I am a writer. And to be considered a writer, obviously, one must write. That's why whenever I'm on a block and I run out of inspiration, I feel so useless.
It's not for a lack of ideas, because I have many. I guess it's a lack of motivation, or a lack of knowing how to portray these ideas in the best way. I try to just force myself to write in hopes that something decent can come out of it, but I hate doing that. Because it feels exactly like what it is: something that's forced. That's not art to me, art comes at the height of inspiration, when you feel the story in your bones and in your veins and in your heart. I also don't like writing for the sake of writing because it's never my best work and I know I can do better. However, part of trying to expand your craft and ideas is making yourself write when you don't want to. It just sucks, that's all.
I wanna go to my favorite bar, sit down with my notebook, and just spend hours jotting things down. Unfortunately I'm not sure at what time more money is going to transfer into my account, and I don't know how much. I really need to budget my money this week, but it's going to be so hard. I have a medical condition that requires me to spend a lot of money on supplements and whatnot to maintain some semblance of good health, so most of my money is gonna have to go to that. I probably won't have much leftover for the things I want and enjoy like cigarettes, going out to drink, etc. I also still have my cravings hanging over my head, so a sick part of me keeps thinking, "When the money comes through, just go pick up instead." It's fucking stupid to sacrifice my health, though, just to get high. Stupid.
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