What goes up must come down. Am crashing from the hypo straight into depression - the usual pattern.
Had a really enjoyable therapy session this morning which actually made me more upset - the 2 newest group members were absent so it was just the 3 of us who all started the group together 5/6 years ago. I felt really safe and secure and knowing that it doesn't happen often made me miss it before it was even over. I dont have any friends outside the group and it made me realise how lonely i am and how great it can feel to have friends around you that you really trust - not a feeling I've had outside of therapy. When all the people in your life have fucked you over or even just accidentally hurt you in some way, it's upsetting when you realise what you've been missing all those years. I realised for the first time that I love them like you should love family, not the shitty judgmental way that my actual family treat me. I know that we'll share a bond that will never break after all we've been through together.
Anyway, feeling too upset to fight drugs today, have allowed myself max dose of val and hope for better day tomorrow. Then at some point soon I need to get out and make some friends.......
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