Getting High on Life

By Heretic.Ape. · May 28, 2009 · ·
  1. Heretic.Ape.
    It may seem like a sappy notion to the drug inclined individual--"high on life", like some lame anti-drug slogan--but my monkey has been thinking lately and this is exactly how he used to feel: like he was flipped out of his gourd on living itself.

    High on life.

    Ever since he started using drugs, however, he feels this has gone away to a large degree. Like he lost the knack for getting high without a chemical catalyst.

    Do you understand this sentiment?

    He's not laying out a "drugs r bad, mm'kay" rap or anything. He likes drugs and thinks they can be used responsibly without losing one's own inherent ability to enjoy and savor life. That they can be used like flourishes rather than the main course, you know?

    The word that comes to mind is augmenting.

    I'm interested in people's thoughts on being "high on life".

    Is it something we just sort of outgrow as the initial rush of puberty and independence wears off? Is is simply something that some of us neglect and thus sort of atrophies; needing to be excersized like an unused muscle? How does one exercise this muscle?

    Monkey has a kratom habit. He has been unhappy for a long time. He has felt like there is some invisible Wall that seperates him from happiness. Like he can see that there is a lot of beauty and good out there in that marvelous world, that people can be happy, but he just can't FEEL it. It's out there.

    I got a degree in psychology to try to understand the workings and healing of the mind in hopes of helping him and others overcome such invisible walls. But I'm not sure I ever found anything that helps.

    Other than kratom. Kratom seems to dissolve the wall, not so much making monkey happy but allowing him the opportunity to get out his little bubble or rut and choose to change his attitude and approach to things.

    His current theory and hope is that through physical exercise and getting in shape he will raise endogenous endorphin levels, thus (as far as we understand the pharmacology of the matter) acting in a similar way as kratom in dissolving that damned wall. He wants to be self-sufficient when it comes to happiness. He doesn't think it's an unreasonable goal in life.

    Pura Vida,

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  1. old hippie 56
    The monkey needs to get off the kratom and really see the world as it really is. Not some illusion created by a drug.
    The invisible wall is the hardest part to overcome, is it the lack of courage to really face life as life is? Or, it is the possibility of leaving the bubble behind, which he finds comforting?
  2. NeuroChi
    I think that the loss of pleasure in the simplest of things is a byproduct of growing up. I think our creativity, spontaneity, and ability to 'make-believe' quickly declines as we age. This might have something to do with it.

    To comment on drug use as a method of getting high, all in all, I think it has a large potential to deplete our otherwise innate ability to appreciate life as it is. They (drugs) have the ability to show us another world, but they also have the ability to remove us from our world. They can open your eyes but close your mind, or open your mind and close your eyes.

    It can be a shallow search sometimes, going deeper and deeper and looking harder for answers ends up being completely counterproductive.

    Less metaphorically speaking, This Crazy Pot Head knows exactly what you mean. Reminds me of Shel Silverstein's piece on "The Perfect High".
  3. Heretic.Ape.
    The wall has been there for many years, while monkey has been using kratom for a handful of months. He has a rather discerning mind and can look, he feels, at the world quite well. It's feeling the world he has such trouble with. It's being touched. He looks at a beautiful sunset or something and knows in his mind that it is something beautiful; something he would like to take in and savor. But he stands there looking at it and just feels nothing.

    Also he knows that when he's sober he's not seeing the world "as it really is". He's seeing it through a distorted lens of his own screwy brain. All he sees is an endless expanse of wasteland; a vast monolith of obsidian pain.

    He and I went to Costa Rica last week. We were swimming in the ocean in paradise, looking out to sea from this little cove and it was amazing. But monkey was totally unmoved. No matter what his surroundings are, he always feels the same. Apathetic may be the word. But then he took some kratom and walked through the forest and was wide open: fascinated by the other monkeys in the trees, the lizards, the ocean view, etc.

    He's always been of the mind set that we are in charge of our own happiness. He refuses the various prescribed anti-depressants and such that have been tossed at him throughout his life (you may know from other posts that he is diagnosed with bipolar disorder). But his experience with kratom has started him questioning this basic assumption that has underlied his ongoing search for the answer to his mental state.

    He does not like modern psychology because they throw pills at everything rather than trying to solve the underlying issues. But perhaps it is true what he's been told by the doctors about himself: maybe he just has a chemically imbalanced brain that just isn't capable of producing it's own harmonious balance. Maybe he will always need drugs of some type; whether prescribed by psychiatrists or of his own prescription. This isn't an idea he's ever been fond of.

    He used to consider himself literally a lover of Life. He always used to think of life like a beautiful and mysterious, crazy woman who he was having a wild and passionate affair with. He could feel her caress in every beautiful experience he had, kiss her through his every conscious action. It was a beautiful way to live. Electric is the word that comes to mind.

    But maybe that's gone now because his brain has changed as he aged. The time this affair ended was around the age of common onset for bipolar disorder. Basically the notion in psychology is that after the neurochemical changes involved in puberty are over--roughly 17-21 years old--the individuals brain is left in the lurch as it were; not quite developed properly, "unbalanced". So you're supposed to take medications for the rest of your life so you don't end up killing yourself.

    Maybe he's just been in denial that there is actually something wrong with him that he cannot solve himself.

    I don't know, just thinking out loud.
  4. itsmyturn
    Looks like something swimyturn has written. Strange feeling huh. Cant put exact words to it and just saying that its no fun to be a grown-up or thats life is bullshit(unless thats what YOU feel). The people who tell you that DO NOT understand who you are nor do they know why you are here. I cant speak for what I dont know, but it seems like you are O.K.. A job, transportation, and not institutionalized or locked-up. Why so UNFULFILLED? How do you really feel about your life. Did you have higher hopes for yourself tucked away somewhere deep inside? Nothing specific, but something significant. Something that would redeem you from all your past disappointments. The feeling that despite your effort, theres something MORE to your life than THIS. Swim has had that feeling since he can remember. Personally it drives him nuts. He can be doing something productive, then the feeling comes on and its over, his attention goes to what's going on inside his head, which is unrealized disappointment. Swim recently got away from his life for a while. It took him a few months to be able to hear his own thoughts again. Life is non-stop, coming at you. People are NOT like you or like the person who raised you. The only voice to trust is the one in your head. Swim could go on, but he type too slow and he has things to do. Keep on keeping on and if you want Swim will show you the last thing he wrote. He thinks it was a breakthrough for him, and so far it is holding up.
  5. anonuser30500
    Hope things fare well for you bro, and remember that a LOT of people have bi polar, but cope to the point of doing a lot more than people who might be high on life!

    Could be a lot more good has been done by people who are this way inclined. Maybe they/you/we empathise with others more due to their own dilemma.

    Bi polar sufferers ought to be very careful about what drug(s) of choice swims use. Speed, for swim, back in the day, always banished the blues. Killed them dead until the next day, and the rest of the week kicked in. Cycle of madness for a while. Not touched the go fast for way over a decade.

    Never used heroin, but swim knows that many bi polar sufferers did use it. Cured them, I mean, it seemed to cure them. Imagine withdrawals with the kick of the bi polar blues? Bloody hell!

    Not sure of what drug swiy is using, but careful as you go.

    Anyone feeling depressed is just normal really. Everyone says 'I'm doing great' when you bump into them, but are they? Are they really?

    Few of us feel 'great' all the time, we just say we do to try and cheer up others and ourselves.

    Swim is lucky as often he can be happy on swims own. Socially, swim is happy around people. Swim does sometimes feel like throwing swimself into a river but feels this is quite normal really.

    Thing about trying to drown yourself, is you'll be unable to roll up a number afterwards to chill out.

    Ciggarette papers would be all soggy, see?
  6. Euthanatos93420
    Swim has heard this and never understood it. Swim might feel really good about something. But it's always that thing, not life itself. The closest thing would be when Swim recieves a revelatory psychedlic vision about the nature of reality without the assistance of drugs. THis is a frequent occurance for him.

    Swim likes psychedelics/dxm and weed. Other than weed none of the drugs he uses are 'feel good' drugs. Weed itself is used more as a mood stabalizer and sleep aid than as a 'feel good' drug. Although weed does make him feel really good.

    Nothing in the world makes him feel like weed.

    Last week his first baby was born. It's a boy. HOlding him, being around him, and being around the mother make him feel good. Not the way weed does but he doesn't get depressed. He doesn't get manic. He doesn't have trouble sleeping. He generally feels positive about life. He does this without weed and it always happens regardless of when he last smoked weed. Time will tell more but this is a curious new phenomenon for Swim.

    That's about as close as swim can come to relating.

    Swim finds that being happy isn't about not being depressed. It's about being comfortable with the way one thinks. Not judging oneself and letting any regets go and accepting life as it is. Never stop dreaming. Never stop hoping. Some might think there is somethign wrong with Swim's brain but Swim thinks it's just fine and that everyone else is crazy. Standards against which we are judged are arbitrary forms of mind control in place by the Institution.

    Don't look for better or more accurate standards, just stop judging.
  7. dyingtomorrow
    Interesting thoughts.

    SWIM thinks of pleasure/happiness/displeasure kind of like a seismograph (or polygraph) - it spikes up and down in reaction to outside stimuli. And in this analogy, for each person when it crosses a certain line, depending on a myriad of personal factors (which I'll assume we can all piece together without going into, being as numerous and unspecific as they are), they receive pleasure or unhappiness which is a feeling beyond their "default" state. For people who have lived the most basic, thoughtless, and isolated lives, very small changes can register pleasure, like feeding birds, or seeing a plane in the sky, simply because they haven't done or seen much in life. SWIM sees life experience as constantly raising the level required for pleasure. Traveling around the world, laying around in sloth and abandon doing solely as you wish, a group of close friends to party with, sending your mind all over history and the universe through books, and beyond into beautiful fantasy; all these things become markers to measure your current pleasure against. Sadly, SWIM believes, the more incredible, explorative and fun your youth and past was, the harder it is to enjoy the present, or attain pleasure from the normal experiences of adulthood.

    Then of course there is the issue of drugs. While they may be considered "artificial pleasure," doing them with a close group of friends still makes for very real satisfaction, bonding, and happiness. SWIM believes that one of the most fundamental, exciting, contenting, yet anxious and constantly changing, powerful forms of human pleasure comes from group bonding; and to take that one step further and live in a state of heightened love (particularly through MDMA sessions/parties, other drugs and alcohol, and living in close proximity, which all together seem to result in a continuous flow of basic happiness, trust, oxytocin, and contentment) with a group of truly close friends, especially male and female mixed, in ones youth is the height of living. But also an experience that a person will strongly yearn to recreate, and imperfectly and disappointingly attempt to mimic for the rest of their lives. Similarly certain drugs, such as heroin or ecstasy, create the utmost chemical pleasure your brain can experience in a more limited and brief, but still incredibly powerful, drug session; which one can experience whenever one choses with heroin at least. How can anything ever compare to that? How can someone resist going back to that through the pitfalls and monotony of adult life?

    SWIM wants to experience it all. He wants to seek out all pleasure, and cares little for the consequences. That is life to SWIM. Perhaps after living intensely and experiencing the biological pinnacle of human happiness and euphoria, you can eventually lower your threshold for pleasure such that the normal things in life can satisfy you once more: likely requiring nothing less than a strict and lengthy regiment of mundane living; likely achieving this imperfectly at best, as nothing can truly wipe away the memories. Is this return to simplicity really such an admirable thing? Such a better way of living than burning twice as bright and half as long?

    On the other hand, dealing with issues of biochemistry rather than philosophy: concerning severe depression, social functioning, criminality, and drug use (all of which have driven SWIM to his disdain for the concept of a long-term stable life) - SWIM has touched on these in his personal blog story if anyone is interested. SWIM was recently diagnosed as bipolar type II and is completely disgusted with being told to take this cocktail of bizarre and semi-toxic "mind drugs," for the rest of his life. Drugs which work so imperfectly and leave SWIM a practical zombie, when heroin was/is a 100% perfect solution which left SWIM feeling like himself, normal, loving life, and with ambition and desire to participate and do good in this world; heroin, which is chemically less physically damaging, and equal to these drugs in issues of the necessity of daily use, and in withdrawals from sudden cessation - which are for some reason touted as the ultimate evil in the case of heroin, but completely A-OK for these poisonous, brain chemistry-fucking psycho-drugs. It makes SWIM so angry that he is forced to live in either in active and severe psychological trauma, or in a passively unhappy, vegetative, disturbingly disassociated, zombie-like state by law (being that the only solution he ever found in over a decade of intense searching and trial after trial is illegal [including at this point 7 years straight of happiness-useless moderate to heavy weight lifting and exercise which everyone always recommends but never did a single thing to improve SWIM's depression]). Ironically, were SWIM able to obtain a steady supply of heroin or possibly morphine (no, not bupe or methadone; such being approved as "good opiate" replacements by the government because they specifically don't have the uplifting effects), he would disregard his aforespoken fatalist philosophy and be able to live a normal life.
  8. psyche
    Swim has found that it's easy to lose that ability and never even notice. He himself had a period in life, about two years, after which he snapped out of it. Partly because his brother had a psychosis, partly because he had to be drug free for three months for ADHD-screening which he never finished. He was thinking also that he had a messed up brain chemistry. Even if he never used drugs enough to say he was junkie or even addicted, it occupied his life because his enormous interest about them, as well as general philosophical and psychological viewpoint of the world. That kind of made a wall between him and 'normal' people. It was a bit like he was cheating compared to those who only drink of don't take drugs themselves at all, he couldn't subconsciously be as happy on a baseline.

    By truly feeling equal to other people and being open about everything it is possible to enjoy the moment best. Ofcourse there are many people that can be disappointing, but one can be understanding of them too to a point, maybe they just will try to too. Swim got strange sensation of pride about being sober, too, after those months passed. It's kind of the most perfect yet subtle highs of being high on life.

    Swim also thinks we will start a circle over and start from a birth when we die(if there is still hunger for life), so it gives some perspective for him as to how to lead a life; it's good to have one that is nice to watch over when it is flashed over one's eyes in a second. At that point one most likely would want it to contain a lot of connection with other people and shared time.

  9. Joe-(5-HTP)
    You have to remember to do amazing things in real life as well as in the drug universe. Find that perfect balance and you will never feel that you have lost anything.
  10. Imafish
    These are issues which many people- drug users or not- go through. It sounds like monkey knows what mind set he wants, but cant achieve it. The best advice i can give to him is that happiness is determined by oneself. only he can decide if his day went well. nobody else. cuse what do they know anyway? Choose to have a good day, and i guarantee you will.
  11. Routemaster Flash
    Can life be insufflated? Or injected? Do you have to perform a CWE on it first? Can SWIM freebase life? And does it have any known contraindications such as combination with MAOIs or SSRIs? What would be a good dose for a newbie, and would a trip-sitter be advisable?

    Sorry for all these questions, I've UTFSE and can't find any information on it. Drawing a blank on erowid too. :(
  12. Heretic.Ape.
    I believe insufflation and oral ingestion are the primary common methods. A trip sitter is highly recommended for lower quantities (up to roughly 16 years), as well as very high doses (80 plus years). Remember to be very careful, it has a 100% mortality rate. ;)
  13. dyingtomorrow

    Common side effects include: eating, drinking, breathing, laughing, crying, happiness, sadness, elation, depression, euphoria, contentment, anger, pain, pleasure, hunger, urination, defecation, learning, forgetting, working, resting, hating, loving, sleeping, insomnia, stress, muscle gain, wisdom, irritability, reproducing, and ... diarrhea.
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