It's depressing when you see other people who have made the choices you *could have* made and are much vetter off for it. The People whos lives have turned out great while yours is royally screwed. It's depressing to think of how you can never go back and change what you did/didn't do. You cant repair the damage that has followed. And its even more depressing when your current state of misery is because of someone else's poor judgement, someone who no longer even gives a fuck about you..
Yes, as you can tell today I am a little down..
Can't seem to avoid those people who are younger than me and yet have achieved everything i ever wanted to acheive.. those people who's lives turned out great. Maybe im a bad person but I cant just be happy for them. So instead I just resign myself to the fact that i will never have that perfect life and focus on upcoming RC experiences. If you can't cure the cause you can at least treat the synptoms right?
So ATM we have the workhorse 4-meo-pcp which has become my de facto replacement for methoxetamine. That's great for day to day pain relief (literally today as I have toothache) but well for this weekend something special is called for. Something to really take my mind off of things. So ive got some 25c-nbome coming which should make for an interesting time... Have a new trusted vendor now so have been contemplating a few new RCs to try that my old vendor didnt stock.. some of them seem pretty untested though even by RC standards, ive seen a few vague trip reports scattered amongst various threads but nothing concrete, verifiable or confidence inspiring..
Need an adventure though as I'm Not really going out of the house much these days and to be honest the prospect of really commiting to being a recluse is getting more and more attractive. It simplifies things tremendously when you have developed a deeply ingrained contempt for most people. And I'm sort of the right personality for it too i have 'eccentricities'.. well thats what i call them, most people would probably just say I'm a bit of a weirdo. but staying in all the time can drive you a little stir crazy and 4-meo-pcp doesn't seem to be capable of giving total dissociation like MXE could (or at least not at the doses ive tried) so yeah, the 25c-nbome or something 'novel' may be just the ticket.
The only psychadelics I've tried previously are mushrooms and aMT, never had LSD as you cant get it round here, and aMT has never given me significant visuals which is kinda what I was hoping for from it. infact I've had more convincing 'trips' during the scatty phase of ecstasy than with aMT. and ofcourse, loads of interesting, awe inspiring and downright terrifying trips with my beloved dissociatives.. I think the next thing I'm gonna aim.for is DMT. I want to experience a 'breakthrough' trip. It sounds like a pretty incredible experience and the kind of thing you would be glad to have been through regardless of if it was positive or not. I mean i HATED plateau sigma on DXM but I'm glad I experienced it first hand. The K-hole is another place I love to visit and my experinces there have been almost universally positive. *can* you acheive total dissociation on 4-meo-pcp within a reasonable dose?judging by others reports no. And I'm not willing to experiment with too high a dose.
So yeah I'm gonna spend the immediate future drowning my sorrows so to speak. If i keep piling up the mind blowing experiences then sooner or later I'm bound to feel better..
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feeling down and looking forward to a little 'distraction'.