ugh. Words can't describe my feelings right now. Mostly dissapointment in myself. I hate the way I am. Like can't get this monkey off my back you know what I mean? My whole body aches and i'm restless as fuck. All the way into my head. It sucks... after I popped 2 orange xanax's I'm still feeling like shit. It's pretty discouraging. Feeling this way.
...Right now I'm by myself in my room... withdrawing from oxy. Why can't I just stop? I really don't know. I have before... I try everyday but I'm scared. It's so hard for me. I feel like I'm mentally not capable to be going through this right now. I went to the hospital earlier tonight and spent 2 hours there because I was having extreme anxiety and withdrawal and they hadn't really helped me AT ALL. I dont' know what I was expecting. Like they didn't even prescribe me clonidine. Do they think i'm gonna become addicted to that or something? Because I won't. i simply cannot endure this. I don't know why thats so hard for them to understand. I felt stupid being there thinking that maybe everyone thinks its lame that I'm there.. like why is she here she doesn't need to be here. And all I did was cry the whole time I was there. Fuck this shit though seriously. I don't have anything to help me. I'm all alone right now. Came back home instead of staying at my boyfriends house and Idk... maybe I'm glad I'm here but I would rather be with him. Even though he's asleep because he's sick as fuck.
It just sucks right now. I'm mentally not capable to endure this for real. I don't know what to do with myself. It's hard. The hardest thing I've ever gone through and I'm ALWAYS going through this. i want to quit... I really do but I can't stand the cravings. I can't stand the wtihdrawals. But i'm so broke. So so so broke. I am in debt from this. It's almost like I want a gun to be put to my head (not that I would do that even if I had access to a gun) I just can't stand this anymore and I'm at a breaking point. Sucky thing is that a lot of the time my cravings come from boredom. How lame is that?