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  1. sassyspy
    I'll pick this up where I've been addicted to meth for about 6 years.

    I don't use any other substances other than cigarettes, meth seems to solve all my problems. Though I have changed jobs, I'm still steadily employed. I see this as proof that meth really has no negative effects on me.The cost to me is minimal, as I am good friends with a cook who sold to me at reduced rates.
    I had a couple failed relationships during this time, and also lost my dad. When I was laid off my job, I really believed my meth use had nothing to do with it. Today I believe my erratic attendance and other impulsive stupid choices contributed to the decision to lay me off.

    On unemployment, I decided to move to England for awhile and check out jobs. I went for an initial visit for a month (airfare was so cheap then!). I had met some people online so I had a friend to stay with (he didn't know of my habit) but he had a weed business himself.
    To keep from boring you, I'll just skim over how I made it through that month without meth (and even liked it a lot over there). Though I knew I likely would not ever be able to get meth in the UK, I was beginning to see I had a problem, and decided England was where I should live.
    My friend was able to sponsor me so I could work, and he still didn't know of my habit in the states. Meth was pretty much unheard of in England, so I don't think he was even suspicious when I slept for 3 days upon arrival. I felt like shit, but was so excited about being in England it wasn't too hard to get through that first couple of weeks, same as I had when I had visited.

    I lived and worked in England for about 5 years before I decided to come back to the states. In England, I had smoked crack for the first time, and smoked heroin also for the first time. I chose to put blinders on when I wondered if I'd really kicked anything at all. I didn't like crack or heroin, but used them occasionally in England since there was nothing else. Obviously, I still had a substance abuse problem, but I chose not to see it then.
    I thought I was meth free. I had quit. I was recovered from meth addiction.

    It took me about a day after my plane landed to hook up. I didn't even think about how long I'd been clean. Didn't question myself at all about calling my (now ex-cook) friend to get me something. I thought I'd just use it sometimes, after all, I survived without it in England, right? I moved in with a lifelong friend (non-user)and started looking for work. I didn't use meth daily, I was using when I felt I needed to be super alert and on task. This lasted about 3 months, until I found a job. I was so worried that I'd not get up on time, not be able to focus and be productive, that naturally my solution again, was meth. I was making enough money to have a supply as needed, which more frequently was becoming every day. Then, my roommate moved out. She was going back to the small town where we'd grown up, and there was no way I could afford where we were living by myself.

    I was still pretty much not communicating with my mom, other than occasional civil phone calls. I just could not get over some of the things that happened, and that she allowed, when I was little. Whenever I'd start to think about finding a way to repair the relationship, repair ME, I'd turn to meth, so I didn't have to think or feel. Then, once again, I was laid off. Now I've got to find a place to live and another job. The prospect frightens the shit out of me, so I smoke more meth to quiet my feelings. I also begin to see that my years of use have left me with very few non-using friends. I've isolated myself as much as possible, I don't want anyone to know my dirty little secret. I don't want to socialize, I just want to smoke. And find a place to live. And another job. Oh hell, I'll go see my dealer. That was my typical thought process at that time, which was about 4 or 5 years ago. Good thing I had unemployment, or I likely would have been homeless and still looking to score.
    More on the quitting process....next time.


  1. msjaguarxj6
    This is your where your solution lies my dear:

    "I was still pretty much not communicating with my mom, other than occasional civil phone calls. I just could not get over some of the things that happened, and that she allowed, when I was little. Whenever I'd start to think about finding a way to repair the relationship, repair ME, I'd turn to meth, so I didn't have to think or feel."

    Unless you can heal yourself and the relationship with your mother, because of whatever it is that happened while you were growing up, you will not be able to quit. You've turned to meth as a coping mechanism. You need to get to the bottom of your addiction and realize that something is causing to keep using even though you know it's ruining your life.

    I'm not trying to call the kettle black here either, because I'm addicted to alcohol. While I don't have an underlying reason for my addiction, there is a reason for it. Meth (as well as alcohol) can ruin your life.. Not just your financial situation, but your health, looks, teeth, etc. It sounds like it's already ruined your social life, and you don't have a supportive family to help you through anything. So you keep falling into bad habits with meth because you can rely on it. It's always there for you. If you could talk to someone, whether professionally or even maybe with your mother. Maybe if you can resolve those issues you will be able to change. If you lose all of your friends, have no family support system, and have only the drug to help you cope you are going to end up in very bad shape. If you could just try to mend old friendships and relationships with non using people you might be able to get your life back on track. xo Wish you the best of luck!
  2. sassyspy
    Yes you are so right. I think any of my substance use has been a method to either cope with or avoid entirely these issues that I harbor so much resentment for. I cant at this moment afford therapy, but will eventually.and I will get this straightened out, life is just too fleeting a moment, and I have wasted so much.
    Thank you again for your kind words:)
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