DEA supreme overlord and bringer/destroyer of knowledge Colt Ironhand announces that the DEA seeks to make sunflowers and their seeds/oils a Schedule 1 substance after kratom ban unfairly delayed by public opinion and due process:
Washington DC, USA, also known as the center of the relevant universe:
The exciting and zany world of the war on drugs took an unprecedented turn today as the DEA announced it's intention to emergency schedule a plant many are familiar with. You probably know a person who is addicted to the seeds of this deleterious curse on a God fearing America by mother nature (the crazy drug pushing slut)... It is even possible that you yourself have experienced the euphoric calm associated with eating them. The naive believe it's simply a food that's fun to eat. But now we know the truth, as the DEA, Americas foremost expert on drugs and the way to make them leave your kids alone turns it's sights on Helianthus annuus, known to the layperson as the "common sunflower".
King of the world (but the kind that reminds you of grandad) and protector of your daughters purity Agent Colt Ironhand announces today that, in lieu of trashing all the files comprising the proposed/propulsed/postponed ban of kratom, the agency has decided not to waste a perfectly good stack of paperwork and is instead whiting-out references to kratom and replacing them with sunflower.
"It's a way to reduce waste, I figure people will give us a break for that." The benevolent savior remarked, obviously speaking to those who care. "Our experts, feeling really kind of let down that people didn't see them as heroes for halting the immininent threat to public health known as kratom, or, as we refer to it at the agency "The mighty devil tree that wants to steal profits from good old fashion oxycodone abuse", decided that they would do what they do best (really only do I guess). They would identify a threat to public health, and save John Q. Public's children from their endearing but bumbling selves."
"Our experts were very careful this time to build a solid case for the dangers of sunflower abuse and addiction. Literally tens of minutes of man hours were spent at the local gas station pouring over the facts. And the fact is those things have a ton of fat in them! And what's more they encourage littering, and teach children to spit, which is gross."
"I also conducted a trip into the field personally, simultaneously taking my daughter to a petting zoo to look at this new substance at the street level. You know, it's really crazy how tall those stalks get... They block the light and a lack of this leads to D3 deficiency, especially in the conservative WASP population. Also we never think about how someone could be injured if one fell over for some reason. I was also shocked and angered to observe my daughter showing an interest in the bright yellow sun posing hippies. I feel this is a direct evidence of the sunflower industries targeted youth marketing, and we all know here in America, sometimes to stop our children from doing something we may have done or still do, (but it's okay because we're adults) is to give that thing up. I think even the lowly bachelor consumer of sunflower seeds would have to admit, it's worth it to give up the habit if it protects the children of the parents who complain the loudest. I firmly scolded her, letting her know that some plants were just evil, and wanted to hurt her or kill her. I think it's critical to being a well adjusted adult to fear and mistrust the natural world, and not to be distracted by pretty colors or feelings of peace or contentment."
Agent-of-my-heart's-desire Ironhand says the ban is expected to come into effect tomorrow, at which point all stores need to have ceased selling the substance and to not have a single seed on hand, and all farms that have grown the yellow menace must be either scorched to the dirt or re-purposed as growing ops of good old fashioned GMO corn. When asked what he would suggest all those with a sunflower habit do when their staple suddenly becomes unavailable, he stated, like Nancy Reagan telling that drug dealer No!:
"Gee, I dunno, isn't there some other food out there? Remember, this stuff has been DEA certified as an imminent harm to the public, that means that you're better off without it and any desire to partake in it technically makes you a deviant criminal anyway, so I'm sure you're fine with not having it anymore. Also we still have a few years where we may decide the stuff is not so bad. Hopefully you can find something that isn't much fattier and less nutritious to sustain you until that moment comes or does not, as we, as the protector of your health and sanity, see fit. Good night and good luck."
At this point Agent "I have never engaged in any underground sex partying with prostitutes or cocaine" Colt Ironhand stood up and left without any further explanation or chit chat. I later decided I admire this, as too much extra talk gives me hemorrhoids.
In summation, this proud conservative American supports the DEA's bold decision. There is really only one way to handle the use of drugs in this world, and that way involves,prohibition, shame, punishment and stigma. Just look at all those other countries like Russia and China, they look up to our drug policy. Only those silly stagnant nations like Canada want to try and remain stuck in a past where the use of psychoactives is a recognized and accepted part of the human experience. America will always lead the fight against drugs with men like Mr. Ironhand ready and willing to do what is necessary. As always there will be those who cry balance of power and the importance of fact based science in a scientific field like health and chemistry, and as always those people will just have to sign their cute petitions and parade around in front of the white house, dressed up like hari krishnas or what ever, because the protection of family values in this country is too important to trust to more than one autonomous and single minded entity. I believe that once Trump is president he will make sure that it is utterly impossible to alter the subjective experience of the protestant work ethic, unless you favor dull, stupid and angry via booze or have private pay health insurance like me and can get the really good dope for just a small co-pay.
-copy by Mr. Arthur "I don't speak Spanish" Powers
Note: The above is provided for entertainment purposes only, hopefully not just mine... Colt "I may be fake but I can still pilot a helicopter while it's on fire Ironhand is not an affiliate of the DEA, any DEA in fact as the one here is not the actual one. Any resemblences to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and possibly cosmic. Finally, Mr. Arthur Powers is a devoted polyglot and celebrates diversity. Currently his cause is lengthening the number of options for language on American phone menus indefinitely. Good luck Mr. Powers, all Welsh speakers thank you!