So I have been wondering this a bit lately, but when recovering from mental illness or addiction, how much is too much when it comes to getting back into the world?
My mental health has been improving steadily for the last several months, and I often now find myself with plenty of energy and a desire to interact with people more than I have for the last few years. The other side of the coin however is that I am terrified that the more I do participate in the world at large, the greater the risk of experiencing a set back. Maybe it is the nature of bi-polar which drives my fear of strong emotions being triggered, or maybe it is anxiety from being shut off for such a long time.
The thing is, I don't really know how to find the answer. How long can you pull on a rubber band before it breaks? You just don't know until it does break. Softly softly feels like the right approach, but my rational mind tells me this might just be a case of delaying the inevitable. Eventually I will get to the point where I have a setback regardless of how fast I run towards it, perhaps the slower approach will leave me more prepared for it when it happens though.
It does feel at times like a runaway train at times though. The more I do, the more I want to do, and that's a cycle that keeps repeating itself. I have a schedule of activities which I had thought at one stage would motivate me to participate more, but now I feel as though the schedule actually slows me down and not necessarily in a bad way. I think I will stick with the schedule for the time being, I guess I just long for a day when I don't need a schedule to feel safe in my own head.
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