I wake up, bleary eyed and dis-orientated, frustration bubbles through my veins as sleep has evaded me for what seems like the whole night. My legs feel like two logs after an eternity of unsolicited movement, twitching and kicking repeatedly and I smell like a chemical soaked rag. Anger erupts into a flurry of violence as I try to beat my addiction into submission, after punching myself on the temple, I'm seeing stars.
Eyes closed the water pounds away at my body; my mind meanwhile is frantically searching for peace. A peace that will only come with total exhaustion, and so not really peace but more like unconsciousness. I know searching is useless but I have little control of that part of me, instead I attempt to wash the stench from me - soap, rinse, soap, rinse, soap, rinse. I notice that I have goosebumps all over me still, the heat of the water has no effect on that symptom.
I lie back on the bed, my body, for the moment, feels rather numb. The heat helping to ease the cramps, but my mind still is a tightly wound spring. I start to drift into blackness, noticing as I do so the soap hasn't helped - I still smell like roadkill. All I want is to sleep - to simply not be, anymore.
Twice in my life I've had to stop using methadone without the luxury of reducing slowly. Compared to a heroin detox it isn't as violent but for me it was far, far longer lasting. Something else I noticed too was that even if I had a hit of smack I still didn't feel 100%, they may both be opiates but they affect me slightly differently. Only methadone would get rid of all the withdrawal symptoms. This told me that I wasn't a heroin addict, I wasn't even an opiate addict but rather a methadone addict. Other opiates might help a bit but not even dia-morphine would sort the withdrawals out completely - only methadone would do that now.
But far better than methadone for sorting out withdrawals, is time (and time, goes by, so slowly, and time, can do so much) but enough of the Righteous Bros! I wanted to write about this subject today as I believe it's important to remind ourselves of our past, the good, the bad and the ugly.