I feel like I am terrible human being.Sounds like a slogan, I know.Yesterday I just crossed some of my personal borders because of my addiction and cravings for drugs and feel so bad about it now. They say not to beat myself so much, but I think, beating myself in this case is totally reasonable.
I have relapsed and I know that I have to stop, but I do not know how.Or if even the try to stop me would not be in vein.Because I have lost all the illusions about myself and I know that this is the lifelong thing, I can only make bigger or smaller pauses.At least I do not know anyone who has never relapsed.
I have caught myself thinking that I never want to be clean again because I somehow like the world better when I am on drugs. They used to be the way I selfmedicated myself and tried to forget myself, now I can not really name other reason to use them than addiction and just wanting to be in that state of mind (Even if I guess that all the traumas are still there, I just ignore them).
Yes and I have gained some strange fetish to needles.
I am not sure if I am asking for help or advice, because I somehow do not belive that I can quit. I just wanted to write it down and someone to tell that it is not so bad as it looks ( Haha, but it is). Even if it is complete nonsense.