So following on from my last post, this is about 2010 and I am getting into taking pain killers regularly. They all have slightly different highs, I have a lot of dihydrocodeine as this is easily sourced in the UK but by now I am also getting hold of lots of vicodin, percocet and they combine well with the valium I've been addicted to and been taking for sleep purposes as I suffer bad insomnia, for some time. The DHC is like my bread and butter opiate by now, I am taking DHC on a weekly basis, usually at least 360mg but often more, it's cheap and it makes me feel good and it's become my place of sanctity, in such a brutal world that is so confusing and a struggle for someone with low mood like me. I feel entitled to get some escapism and since all the other many drugs I took started to mess with my head and no longer worked the way they once did, this was now my drug of choice.
Me and 'E' the girl I spoke about in my last post had now finally got it together after months of "will we won't we" flirting and worrying about ruining our friendship we finally succumbed to lust and were now falling in love pretty rapidly. The opiates were like our special little thing that our other friends didn't get and we would stay in all weekend eating and taking these pills and then having sex trying to work off all the food! It was blissful and I never wanted it to end. But me being me, I couldn't be satisfied with this and I began to take pills after work during the week to go with my joints and take the edge off a little. They weren't expensive and for the feeling that I got from spending £5 on pills they were worth it anyway, economically much better than weed even! Alarm bells should have been ringing at this point, a few things happened, I over did the pills the night before once and spewed up at work which didn't look great to my boss, I began to wake up on the floor after passing out and not remembering how the fuck it happened. Just various things that I laughed off but really weren't normal behaviour.
The thing with opiates is that every time you take them, it becomes a little bit harder to never take them again, like a spectrum where your use goes up alongside your desire to use, but it's so subtle at first you don't notice it. You start to come up with all these excuses in your mind, the more intelligent you are, the better you will be at convincing yourself using these strange rationalisations that it's OK to do more opiates. You know you're becoming addicted but you don't truly believe you are and you don't really care because you just want the opiates so you don't battle too hard. Your brain is now growing opiate receptors because it wants more opiates and you've put so many in that it is starting to change your brain chemistry, this is the point where it is almost too late and you're becoming addicted.
I am not the biggest Russell Brand fan but he talks sense on some issues and how he described heroin was quite poignant to me. He believes that heroin simply removes the deeper human need that everyone of us has inside us, it just fills up our brains with dopamine and makes us forget any sense of pain or longing, any unfulfilled deep emotional stresses are flattened out by the opiate bliss and so for a short while it is as though "everything is perfect" and that's what everyone would want to feel all the time.
The difference is once you've used heroin or opiates and you know it is possible to feel that way, the cat is well and truly out of the bag and you realise it's MUCH easier to seek solace in drugs that make you feel amazing than it is to try and find natural highs in the form of life. But the difference is that a natural high is something real and tangible and it means something, a heroin high just means you have given up on having natural highs, which in itself is very sad and reveals that a lot of users are just depressed. I am certainly depressed and I have on paper a fantastic life. A good job, a nice car, nice apartment, nice fiance, nice family (although I have a bad relationship with my father) and I still just feel nothing but misery and deep sadness all the time, it is like I am plagued with it.
Opiates for me just made me feel normal I guess, not even incredibly high and gauging out just made me feel as though I wasn't in a constant state of despair and misery, I used them to self medicate for my depression and they were incredibly effective for that. I hadn't even got on to Heroin yet or even the stronger pain killers but week by week I was taking more pills and it was creeping up on me to the point that I could hardly deny even to myself that I was enjoying them a little too much, although I didn't think I was addicted I just thought I really really liked Vicodins!