Feeling like I'm in a funk.

By pinky808 · Apr 28, 2012 · ·
  1. pinky808
    It's been a while since I posted in my blog. I don't think that's a good thing for me because this blog and this site do help to keep me motivated to stay clean.

    As of now I have no days of no oxy. I mean I did it like an hour ago and I'm still feeling it. What I like about it is the feeling of okayness that I get in my chest... Like a slowed down heart rate and the fact that I feel some sort of tiredness. I never am tired... my mind is in constant rush mode. It's like I play out all these crazy insane experiences that haven't happened yet (scenarios) and I think of the worst that could, but hasn't, happened. It's super lame.

    Over the past month I've been doing pretty good. Although I keep relapsing I do keep quitting ocs with the intent of never going back to it. And I swear I'm serious and I want more than anything to be functioning without it... It's just that I can't stay off for long enough for me to feel "back to normal" again. The whole reason why I think ocs have taken over my life is that it took away my anxiety. As if it were non existent... until the monster of withdrawal came and the cravings in between using became worse. The sad thing though is that I know it's only going to get worse which makes it worse for me to continue. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever learn!

    I stopped going to my outpatient program, which was stupid. i was just so overwhelmed by everything. By feeling that I automatically shut down and pretty much block out everything in my life that I'm committed to. It's so easy to just do that. I just need a serious vacation where I can just go and recover.

    After that the craziest thing that I never ever ever ever thought would happen to me did. I fell in love! With someone who loves me too, for who I am entirely. He is so amazing. It's been about a month of us together and I'm so happy. Never thought a relationship could be this way. Although now I'm sure this is how it's supposed to be. Not to mention that I'm 100% honest with him about EVERYTHING from a-z including drug use and he understands being a recovering heroin addict. I'm really happy to have his support. I'm blessed. Don't want it to go away... another reason why I wanna be better too.

    Anywho I hope you all are doing wonderfully!!! Keep thinking positive my friends

    PS: I have another "stopping plan" as I call it. I'm gonna keep everyone (mostly myself) updated via here. Wish me luck <3

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  1. Buzybee
    The first tentative steps out of your uncomfortable comfort zone! Very brave and clever girl always have a plan unless you plan to fail someone once told me. Keep on posting no matter what we will all will you strength to carry this through. Hugs from Buzybeex
  2. pinky808
    Thank you so much for your support! I've been busy being bad and doing ocs... it sucks though because I'm really living in constant guilt within my own self which is really the hardest part. I'll be doing it with friends and be telling them I want to stop. It's quite twisted but today is day 1 for me all over again.

    Sending positive thoughts your way!!

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