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  1. LittleBabyNothing
    I have finnally reached the point where I am sick of myown drug abuse. I have basically no veins left, I do not get high anymore.It just gets worse. I am in a really dark place at the moment (That is the reason of my dissapearance from DF for a while) and my addiction has gone totally out of controll.

    I hate this intoxicated feeling my body has, like it would be full of something really sickening.Besides, my skin has strange reactions and I guess, I have to check my liver.

    I guess, I will take a break (At least- try), because I want to feel like a normal human being.Like to wake up and feel good, satisfied with life, not only having this feeling that everything ok only when I shoot up, not having this rithual in place of morning coffee.I want to learn feeling good without drugs (Don' t we all, haha).But, in the same time, I know that maybe even tomorrow I will (Well, I am actually 100%sure) start to carve them bad and they will be the only thing in my mind. Sad, but true.This love and hate relationship will never end. And I will never be the same person I was before all this drug thing happened in my life.I am sick of my DOC, but, in the same time, I would not mind staying permanently high for the rest of my life.This is not going to end up well.But, after all, life ends up with death anyway, so it is going to have a bad result in 100%of cases.

    UPD. And do you know what is the saddest part of it? Not long after writing this I did it again. Somewhere deep inside I knew this is going to happen.
    I guess, it was Nikki Sixx who said that you are an addict when you can not use drugs anymore.
    Ironically right.

Comments

  1. Mandizzle
    I believe with enough determination, strength and faith in yourself; you'll get out of deaths grip. You just gotta at least try..
    1. LittleBabyNothing
      Obviously, I am not ready jet, as this entry was posted some time ago and I just keep trying to quit and allways returning to needles. But thanx for good words.:)
    2. Mandizzle
      You'll get there luvvy... you just got really want to, and do the things you need to in order to make sure you stop for good... I'm here if you need moral support, I have my faith in you
    3. LittleBabyNothing
      Yes, some day, I know.In my fifties, I guess.At the moment I have relapsed hard and have no illusion about the whole situation.In this aspect I know myself too good to have any faith in myself, haha :)
  2. TumajNuri
    You claim you want to learn how to live happy without drugs... Always remember, one passion needs to be replaced with another one, if u have reached the point of your life where u feel like it is no longer easy/possible to handle a drug addiction, then try to replace your drug abuse with another entertainment. U don't often find me high, because i believe there's a thin line between "use" and "abuse", my tolerance to any substance I abuse is very low and that's why u don't find me high all the time, cuz I know how to escape from boredom when I am sober.
  3. Tonya koehne
    If you are having troubles with the withdrawals then maybe try kratom..ive been on it for a few months and the red strain has worked wonderful for me..I dont get high off it I am just able to maintain. I would also like to point out that if your sick of your own addiction the option of taking a break "for a while" isn't an option..its either u stop for good or dont..we addicts cannot control our use..its either death jail or sobriety for us.. No other way is possible..can't socially use, in time it will be back to daily use..
  4. J5228
    Is it just me, or is recognizing your own struggle someone else's, kinda feel like running into a long lost, beloved friend? Thank you for posting. I'm tired.
    I hope this site is what I'm missing. 7yr 12 stepper, now finding bigots are alive and well. I want so bad to connect, but those who "get it" in the rooms often miss the insight, of "I do but I don't" use. If that make sense. Thanks again.
    1. LittleBabyNothing
      I think, you will find a lot of good stuff in this site. I have been thinking about going to some of 12 steps meetings in my country, but I am in a quite stupid position at the moment for that (Not going into details).:)
      I am still suprised that people find this article (At that time this was personal blog section) and comments on it.Since that time I have managed to be in a lot of worse places than that I could not even imagine existed (Like lost everything in few seconds etc) and I am still using. Witch leaves quite sad options for future, I guess...
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