......but I bear the shame.
Because I caved in to my enemy again.
2 1/2 days without anything, I have barely stopped crying. Seems every emotion I am and have always been determined to block, surfaces as soon as the fog clears. I'd cry so hard I'd throw up, I was just so despondent.
Many, many turbulent thoughts caused these feelings, and I've yet to deal with all that. Avoiding 'all that' is my objective, I believe. Its what makes me fear losing control, in any part of my world. Losing emotional control, that raw, untapped eruption of feelings, I just CAN'T. I have never learned any coping skills to help me resolve all those feelings.
God, I have been hiding from them forever. As soon as my body starts the dopamine droop, and my focus starts fragmenting, the thoughts and feelings, they start their assault on me.
I just dunno what to do, really. And that just adds to the sadness when it hits me, feeling guilty for not knowing what to do.
So when the pain got too great again, pookie was able to get it (the pain) out of my sight. Yeah, I might be a coward. But I'm afraid really of how far my pain could take me, its so agonizing when I am feeling it.
And it felt so fucking good to escape it. THAT'S my euphoria.