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  1. aemetha
    So I have been wondering this a bit lately, but when recovering from mental illness or addiction, how much is too much when it comes to getting back into the world?

    My mental health has been improving steadily for the last several months, and I often now find myself with plenty of energy and a desire to interact with people more than I have for the last few years. The other side of the coin however is that I am terrified that the more I do participate in the world at large, the greater the risk of experiencing a set back. Maybe it is the nature of bi-polar which drives my fear of strong emotions being triggered, or maybe it is anxiety from being shut off for such a long time.

    The thing is, I don't really know how to find the answer. How long can you pull on a rubber band before it breaks? You just don't know until it does break. Softly softly feels like the right approach, but my rational mind tells me this might just be a case of delaying the inevitable. Eventually I will get to the point where I have a setback regardless of how fast I run towards it, perhaps the slower approach will leave me more prepared for it when it happens though.

    It does feel at times like a runaway train at times though. The more I do, the more I want to do, and that's a cycle that keeps repeating itself. I have a schedule of activities which I had thought at one stage would motivate me to participate more, but now I feel as though the schedule actually slows me down and not necessarily in a bad way. I think I will stick with the schedule for the time being, I guess I just long for a day when I don't need a schedule to feel safe in my own head.

Comments

  1. detoxin momma
    i feel you on the runaway train aspect. im just getting used to my bipolar medication. sometimes my mind gets to moving so fast i literally invision a train in my mind running full speed ahead. the thoughts can get so outta control that i then see an old school locomotive haulting to a stop,then the wheels start backtracking,in slow motion, steam and all.
    as i think to myself, ok, stop,slow down,you are waaaay too far ahead of yourself,breathe....then the train is standing still and i can inhale fully....ahhh.

    sounds bat shit crazy, but its true.....i think i can i think i can i think i can....the lil engine that could...:vibes:
  2. Mr Bumble
    Arg I feel you brother. My mental health has been all over the shop for so long. It's funny but the time I felt the most stable and happy in my own head was in prison. Everyday was strict routine.
    I became the type of man I always wanted to be in there. After leaving I actually missed it but gave myself routine and for a few years I felt normal.
    But I wasn't capable of sustaining it. My mental health has been hell for years and I'm still trying to get it straight.
    But fear is a big problem for me, I don't fear things like fighting or putting myself in dangerous situation but sometimes making a simple phone call or the fear of leaving the house and bumping into someone I know and having to talk to them fills me with a crippling dread.
    Also the fear of failure has caused me to sabotage myself as it seems easier to do that then fail through trying.

    I got a tattoo of a quote from The book Dune on my arm to try and remind me not to let fear hold me back. I really should read it more often!

    I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
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