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  1. derpahderp
    That bit terminology in the title, is used to describe achievement awards in the gaming industry. Like the shiny cool medal I just got for being a 100% geek on D-F. Truthfully, All I did was answer a few questions, linked things and probably was a bit too nosy butting into others business. Don't judge me.. I dont mind helping -cough-cough*even if they didnt ask. :)

    At least the previous member, it had been given to, actually contributed News to the forums. For all I know Im a spammer in some eyes. As such though, I've received some good feedback recently and feel very humbled, that my annoying ability to pop up and ninja comment a post, has actually done some good for a few. (POOOF!@)

    -Im still a newbie here though...

    The knowledge I spit was learned while going through insomniac nights of boredom. What can I say.. I had to culture myself somehow, and I didnt wanna go grab another habit or turn my closet into a clandestine.lab. Nooo-no-no, I wanted the award that says you spend too much time online. Grats, you picturing a fat gamer nerd now, yayyy. Nope, not emaciated nor big boned.

    Appreciate the fuzzy's btw D-F, and Ill be sure to give it back to the next pseudo geek that steps up their activity. Still working on spelling and grammar, along with other cognitive exercises.. yes, my brain, it has been overworked and needs to heal.

    Here's a hint... use the reputation system more often. I don't really post all that much tbh. I do however Read a lot, hence my linking every factoid or references. Originally it was to back up things because I was not well known, and wanted to actually try to make some sort of difference while I was logged on.

    My new bling combined with fuzzy status "Probably Knows wth Im talking about", actually did give me more confidence to be vocal. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be out and about but some days you just don't have the energy..

    -True story


    currently listening to: The Kids Aren't Alright by: The Offspring

Comments

  1. derpahderp
    Going on this geeky side: Sometime I've wonder how my posts are "viewed" as by members..

    User- see's the typical visual of themself
    Outsider- thinks druggie and pays my word no mind. Or takes it negatively.

    My view- I'm usually out walking while typing. Sometimes I'm just laying in my bed with my face attached to the phone :) often times though I'm just doing work, and will take a break surfing the forums. Honestly, most of the comments I make, are given through encouraging via rep(neutral and +)

    I'd guess, that the seperation of individual folks would be neccessary.. And Id wondered to what extent that might go here in the forums. How far can people seperate a stereotype, or pre-conceived notion?

    Meh, /rant
  2. ZenobiaSky
    Awww look at you with your very own blog.. How Cool!!! Congrats on your new Bling!!!
  3. derpahderp
    Warm and fuzzy awards are semi-blingy Zenny. Thank you, and I appreciate that you're back in town. *um, here's your cow back btw.
  4. derpahderp
    When you define geek what do you see?

    While I was growing up we'd watch all those great 80's movies where the geek somehow gets the girl in the end. There was this intense rivalry with the cool people, jocks or popular folks who in their social bubbles defined what was 'in' and what was not. Now this is still true but there's far more to it then "The Breakfast Club" as those characters defined that generation.

    Now, back in my day.. way back in the 90's =) -there was still that same stigma but the advanced placement classes and honors classes were filled with plenty of both cool and uncool groups. In fact most of the jocks and cheerleaders were in honors, and if you want to be exact.. the stoners were in my classes as well. I didn't fall under any of those categories and was more of a social butterfly but still very much a geek(didnt feel like I fit in, but had ties to each group).

    If my geeky nature and outgoing personality intertwined at all, it came out in music or sports and any of the various after school activities that I attended. A normal life was for us to head to the football games, kick back at the mall and get girls numbers or head to the local race scene to check out quarter mile drags.

    Growing up took precedence over long-term goals. I'm sorry to say but the geek lost in me just became lost... more so when his first engagement went down the drain. That's why he probably became so introverted and was able to function well at his jobs and get out of the retail mall environment to work in the medical field and eventually turned some geeky programming skills into another career.

    Eventually I didnt want to continue any of those from the past and went back to what I know best which was being a kid at heart and started learning design plus a bit of programming with his friends. Most of those friends have no branched off into other projects that we're all familiar with in the gaming community.

    That one project though did sky rocket and the creative side to that journey is still seen with current systems and engines utilized in the online gaming community. There's a lot to be said for being a geek. Hyperactive activist for online works and always stuck in the interwebs.. but it never did cut into his social life.

    There was a time before a year or so ago when the geek in me would still go out with friends or play cards occasionally(though in real life, as the internet gambling went bye bye *see Black Friday for reference point. Not to be confused with the retail black Friday), and was doing the dating thing but that point is moot since I still have yet to go on a real date since last year.

    It wasn't due to my severe inability to be social or interact.. more to the point that it's not been a real big priority and Im still getting over a loss of someone I loved dearly in my life. For that though we see present day and now Im just that hyperactive guy who's life has revovled online for a bit too long now.

    *Warm and fuzzy awards are just for funsies, but it did remind me why interaction with reality has gotten me into this pattern of delving into the online vs the real life.

    D-F is a place where the silly side of folks may come out to play, but at the same time it's filled with individual of all walks of life that still have coherency to read and write plus show that although society see's them "this way" we as members get to see them in another way. Rose colored glasses aside though, we all have our dark periods in life, but if you're online here... then most likely at one point of time in your life. You were a geek too.

    All the best,
    DahD


    *Yes that does define it. Get it now? Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy because achievements unlocked, hahaha. They made those lame things on X-Box and other console games? Kids need to feel warm and fuzzy by unlocking their 10000's time defeating such and such. Idk bout grown ass men though.. we just think of em as, "Ahh, a fuzzy moment." (that's just a joke, and nothing to do with the award.. it's more so, the clarification to what Fuzzy meant)
  5. derpahderp
    Often, there'd be natural euphoria moments not so long ago..and I'd text or write as such, but end up derping because my voice couldn't be heard when joking and using sarcasm/dry witt.

    That ^shit right there has gotten me into a few awkward situations.. Not just here, but in life itself. Usually my tone Is that of a playful kidding around commentary. Oh.. And I talk a lot, sometimes too wordy.. Meh -_-'

    If sarcasm was my blade though, mine would be of razor sharp, so I guess it can come off wrong. Idk there's some point in a conversation you see the point to stop and just listen, perhaps be the Fly on the wall.. ? Shrugs*.

    All that being said, if your reading this then wow, ya really are fukin bored like me heheh. No really, if you are reading this, I'd like to let ya know that this is where ill write for my continuing journal: the A-P-F cloudy one. Here's the thing though:

    * this page entitled "fuzzy awards" is Not being shared to guests. It's strictly internal to DF(nless someone changes that), and it's not connected to anywhere else. If that changes ill let ya know.-
    My point is- feel free to talk shit or whatever.. I don't mind.

    APF(the addict, the pipe, and the fiend)was interesting for me, since I'd been able to process some things in my head.. But ill change it up a bit. It's still gonna be about my struggle for recovery but ill just try not to get to down on myself. The previous journal was my mourning phase. I'm now on my get the fawk off my sadness and get on with my life.

    I did lapse last week, but ill get into that another day.
    -peace

    Currently listening to:nothin' but a G thang by: Dre and Snoop
  6. derpahderp
    Thus far my own journey continues. Staying clean was never easy in the first run around.. and thus far two lapses have come about since the start of my APF journal. Few weeks into my sober run and I find more time contemplating onto getting my life in order.

    Making moves to go the distance again and not trying to look back onto 2012. Ill keep this brief...

    -daily routine
    -food, exercise, and a bit of fun(whether it be with my sober friends or online)
    -taking the time to rest when I dont have bouts of insomnia(the real kind of restless sleep one experiences after any sort of use).
    -keeping in contact with the forums, but keeping my distance from any of the triggers that could be pitfalls into thoughts of using.
    -Keeping positive and staying healthy.

    All this has been pointed out before, but really making some efforts to keeping on task. Update more when I can. -peace
  7. derpahderp
    For the most part I've been sober a total of 57 days since 2013 started. There are seventy one days that have passed so far in this year. I have no idea why I just did that math... Perhaps Im trying to stay positive on the days that I didn't use.

    Lapse count equals three, and starting over is beginning to effin' irk me. Course Ill put on a brave face when talking to people, but that's an act that everyone can see through.

    Trust me, Im not trying to hide the fact that I haven't been one hundred percent sober throughout the new year... Im just trying not to think about the muck ups... But as I've been called out on this before, Ill need to make more of an effort to find some truth that this shit happens. I am not a perfect person, and that my faults in realizing that fact is my own undoing. The reality is that I do want to quit, but am having so many issues dealing with those fed up moments of depression that Ill go out and find my patience through medicating. Confronting oneself is just a factor I haven't really done much of in the past.

    Ill be accountable with responsibilities of my career, bills and family.. but not myself. How odd is that?? I don't have all the answers or any solutions to fix myself fully yet. Those things that work do keep me afloat but I gotta find dry land sometime.. and Im not going to fucking float on my back getting there. Now I have to paddle to dry land to keep walking on back to sobriety.

    There are no ills, nothing holding me back, and yet there is this constant cloud over my head that won't go away. Mood swings from happy to depressed and allowing that to stick with me during the week just wears down the momentum.

    So, I guess Ill try utilizing some methods used by others..

    Would Kratom for anxiety and low dose of benzo for depression even help symptoms of an MA dependent person?

    -I've not ever tried Rx's before to find stability. Last time I'd just used exercise and a bit of self-encouragement.
    -It's only been 2.5 months so maybe my impatient ass just needs to stay the course and not try Rx's.
    -I get that each person is different and advising folks on what to take is not the goal. There are no reassurances when it comes to a pill.

    The doubt in taking an Rx and partaking in a new drug is the reason Im asking in the first place. Thanks again. -Peace
  8. derpahderp
    Ill be taking an extended break away from the D-f community. A decision to let go and take some leave away.

    - I expect to be back another time.

    Peace.
  9. derpahderp
    -I can see why my old posts seemed sporatic. I'd assumed a lot.. Maybe was too subtle in how bad I was feeling all last year + a bit of my own lapses that I'd had In Jan - Feb.

    Present day:

    Thus far, I'm sober! My days are hit and miss in depression.. However, it's truly getting better! Spending more time with my non-user friends and getting exercise in every other day has enhanced my spirits again.

    Ill be honest, there'd been a time I just couldn't handle everything that happened last year when my fiance passed away. For now though I'm feeling the pains and hurts.. But coping with it in a more productive way through talking, writing, And just spending some alone time.

    I'm on one and a half month marker. Feeling much better and not dampered each time something pulls me down.

    -Take care all. Peace
  10. derpahderp
    Last post for now. I left a blurp in the goodbye thread and just wanted to say take care to the friends I'd made, corresponded with via dm's, and shared a portion of my life with. Thanks personally to all ya all.

    *dips his hat in respect

    -peace
  11. Moving Pictures
    Well I hope you at least stop in to read this, derp. You did a lot of good work on this site. You were the first person I really took a notice of after I came back here in December. I thought "that guy's pretty cool". I hope life treats you well, man. I honestly think you deserve it. And like they say: if you can't do the next right thing, do the next thing right.

    Be good, dude.
  12. derpahderp
    ^ appreciated that Moving Pictures. I'd read that a week after it was posted.

    -im currently sitting down at the local cafe and enjoying a lazy Sunday. It's sunny outside and folks are on their smart phones and laptops.

    Not to dwell, but I was re-reading my blurps from the past. Last year was too much.. And reverting back to those behaviors from my hayday of my mid-twenties was an unfortunate decision on my part. Unlearning those habits in the past couple of months has helped me grow and develop as a person. Life is good again. "Ya feel me?"

    Delving back into work, school, activities, and whatever gets your mind off of stimulants/Doc was very important to my rehabilitation(self-imposed). Working out and getting out and about has helped keep my mind and body busy.

    Night time wise can be occupied by tinkering, gaming, writing, and just hanging out with a few folks. *the simple life.

    I'm guessing that's what we're all looking for.. A way to entertain and feel some sort of enjoyment and pleasure in life. It just takes some time and a bit of effort to get 'good/better' again imho. (goes out to everyone struggling with addictions).

    Keep it simple and don't think too hard on everything. Life is just too short. Enjoy it. Get outside. Live.
  13. derpahderp
    .. as a way to find out a little more about why I lapsed and how to find my way out of it. I'd written out a journal not so long ago. The ending is something Id rather not update nor touch anymore. Call this what you want.. to me, this is just a way of ending something I finished. To those small number of statistics who get out of their rut. Even to those who are just thinking about it.

    Through talking with others on this forum and really getting down to the nitty-gritty of it all.. It came down to just putting things back into perspective. I did this by reading others and showing some support for some folks that seemed to be going through those same thoughts. Most of what I've written really doesn't make much sense. Even to me, the sober me today, laughs a bit about how horrible it must've sounded. A cry for help, throwing words into the abyss(le internet) and bitching/moaning about my own problems. When in fact, it is just that. My own problems.

    How else can one solve the better by not doing anything about them?

    As others have said in the past. Sobriety is not very fun. It has all of the difficult days without being able to fall back on pure euphoric bliss. <<<< you see that? That's honesty. It is something I will always think about, though less and less these days, for the rest of my life. What life you say?

    The life you make for yourself. It's never too late to keep on walking and dreaming... just so long, as You are doing and living it. (Ive pretty much said all that I can say).

    -peace
  14. Beenthere2Hippie
    Hey, derpahderp (tricky, lip-tripping name, guy)-

    I enjoyed stepping into your personal space and looking around. A visit to you geek-dom was an adventure. Keep writing, nice tales for sharing--honest and self-reflective.

    Oh. There were no tea bags, so I left some for you, in the right cabinet in your kitchen, fed the cat and took out the newspspers. *Welcome!
  15. derpahderp
    Well B2H,

    thanks for the visit and feel free to stop by the virtual digs anytime. Being a little geeky has always been in my true nature. Something I'm familiar with in the words people use and choose to put out there.

    i.e. lending your own voice and advice to others has been your forte'. A voice that seems to have good intentions. "..just as I didn't come to Disneyland for the tshirt.. I did not come to df for the stars" -beenthere2hippie

    Kudos. Peace.
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