Feeling lost

By pinky808 · Jun 18, 2012 · ·
  1. pinky808
    ugh. Words can't describe my feelings right now. Mostly dissapointment in myself. I hate the way I am. Like can't get this monkey off my back you know what I mean? My whole body aches and i'm restless as fuck. All the way into my head. It sucks... after I popped 2 orange xanax's I'm still feeling like shit. It's pretty discouraging. Feeling this way.

    ...Right now I'm by myself in my room... withdrawing from oxy. Why can't I just stop? I really don't know. I have before... I try everyday but I'm scared. It's so hard for me. I feel like I'm mentally not capable to be going through this right now. I went to the hospital earlier tonight and spent 2 hours there because I was having extreme anxiety and withdrawal and they hadn't really helped me AT ALL. I dont' know what I was expecting. Like they didn't even prescribe me clonidine. Do they think i'm gonna become addicted to that or something? Because I won't. i simply cannot endure this. I don't know why thats so hard for them to understand. I felt stupid being there thinking that maybe everyone thinks its lame that I'm there.. like why is she here she doesn't need to be here. And all I did was cry the whole time I was there. Fuck this shit though seriously. I don't have anything to help me. I'm all alone right now. Came back home instead of staying at my boyfriends house and Idk... maybe I'm glad I'm here but I would rather be with him. Even though he's asleep because he's sick as fuck.

    It just sucks right now. I'm mentally not capable to endure this for real. I don't know what to do with myself. It's hard. The hardest thing I've ever gone through and I'm ALWAYS going through this. i want to quit... I really do but I can't stand the cravings. I can't stand the wtihdrawals. But i'm so broke. So so so broke. I am in debt from this. It's almost like I want a gun to be put to my head (not that I would do that even if I had access to a gun) I just can't stand this anymore and I'm at a breaking point. Sucky thing is that a lot of the time my cravings come from boredom. How lame is that?

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  1. Hellestopholes
    Oh Pinky - I feel exactly what you are saying about this. I wish you all the best in finding the strength to turn it around. You still have EVERY chance to enjoy the rest of your life.

    I've been hooked on and kicked just about everything over the years - (bar Coke and Meth)
    Been off all opiates for almost 7 months now, which is a personal record. I want to try be careful with what I say to you because I've made too many mistakes along the way and really should have died long ago... in a way I did. Long term burnout is a ghost-like existence. :confused:

    I just wanted you to know that I get what you are going through 100%.

    Please hang in there!
  2. pinky808
    thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate your kind words and the fact that someone can relate really means so much to me. And congratulations on your stellar recovery! How did you go about quitting the opiates?
  3. AllAroundTheLight
    As I sit here typing this to you, I feel as though I know exactly some of the emotions going through your head. I've had a difficult problem with all sorts of drugs. Some weird, some not. Some more dangerous than others. Diphenhydramine, DXM, oxycodone, hydrocodone, now I've been into stimulants which is a whole different world. But the anxiety and deppression i get once it wears off is just as bad, and more immediate. Luckily I'm not quite getting withdrawals from that yet but I do still have access to vicodin and DXM which have been two of my favorites. especially the vicodin for reasons i know you will understand. It deppresses me so much thinking about how every single day i go through the same thing. Do i take it and feel guilty as hell, to the point of being utterly disgusted with myself, or do i try and get through this stone cold sober. All i had to do was make it one more night yesterday to get a week of sobriety, apart from my adhd meds that i'm prescribed. i failed...
    That was the longest 6 days ever for me and i cant believe i couldnt get through just one more night. i wasnt even going through withdrawal! now THAT is lame...
    It's so easy to beat yourself up when you succom to the temptation. i know i shouldnt yet i cant help it. i want to be more drug free but i am scared shitless. i dont have advice that i could give you that may really work, because no advice anyone has ever given me has really gotten through. guess I'm stubborn, but its always like the world has no fucking clue what's really going on with you, and why you feel the way you do.

    it seems so hopeless and you feel trapped. it's the worst feeling one can imagine. you know, just reading your post helped me realized i am not alone in feeling this way at this exact moment. and that alone provides just a little comfort. i hope that my words can do the same. for what its worth, i totally get what you are going through (based on what you said in your post) and i feel your pain. i guess i can say this though. a good start to getting better is to not be so hard on yourself. sounds easy right? nope. never is. don't give up. i seriously wish i could be of more help to you. nobody deserves to go through this agony. really though, one day at a time
    Hope you feel better. I mean that :)
    big hugs,
  4. pinky808
    Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate the post, funny thing is that the last time I quit for longer than 3 days, I did the exact same thing as you. I had been clean for 6 days and then just gave in. I was so proud of myself for almost making the week that I fell into a deep guilt-infused depression.

    Scary to think of how I felt when I wrote that post. Right now I'm feeling better. Mentally, and physically because I'm not withdrawing but I feel better because I haven't been guilt tripping myself lately. I've kind of come to terms with myself and my addiction. It's like I try and I try to quit... but when I relapse or fail should I beat myself up about it? Sometimes my answer is yes as if I deserve to be punished. I'm starting to realize that it's making it even worse for my addiction. The more guilty I feel the higher I want to get.

    Weird isn't it?

    Now I'm just trying to go day by day to get through it all. It's hard but I can't let myself be down. When I'm down I go deep into the sorrows within myself (lol) and it's not pretty. Which some people can't even believe because I'm a lot more positive when I'm around others.

    I just want to let you know that your comments help me more than I could say! It gives me peace to know that my post can have a positive outcome for someone who knows just how torturous all this is.

    Good luck to you!
  5. Hellestopholes
    Sorry, wish I had an easier answer! I had to eventually go on prescribed Methadone and reduced dose over a very, very long time. I hope you can avoid that.
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