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  1. cbabycee
    but im guessing it was a load of shit, but then im a load if shit, honestly. As a Junkie IVing heroin addict and awesome fucking rock star for so many of those years, man I let shit go.

    I'm lucky I have my kids still, and I thank my mother for that other than when Im dealing with my 9 yr old who will refuse to take his ADHD meds. - something I have never considered abusing, although my partner took one to concentrate on poker one night, and he was fucked up. batters my head that they make him 'normal'. and will blame myself for him having to take them everyday for the rest of its life, there is nothing medical which prooves it was my fault, I was on 35ml methadone and still using crack now and then.

    They induced him at 36 weeks as they said Id lost his fluids/. crock of shit, was just a big long cord taking up the space in the scan. his heart stopped every contraction, I knew he wasnt ready to be born and neither was he. They tapered him off orpmorh for 5 days (the fastest they had ever done it, I dont think he went into Withdrawl they just expected it so saw symtopms and needed him to recover from the birth.

    Could have been this, could have been lack of attention, could have been just the way he is. \But I know Im not fully responsible, and parents with no issues have problems with their kids. but as a mother there is always going to be a what if in my mind.

    I digress, I dont know what this Blog is about to be about. am i able to just rant in her?

    I guess its away to get whats inside out.. The saddest thing is i don't remember him growing up. missed his fist steps in prison, his christmas, have no memories, as back then I was just a crack head. no brain.. or just is brain focused on where my next pipe is coming from.
    And damn that kid can be challenging, cant see how Im going to cope without heroin too not even heroin i want anymore; its crack, but then they come hand in hand for me - H for so long has been to bring me down off crack or to feel normal. but I was pushing it, and had I had a clean pin a week last friday i would have hit it up and thats something I havent done since 23rd October 2009. The day i got sent to prison. and 1 promise to myself I INTEND ON KEEPING.

    SO 7 DAYS IS A JOKE REALLY I should never have been back here, telling myself my 'problem wasnt a problem' THE KIDS GO SCHOOL, I GO WORK no committing crime. food in the cupboards, always eletcric and gas - who am I KIDDING. It was unravelling under my eyes. now my eyes are (kinda) open just dropped a valuim and a zopiclonde to try and sleep it off.

    Been sick all day - real sick the tummy bug kind. so exhausted, emotional and my english clearly isnt great and this will require a reread and edit.

    I dont know how this blog thing is going to work, I dont know if I can handle negative rep on my inner most feelings. But Ill take anything a certain (childish) member throws at me. And you will not be the reason I doubt myself.

    I wonder how many people have been bullied on here. and left and messed up so bad when this is all they had.

    For me, for the bad there is always good, no matter if others sometimes wish to bring you down, that is life after all. there will always be others who covert what you have.

    Which brings me to what I have 9 days clean from addiction now. 3 beautiful children. A loving partner., a roof over my head and the support of 100s of people who have been here!

    Ok its not a nice day today - of course not its Saturday in England!! but I have love in my life.

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