Open letter to the Benevolent Order of Addicts and Alcoholics [BOoAA],
Here we go. I initially came to this site to learn more about the drug I was using. I had relapsed after nearly 7 years clean and sober from Booze and Coke. Back then I was doing about an 8-ball a day and drinking about a handle of Vodka. One morning I walked into the bathroom and put a shotgun in my mouth with the intention of ending everything and to make a long story short, I walked out of the bathroom with a new sobriety date and a phone call that took me to an AA meeting. The recovery as I recall was tough but after a week of the sweats and dealing with some short term memory loss I was on the Pink Cloud for a while. Memory gradually returned after about 9 months and I was deep in the recovery community attending several meetings a day, frequently as many as 5 a day in that first year. Even up to my relapse after almost 7 years I was still attending at least one meeting a day although I admit I wasn't exactly participating in recovery, I had no active sponsees and wasn't regularly talking with a sponsor. Stupid I know but things had been going crazy in my personal life, several consecutive relationships that went bad (to put it mildly) took me to the brink of something much worse than drinking; so, one night backstage at this posh event in Palm Springs, a beautiful young woman who had just taken a drink after picking up her 90 day chip said, "Drink with me" and whether you can believe it or not, taking a drink seemed like a step up from the dark corner I had waltzed myself into. So after the initial horror of hearing the one you love ask you to do something like that, after all that time sober, I walked out of the green room, across the floor and knocked back a shot of Jack with her and quoted Sinatra, "I feel sorry for people who don't drink, cause they wake up in the morning and know that's the best they're gonna feel all day."
Needless to say, I didn't know what I was in for. Or maybe I did...
That was early December, 2012 and although I managed to put together 60 days after that weekend and another 28 in May I basically have spent the last 9 months in the dark hallway, trying to find the willingness to return to the rooms and the light. I'll spare you the war stories, I'm sure they'll seep out over the course of this blog but I do have to qualify that by the end of February I had graduated to Meth and what an interesting chemical that is for someone of my personality and biochemistry. The perfect chemical for someone like me. It did everything I needed a drug to do and I remember saying to myself, "What the hell was I thinking by ever taking coke or drinking alcohol? How stupid to have been using those when this was out there?" I still feel that way. Meth gave me a perspective on addiction that I didn't really have before, it gave me a perspective on the behavioral vs the biological as it pertains to me. Meth pushes just about everything out of the way to take the foreground and wend itself into the fabric of all other activities.
"I love Yoga?" you say,
Meth says, "maybe that's not such a good idea, that could be dangerous with me around."
"I love to travel?" you say.
Meth says, "Man, they have body scanners and dogs at the airport.. Maybe you should stay home, even if you do have that Companion Pass with Southwest..."
"I love Hockey?" you say,
Meth says, "let's pick a more convenient sport like masturbation."
and so on.
Finding the willingness for anything outside of use is tough, let along the willingness for abstinence. It hasn't been easy to find that willingness and I'll admit it's barely a whisper tonight on Day 2 as I write this blog. I will try to write each day but I'm "one poor correspondent" as the song goes and I do believe it's time. There's an aspect of God in all of this too but when I got here the first time I wasn't ready to hear all that. I think it's possible to get sober as an agnostic but I know it's easier if you ask for God's help. Whoever came up with that quote, "there are no atheists in foxholes" never met an Agnostic Alcoholic. He probably never dug a foxhole either. I've done both. That quote is bullshit. More on God some other time but just so you know, I'll be asking for His help. I may tend toward the Agnostic but I ain't stupid.
I came to this website (drugs-forum.com) to find out all the ins and outs of amphetamine use and I sure did learn a lot. This forum has been invaluable to me. It has saved me from "Death by Ignorance" which is only a step away from "Death by Stupidity" though either will qualify you for a Darwin Award in case you're going for that. I probably owe my life to the people on here who provided harm reduction methods and educational support though to outsiders it may seem like consent or encouragement, I'm here to tell you that I do believe that folks who provided their experience probably saved my life or my health from unknowable consequences. I'm pretty sure I'm fairly healthy still but a check up in a week or two will sort that out.
I submit for your perusal my recovery, in real time, as it happens. I'll do my best to be honest and thorough so that I can recover. I'll do my best to be honest so that you know what's in store, should you be seeking recovery encouragement in the folds of these pages. I know how recovery works, I was clean and sober for almost 7 years. I walked many men through recovery and I worked the 12 steps thoroughly so I know what's in store for the most part. I know what I have to do and the first thing is to get a sponsor which I will tend to tomorrow. It's about 11PM here in San Diego and I've set up a cot in my office because I have a pretty nice mattress in my bedroom, one of those 12" thick memory foam jobs (which I've slept in about 60 hours in the last 7 months) and I don't want to sweat buckets in there and ruin the bastard. My office is a little cooler than my room but it looks like a macabre version of a Dr. Suess book with piles of random projects, half finished and inventive contraptions I've assembled of hanger wire and imagination for whatever momentary insistence I'd discovered. For instance, to my left hangs a perfectly balanced contraption designed to hold a votive candle and my long pipe so that I could effectively spin the bowl and smoke with one hand while my other hand was busy on other endeavors... The counterbalance was 12 quarters in a binder clip held in by electrical tape, only I lost that somewhere between Black Rock City and San Diego so I made a new one out of an old zippo that I could fill with the right amount of fluid to get the necessary weight ratio. Binder clips, hanger wire and electrical tape (and youtube) are essential for a tweaker who has grand ideas at 3am. The new International University (YOUniversity of YouTube I think I'll start to call it). I am imagining a high class dinner party where my band is playing light jazz in the corner when I overhear a young man chatting up an old socialite. Thinking her unable to discern his wit he offers, "I'll be doing my Masters Thesis in Assistive Autoerotics this year..."
Little does he know that she wrote the course requirements...
Music is my business so I've set up a few instruments in here to turn to when the anxiety starts and I have no doubt that there will be days when the best I can do is not use. That's still pretty big when your life depends on it. I don't know about you but my life does depend on it. I can't continue like this and I have no interest in using in moderation. How agonizing that sounds. Have you ever tried to use in moderation? I have, it's like all the hell of using plus all the hell of not using mixed with the torment of trying to decide whether or not you should just go for it. I can't think of anything more miserable than moderation. and with that I think I'll head to sleep. That's pretty much how I do things, from full steam to fitful sleep. Maybe you can relate.-
See you tomorrow.