After reading from my first blog entry, I can see myself as a 'work in progress'. Time has a way of offering experiences that can change one's outlooks and opinions, if one is receptive to that.
I have come from denying I have an addiction at all, to admitting addiction, thinking about quitting, 'trying quitting on' for a few days, accepting the addiction, til now, when I realize I haven't accepted the addiction, or even the use, at all.
I'd LIKE to.... I mean, why can't I just accept this is something that works for me?
I wonder if it were as acceptable for me to hit on the pookie as it is to have a beer, would I feel so conflicted? Somehow, I think the main reason I can't accept my meth use or addiction, is other people's opinion of me.
Why am I like that? Even if others have a negative opinion of meth or users of, can't I accept myself, anyway?
I don't judge others, why can't I assume others do not judge me?
I don't know. I am having a rather confused day, emotionally, and these questions are repeating themselves to me.
I think maybe, I am also looking for acceptance? Maybe trying to receive validation of my use being ok?
That is probably a pipe dream (no pun intended :laugh but its one of the theories for my guilty/bad feelings milling in my head.
Oh heck with it. I'm better off at this moment to get my head in a better place before I go to work.
((((hugs)))) readers. I needed one.