Hell what a fricking life we all lead huh? I have been spinning out of control and finaly have landed safely.
My core problem has been resolved. This is a fact. I have got to learn to deal with myself and this newest form of my phsyco sekf but thats all okay. I can do it.
I have P T S D, Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. It is said to wreck lives of people who have this dormate condition until between 45 and 55, and then hell breaks loose on the sufferer. Well that's me. My wierd ways make sense now. I like that. It definately is a shock. The last thing I ever wanted to do in my life was to rehash old wounds and troubles that have no apparent affect on my life today. But I guess I may be having to do so.
I would do things like this; Mr R B (Search). I spend time hunting online for a man who phsically assulted me in more then one way when I was a child. I do this now, still hunt for him. I guess I am not really OVER IT, am I. That happened some 30 some years ago. But to ask me, ah no, no problems in that area at all. Yeah right! Wake up dumn ass.
I can't say on this site the plots and plans for which I make now and always have made in my "plans of revenge". I find healing in this revenge seeking. I hate being made to look a fool. I am one very pissed little woman. Revenge is Gods but it still feels good when I cave in and seek it out.
But but but, P T S D is the master word for my troubles. I already feel change deep within myself and this discoverey happened 3 or 4 days ago. I actually feel joy in my heart. I feel the love of my mate now. And mostly I have my HOPE back.
I do not think if not for my history with guns I would have survived this past year or two. I truly believe I would have done suicide.
Thank God I see the light now. 9-19-2011
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