So some of you may know me, but I doubt most of you do. I have a pretty active thread with detailed discussion going on about my opposition to the 12-step ideology and why I don't go to any of the groups anymore, citing my experience of being kicked out of the team of trusted servants at my homegroup because I came clean about using subutex recently. More can be read here.
So, needless to say I've got a pretty small support group. My immediate family (mom, dad, brother) are all very supportive but obviously none of them coming from a place of experience means they don't quite "get" everything that's going on in my head. My brother had come back home from college, 3 hours away for the holidays, while my aunt and cousin from the other side of the country flew over for 2 weeks. Family gatherings tended to be times when I would relapse onto dope, because I felt less of the spotlight was on me and I could "finally" just relax and be to myself. My mom had picked up on this pattern so she has been keen on me, a little (lot) too much this past week.
Let me go even farther back, before everyone showed up and it was just me and the parents, we were going to court for my first check-up on probation. 4 months after being put on probation for 12 months, 1 of my 3 court checkups, and 4 drug tests under my belt - 3 of which were positive for something that shouldn't be there (weed once and opiates twice). I had done no community service (I figured I still have 8 months left why the hell should I do it now) and had been working for maybe 2 of the 4 months, the rest of the time sitting on my ass. My parents weren't feeling too great about the check-in, obviously. Might I add, I am an adult on juvenile probation, because I committed the crime when I was a juvenile and turned 18 before we even settled in court. My attorney is a piece of fear-mongering shit, greedy to the point of excess and clearly doesn't give a shit about my case, even though we are paying him a LOT of fucking money to represent me. Anyways, I would have been fried had it not been for my godsend of a probation officer - his goal is for REHABILITATION and not PUNISHMENT. He has never violated me for a failed test, never called me in randomly for a drug screen and never has shown up at my door to look around my house (all of which he has the right to do) - what I'm saying is, he isn't trying to catch me slipping, he's just trying to help a young man caught up in a bad situation.
Thanks to this probation officer, court was a breeze, my attorney didn't have to say a word (thank fucking god, I think I would have objected and taken over), and the judge basically said "look, I get it you're still struggling, but I expect better next time, that's all - take this as a warning" and we were on our way in 3 minutes. Phew.
Saw my probation officer only 2 days later and explained to him that his report saved my skin, and he was glad about it. I did my test and went on home, and here again is another trigger for me - having done my monthly check-in for probation, I had an WHOLE MONTH to use drugs and not get tested. But this time was different, I was on subutex and I had my head in the right place, I knew for me using opioids was all or nothing; either I give it everything I've got, all of my resources and time, or none. Christmas was coming up and I had made it clear to my parents I didn't want anything, didn't feel I deserved it and that they've spent enough money on me with the court fees and the attorney and whatnot, but they still surprised me with some small, albeit very meaningful gifts. My new wallet was the best gift I had ever got, I never had needed something so badly; all the electronics I had received in the past were frivolous and just for entertainment, but my wallet was falling apart and barely able to hold any kind of money - my dad had replaced it this Christmas with some $50 designer wallet. I had cried during that Christmas morning, because receiving gifts had never been so meaningful.
The next day my aunt and cousin arrived, and things were absolutely chaotic. Friends of the family over for dinner at night, festivities, and alcohol everywhere. Everyone was getting drunk and sleeping early, and while I did participate in some drinking (very little, I had a small glass of tequila one night and a few beers another), I felt really out of place the entire time because this was not the scene I was used to, these people were too happy. This was the first time me and my cousin had seen each-other in a year and a half and both of us had done a fair share of maturing, we were both adults and while he's a year older than me, we had bonded about so many things we didn't realize we had in common and agreed that we were so much more fit for each-other than he was with my brother (who's room he was sharing and spending most of his time with). He had expressed jealousy over the fact that I had a girlfriend and am in a long-term relationship, even though this guy was a major player (or at least his persona and looks made it seem as such). My girlfriend had given me a little bit of hash over xmas and I decided to split it with my cousin, and we bonded for hours talking about things we had never talked about before, and that is what kept me from using dope that night.
The next day I went for a hike with my aunt and came out the other end up $32. I won't go into details but lets just say it was a great day.
And now here I am, family is still here after the holidays are behind us, going back home in a week or so and I'm not sure what is next. It's been great seeing them and this holiday season went by faster than I could have hoped for, I was dreading it and it's already gone; and the best part is that I'm still committed to subutex and still not using opioids.
There may be 0 reads on this blog post and I wouldn't be upset, I just wanted to get it out somewhere how I was feeling about the past few weeks in general, and if anybody who does happen to stumble upon it has something to say, please feel free to.