To the Benevolent Order of Addicts and Alcoholics [BOoAA]
I didn't get to bed until about 4:30 am but that's actually normal for me sober; but, normally I'm up by 10 and although I woke up around then to some chainsaws I went right back to sleep after taking care of the pressure in my bladder which is probably what really woke me up. I managed to get out of bed by like 1430 but I didn't get out of the house to the Post Office until around 1630
I had some of the "electric nightmares" as I call them. When I'm falling asleep it starts to feel like my body is buzzing and it gets louder and louder like the static on a radio that's not tuned in until it's so loud and my body feels like it's being electrocuted only I know I'm sleeping and I can't wake up. I'm paralyzed but getting shocked and I'm trying to wake up but I can't. It almost feels like someone is doing it to me, kind of like some sinister being is standing over me or around me and shocking me to death. At some point I begin to try to thrash around and I scream and then I manage to wake up with a jolt, I don't know if I was screaming in reality but my throat kind of feels like it. Every time I've tried to kick this drug it has been like this. These nightmares literally feel like there's some kind of evil spirit playing with me. I'm not really the kind of guy who believes in evil spirits but I remember the first time it was happening to me...
About 5 months ago I went to my father's house back east because I thought it would help not having any contacts out there. He lives on an island with my stepmother and youngest brother. They all knew what was going on, I tried to give them the rundown but I think I gave them too much info. I had issues with the whole family thing. It was like I could smell their fear and I don't know why but it really bothered me. I just wanted a safe place to crash and kick but it got all fucked. It's like they went and read some book about tweakers who stole all their family's jewelry or something and then they were worried I'd relapse on beer or something so they removed all alcohol (and prescription drugs they told me later) from the house (and my dad literally has a full bar downstairs where all the neighbors come by in the summer to drink). At first I thought it was because the bar had been flooded by Hurricane Sandy but that was like 6 months earlier and his business is fixing things on an island, you can bet your ass that bar was up and running in days. I mean it's called "The Flood Zone." It's be a point of pride to get that thing fully operational before even the lights came back on. Then I realized he'd emptied the place when he found out I was coming. Man I was so pissed. I mean, I realize I should be grateful that I had a family that would go to that length to make me safe but that's not really how it felt; besides, my Dad is a professional Mr. Fix it who literally has the materials to fix anything there in his garage and if I had wanted to I could have mixed up a batch of crystal from the stuff he had right there in the garage. Seriously I checked, even non-sparking ventilation and acetone because they live at the shore and fix boats, fiberglass, painting, etc... The only stuff that wasn't in the garage was the pseudo but my stepmom is a nurse and they have plenty of that stuff laying around upstairs. I could have done a shake and bake in like 30 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I mean I wasn't even tempted to, the kick was a nightmare and I just wanted to get through it. I didn't have enough energy to walk up and down stairs let alone try and cook just to prove a point.
Regardless, I was ready to call my guy as I was touching down in SD. I had to do all this research to get his number cause I had deleted everything but you know, where there's a will there's a way but I did manage to get clean about a week after that for almost 30 days.
Each time this crazy static electric field of evil zapped me and what I was trying to say before I went off on that tangent was that back on the island I was sleeping my my grandparents' room and they are very religious. I'm not a big Jesus guy but I'm more of an "all the religions are basically saying the same thing" kind of spiritual guy but man was I glad to come out of one of those episodes and see old JC on the cross above my head. Haha. I laughed at myself before I tried to go back to sleep but I figured, "if one is true then the other must be true too" so I was kinda glad to have him hanging there looking out, just in case...
I don't have any Jesuses hanging up in my office where I've been sleeping but I do have a lot of spiritual stuff in here. Stuff I've picked up over the years and don't you know it as I look over at my shelf there's is a tiny little cross that once belonged to an ex girlfriend that I've been meaning to get back to her for like 10 years. Whaddaya know? The only reason I've hung on to it is because it belonged to her mother and I know she would like to have it back. I just haven't really felt like seeing her for the last 10 years. Maybe I'll make sure she gets it back after I'm past the breakers. It's a weird looking cross, probably some sort of Wicca related thing knowing her. Yeah, she was one of those chicks. Hot though
I'll shoot her an email tonight if I still have her info somewhere...
Anyway, today was a good day, I got motivated. I got grumpy as hell too. I fired of a scathing text to my roommates about the state of our kitchen. I know I know I'm not supposed to get all confrontational and riled up and self righteous but seriously, these guys have had it coming for a long time. I'm really sick and tired of it and although I have been bitching for months, I haven't really gotten nasty until now because I was all shut up in my office tweaking away and I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself but damn it I just couldn't take it any more. There has been crap in the sink for weeks and the current batch had been there since Sunday morning cause they had a bunch of football fans in the house and I can't wash any of my stuff without moving everything out of the way. It's like, "seriously guys? Salsa and sauerkraut clogging the drain and glasses and bowls just sitting in four inches of scum water? Can we grow the fuck up please?"
This place is pretty run down as it is but this kinda shit is going on all the time. If it weren't for the fact that rent is so fucking cheap I'd have left this place years ago but lately it has been getting pretty bad and I finally snapped. It looks like it might have done some good though actually. I sent a group text and they started texting back and forth and finally the place is clean.
I also went off on a couple of services I pay for online. Stuff that's been bothering me for years, I just finally decided to let loose on customer service. We'll see how that goes. Like I said I know that restraint of pen and tongue is imperative in early sobriety but I'll run that by my sponsor when I get one which should be tomorrow or the next day.
I went to a meeting late tonight but I didn't see anyone who had solid sobriety there. Tomorrow I'll go to my old homegroup at noon and check in for the first time in months.. I'm not really looking forward to it but that's none of my business. I just have to do the deal and let God sort all that stuff out. I had no urges today, I think it's cause I'm really done. Then again, I don't have any junk sitting on my desk either so I'm not trying to act like I've got this. I know how insidious this bastard is. I'm not taking any chances this time. There is plenty of booze in the house though, my roommates aren't sober, but I'm not interested in that anyway, it doesn't do what I want. Of course that doesn't mean it won't sneak up on me. In my experience, not interested doesn't mean I won't take it. I just have to remember I made a decision to be clean AND sober and that I don't get to work the program unless I'm both.
At least I feel better anyway. I cleaned up my bedroom and my office tonight. I mean really cleaned them. Now I'm about to go over receipts, stuff I should have done months ago. I'm not looking forward to it but I am looking forward to having done it. I have a gig tomorrow night around 7 but it's a cake gig and all I have to do is show up with a microphone, not to mention it's right down the street, I could walk to this gig. I've only had this gig for a couple of months and tomorrow will be the first time they even see me not all hung over or jangly. I feel like Jack Nicholson playing the Joker, "Oh you liked that guy, well wait til they get a load of me..." I'm actually much more rambunctious and energetic when I've been sober for a while cause I feel like I can say or do anything cause, well, I'm sober! What can you say about that?
Should be interesting...
See you tomorrow