, fraud, and whatnot.
Sometimes, just the threat of public exposure will do what certain private exposure could not.
OK, lets continue with this line of thinking a bit more. Should I make that threat? I mean, following through on it would not be an issue for me at all, but would it be right? Should I "lower" myself to such actions? Obviously, one should never issue a threat if one is unable to follow through with it. But these are actually details, and do little more than distract from the real issue, which is......Is this any of my business to begin with?
Yes, it's my daughter, yes my wife brings it home more than I would like, yes I am involved whether or not I wanted to be, yes to all of these and more! But it boils down to this-she is a grown woman and is quite capable of taking care of herself-even IF I do not agree with the way she is doing so! If this was an acquaintance or distant friend, would I want to get involved? Hell no! If this was a somewhat "close" friend, would I get involved? Again, probably no. For that matter, even if it was a relative of some sort other than a child, the answer would probably be no. So why would this situation be any different at all?
So, I will give her advice only when she asks for it, and only on what she is asking for. I am not going to get angry for her or on her behalf, because that is not my job to judge or pass sentence on her husband-he is not cheating on me! I have told her quite clearly that I can tell her exactly what will happen next, as well as what she might want to consider doing in order to turn such events to her advantage, but that I will only do so if specifically asked. I will no longer volunteer any information or insight as to what her husband will do next. I want to see her happy, but I cannot dictate the manner or method in which she tries to become so. If she chooses the path of thorns, then I will support her decision!
I have given considerable thought to the idea of turning his life upside down in a variety of ways over the past 24 hours, and I have decided that there is not sufficient reason for me to get involved to that extent. While it would certainly throw him a curve as far as his plans go, she is not smart enough or quick enough to take full advantage of the situation and turn it to her benefit. I hate to say that about my daughter, but lets call a spade a spade here-she needs a GPS and full color directions to cross the street and check the mail! And as arrogant as he sounds, he has a point about needing to keep all of his jobs if she decides to file for the divorce, so getting him terminated would be counterproductive at this point.
In addition, she is unwilling to play the game brutally. She still has the idea somewhere in the bottom of her mind that he cares about her and would not deliberately hurt her-regardless of the evidence of her eyes and ears over the past couple of weeks. Regardless of the continual lies and on-going deception that has now made it across his workplace, across facebook, across all of his/their family and friends, and across the little town that we all live in. He is rubbing her face in the fact that, not only is is still banging this broad, but that he doesn't really care what she thinks. That, plus the fact that he thinks that she is not smart enough to do anything about it. Right now, he is cleaning out the bank accounts, paying off all of his cards and running all of hers up, and doing everything he has to do in order to leave in as comfortable a manner as he can arrange. And he is right-she is not smart enough to stop it, or even realize the extent of what he is doing. It is sad.
Throughout all of this discussion, not much has been mentioned regarding the other woman in this mess. Now, I admit freely that my information in this regard is second-hand and comes from a family member who works in the same place of business with this girl, but word is that she is: either 19 or 20, blonde, weighs more than the wife but is not a swamp mama, is in college getting a degree in pol-sci, has big tits (bigger than his wife's, which are pretty damn impressive to begin with, given where they came from), attractive, but not a "knock-out", has at least two jobs and goes to school full time, and several other attributes, which, when taken all together, give a picture of a pretty normal-sounding, motivated young woman.
Again, keeping in mind the sources, her side of the story has been that she did not know he was married, which we later found to be true, and that she told him that she did not want to get or stay involved with a married man. At this point, it gets a little hazy-he has told her a couple of different versions of the story, none of which have anything to do with what his wife is actually doing! For instance, he has told this woman that "it is all over for all practical purposes between him and his wife" and then his wife shows up at work looking to make a scene.
So, the other woman is a bit suspicious that things might not be as over as he is leading her to believe and seems to have given him a deadline-she leaves for two weeks on spring break and he has his situation settled by the time she gets back, or he is still married and she hits the road. He is playing the wife, because he is not ready to commit 100% here, and playing the girl because he is afraid to leave the wife 100%, and now he is stuck. He makes the break with the wife for good and she divorces his ass and takes all of his money, but he tries to maintain the status quo and the girl friend leaves and his wife STILL takes all of his money! No, his ideal situation was when neither woman knew about the other and he could keep it that way.
I think I kind of like this. Or at least, I'm going to! But I find that I feel sorry for this other woman, as it seems that she is going to come out the loser no matter what happens. From what we have been able to find out, she is quite sincere about not wanting a relationship with a married man. It also seems that she was duped by this guy as well, and was not an active player. So, she finds out that he has, and is, lying to her about the divorce and she leaves-she gets hurt in some way. He goes through with the divorce and she agrees to continue the relationship and she gets.....him. A cheater and a liar. It seems like she is the one getting screwed here!
But while I can sympathize to a certain extent with her plight, it is none of my "affair"!