I feel like im losing myself in my addictions, heres my plan to get myself back...

By Tryptomaniac · Jan 21, 2016 · ·
  1. Tryptomaniac
    Everyday i wake up in the morning i take something the second i wake up weather its kratom or a couple klonopin for a hangover, or if its a random "nootropic" or "drug" that i ordered offline and fell in love with like tianeptine.

    A little bit ago on a "whats your thought thread" i lied and wrote i was a freshman in colledge because i was extremely embarrased of who i am Nd i dodnt want you guys to think im just some idiot ): yeah.... I failed my sophmore year in highschool and got held back a whole year.. So my mom said "im homeschooling you, so i know that you are trying because i know you have it in you". Well a couple years later and me not working hard enough, here i am..

    19 years old, a senior in highschool, homeschooled and i have 2 classes left, I am absolutely horrible at math so ofcoarse i finished all the other classes and im left with algebra 2, and Geometry. I was diagnosed with inattentive ADD a little over a year ago. I was put on concerta and switched medications because they never worked i had ritalin and straterra and b vitamins and therapy, i was told to take melatonin and night because they thought i dodnt sleep well enough, therefore i couldnt focus,and then finally... Adderall.

    I asked if i could have instant release adderall instead of XR because i have sleeping problems already, so the earlier it wears off the better so i could sleep at night, this medication helped me focus on school and was a miracle for me, BUT the side effects hurt me so much i would get panick attacks everytime i took it and i would shake and muscles would cramp and all sorts of shit, so i did research on my own and i told her i want dexedrine spansules 15 mg to start, she is very understanding and gave me this and honest to god, the first few times on it i had pure focus and i was finally able to get some math done. Now 3 weeks later after the prescription i finished 9/10 algebra tests.
    (Oh around the same time i was diagnosed and treated for add i was diagnosed and treated for severe social anxiety and i get 30 x 0.5 mg klonopins a month.)

    The only problem is i have an addoctive personality, so was i only just going to take 1 dexedrine or just 1 klonopin? Absolutely not, i needed to see the highs they produced, i snorted/plugged/swallowed them in different doses. Now me being a downer person i fell in love with the klonopins, and everytime i would get a new script they would be gone within the first week. The amphetamines that i have had over time, i test them out to see if i can get a good high but the comedowns make me feel almost suicidal, therefore i didnt like to use them often.

    With these new Dexedrine pills i noticed less side effecs,so felt i could take more, and today i took my highest dose 60 mg, and the only reason i am semi okay right now is because i used benzos/tianeptine/phenibut/l theanine all together to help me come down.

    And this ^^^^^ what happened earlier today, is the reason i am deciding tonight that i need to make a change... I need to make more mature decisions, and i need to start eating a little better and exercising everyday, im 19 years old and i am weak because of drugs, i withdrawl when i dont use them, my muscles are weak from all the downers i take and just lay around doing nothing but eating and sleeping. After years of drug use i now find it harder to think, it has even become harder for me to breathe, and i think i permanently thined good friendships and the lining of my stomache from alcohol, they will never talk to me again... And everytime i drink heavily now i throw up because my stomach burns.

    Other than drugs my lifestyle is shit to, i eat out 4-7 times a week at fast food places like mcdonalds, All i do is sit at home on the couch and watch tv and go on drugs forum on my phone. The only thing i still enjoy doing without drugs is snowboarding and rock climbing, though i dont do these things often so i dont benefit from the physical activity they give me. There is ONE person i feel comfortable around while im 100% stone cold sober and that is my girlfriend.

    My girlfriend is another big reason i want to slow down alot and stop my usage and get healthy, she is in very good physical shape, she doesnt do any drugs and doesnt even drink, the problem is... She thinks im jut like her and that i dont do drugs and only drink occasionally. When we first met i told her the truth and she seemed uninterested, so i went on my first break from drugs and told her i will give up all of this for you because nobody makes me happier than you do. And then what do you know it a week later i have her as my own and im back to using.. This puts tons of guilt on my shoulders and havig to hide it from my family and friends is rough too.

    One last thing that drugs and alcohol take from me alot is my money i spend atleast 70% of each check on drugs, i dont wven know what i would do with the money i save if i can go through with this.

    Anyways i know this is going to be a long process and i want to make it as painless as possible.so here is my plan...

    For the first 2 weeks i plan to do 2 things, first thing im changing this month is my physical activity, i just started p90x3 workouts this morning they are very intense 30 minute workouts every mornig for 90 days, ontop of this i plan on rock climbing 2 times a week and snowboarding every friday night. So thats what i have planned to up my phsysical activity. The second thing i plan to start in these 2 weeks is to completely eliminate daytime use of drugs with the acception of 30 mg dexedrine spansules, but with the dexedrine i am planning to keep my usage at no more than 2 times a week and a maximim dose of 30 mg.

    Things that will be remaining the same these first 2 weeks are 1. Using tianeptine/kratom or any downer in high doses at night to sleep. Ive been doing this forever and will deffinetly be the hardest thing to quit, everytime i have taken drug vacations i cant sleep untill the third day off of the stuff and i cant sleep well untill i havnt used for a week. The second thing that will remain the same is using benzodiazepines if i have any panic attacks or if i am going to a family party or some place that i know i will be anxious, i will be taking klonopin or lorazepam and possibly etizolam in these situations and the last thing that isnt changing and NEVER will is i will be partaking in trying new substances when they are around me and occasionally i will use hallucinogens if i get the chance.

    This is how im going to start and then after weeks one and 2 we will see how im feeling and what other changes i can make.

    My main goal is to eventually beable to get on a pretty normal sleep schedule and be able to fall asleep without the use of ANY drugs or alcohol. If i need to start by using a prescription medication to sleep so be it but i will follow the dosage and will not go higher than the dose prescribed and eventually would like to find another alternative to sleeping that is not drug induced, i also want to not be on any drugs at all and beable to use recreationally 1 time a week with zero dependance.

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  1. cbabycee
    Wow, well done for the honesty in this blog! and trying to get a plan together. Can your mom hold your medication for you so you wont find it as easy to abuse? You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you! You have so much to live for without drugs, and plenty to keep you busy. you say you are weak, but doing 3 x 30 minute workouts every morning is not that of someone who is weak in body or mind, so I applaud your strength!

    Good luck, noone is here to judge you, just be here and support you!
  2. Tryptomaniac
    Its actually only 1 30 minute workout per morning and i gave up after 2 days ): but thank you for your kind words and luck! I am trying my hardest to stay strong i have a much better tapering schedule in place right now so were all good im going to post my tapering schedule on my blog.
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