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Feeling blah... and more of the same crap.

By jessilee · Mar 26, 2014 · ·
  1. jessilee
    Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting the different results.

    Yes. This is so true. Yet i keep trying to get different results. And its just not going to happen. Wether its trying to change a relative or relationship, trying to get immediate results with the least amount of effort or plain old trying to get a jerk that has never tipped a dollar, after serving him half the day and listing to him bitch, to finally tip for a change.. (I keep telling myself im not going to be nice to him anymore, yet I am) I get so mad at this and frustrated cause I have to accept the things in life I cant change. But lately im stuck on the "thats not fair" train.. and I dont get why.

    Ive stayed clean, yet become depressed. Loose tempered, and frankly, a bit mean. I started to hate working out cause the results of losing weight were so easy with drugs. And I seemed to find answers to everything while I was high. Even though I physically feel sooo much better, my brain still doesn't. I guess using so long daily kind of messed it up. I dont crave meth, or even really want it since all the issues it caused, I feel like my personality was better on it. Im starting to think I actually do have ADD because I cant keep a straight thought to save my life. Which worries me in my new banking position. Im positive it will all work out but I cant figure out why im not satisfied, and lacking plain old gratitude.

    My dad called a couple days ago... for another letter. To a judge again. The usual honey dripped voicemails even equipped with "I love you" and "please and thank you" I feel myself getting sucked in again. And my "insanity" thinks maybe this time he will change or means what he says. I know its another rollercoaster. But im sure I will write it anyway...

    I think that its been a crazier journey getting clean than it was while using. Things just either were moving so quick and I didnt realize that some of the experiences I had were severely dangerous and stupid, or just I was just so strung out they seemed "OK" but getting clean, time is standing still. I wait, try and plan, but dont have many answers. Im finding out though my family knew... they just were waiting. My behavior was erratic. And very rash.. for God's sake I went and filed for divorce cause I had all the answers. And I was basing it on the past year of my marriage and the whole time I was using and took no responsibility for the ultimate demise of my marriage. (It was still long time coming thou...I think) I just feel a touch lost today. This attitude doesn't last. It just stinks :/

    Immediate gratification is a lie. And I have to give being clean its chance. Good things come slowly I guess. Im hoping to see a light here, or have a revelation. See some progress for the healthy life.

    Hope everyone is well


  1. detoxin momma
    hi jess-im so sorry youre having a hard time right now.but someone with a personality like yours wont suffer long,im sure of it:D
    i feel you on hoping your father will change to.i have that kinda relationship with my mother.it really blows when their supposed to be positive influences,and offer atleast a lil support and optimism into our lives.yet they dont.they just make shit worse!its not fair to us.its BS when we gotta parent our parents!

    anyways,sorry to hear about the divorce.but i bet you have good reasons.
    and 2 jobs!wow.atleast it keeps you busy right?
    your kids are lucky to have such a good hearted woman for a mom btw.

    it does feel like time kinda stands still when youre getting clean.but you know what they say,nothing easy is worth having.one day soon it will all seem like a bad dream...i'll exit with,"this to shall pass"..

    your friend~detoxin momma(((((:)vibes:))))))hugs
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