By DocBrock · May 17, 2012 ·
  1. DocBrock
    Missed part of my rehab this morning.
    Fucking hugely overwhelming anxiety attack, which ended as soon as it was too late to turn up on time.
    Guilt about not attending. Guilt about letting the providers down.
    Then the depression starts again with renewed vigour. Any sense of self worth stripped. Ego deflated.
    Feeling very small, pathetic and worthless again.

    How long do cravings/wantings last?. First thing I wanted to do when the episode was over was have some poppy tea, or some flake opium, or some codeine. None of which I have at the moment because I gave them up.

    Backup plan, take a few days worth of valium or a couple of seroquel.


    That'll only blank it. You -must- work on it. Work it out. Find the cause. Address the cause, not the outcome.

    No happyforgettycomfortblanket pills. They're what made you like this you pratt. That is why you can't fucking function any more.

    Remember what you were like yesterday?, yes. Fantastic. Best day in ages. But all our yesterdays come sailing into view. Pummelling as effectively as a steam hammer as you try to claw back what you were. What you could do. Knocking your grasp free.

    Yesterday was the me I like. Today is the me I despise. I won't blank today. I'm angry at myself. Like a constipated mathematician, perhaps I should work it out with a pencil, but I cannot draw a causal loop diagram to save my life today.

    They used to be so easy too.

    Still, started the enrolment process for Uni today, having missed the last entrant date because I couldn't pick a bloody 'phone up. Open University, so rolling dates. Figured if nothing else, another degree course will at least keep me occupied.

    Then the guilt about not making any fucking use whatsoever of the matter twixt my ears. Why does every fucking thing I try to do have to bifurcate into 'Do it!, go on!, you know you can!' accompanied by a loud dissenting voice calling me a useless cunt who dreams above his station. These bifurcations can ramble on into a fractal landscape full of 'obstructions' stopping me.

    What went wrong.

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