I Guess I'm Not Ready

By sassyspy · Sep 21, 2011 · ·
  1. sassyspy
    Needing to feel completion by making a decision, I've decided I am not yet ready to quit meth. I like the way I feel, the way I can work, and fully function daily.
    I don't like the times I accidentally smoke enough to keep me up all night, but that seems to be so dependent on supply quality, its hard to pre-measure.
    I guess there's a part of me that feels guilty about this decision, I'm not sure why. Part of me is GLAD I decided something, at least. I've grown so tired of the constant battle inside me to quit, or not, and be done with thinking about it.
    It seems I've said these words before, so maybe I sound redundant. Actually, even when saying I will quit when I get 'this and this in place', is still true, it just doesn't look to be any time soon. I have been so frustrated with the inability to find affordable therapy, or even a definitive diagnosis, I just have to wait till I can do.
    I have reached a point now that I consider my pookie in the morning to be just like my other daily meds, chemicals that help me function as a productive working member of society.

    So perhaps my blogging can become a pleasure for me again, as I love to write. Blogging about my constant failure to quit has only brought me down. I'd rather not feel any more self-loathing than I already do, even if some of those feelings come from what I feel others expect of me.

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  1. Racoonster
    This is partly the fault of the war on drugs. Instead of being taught that moderation in all things is the rule, we are taught to "just say no".

    Then at the same time we are told that some meds are good for us to take always and everyday. As you say "..my other daily meds " I believe that the human body is not meant to receive a constant daily supply of ANY chemical substance that is not a carbohydrate, fat, sugar, protein, vitamin, mineral, or water.

    The daily meds, like Prozac, Effexor, etc are control meds. It is easier to just put you on these, then to spend the time with you to find the real problem and address that.

    And putting children on Ritalin, for years, and then expecting them to grow up and be drug free ? Come on, you have to be kidding me!

    The only way that is possible is by imprisoning him or putting him on some other control drug, and then not calling that substance a "drug".

    The hypocrisy of that cry "what about the children?" makes me want to turn my testicles back in for a refund! Stick with your mate, one of you quit your job, raise your kid right, and teach him the proper way to have sex, use drugs or alcohol, eat and live in general without getting fat, stupid, pregnant, lazy, addicted, etc... And realize kids learn by example as well, get off the damn phone and pay attention to the world around you if you expect your kids to.

    Okay, wildly off topic...

    As far as the Meth, if you are smoking it, it is a problem. When you smoke or inject your stimulant, you are doing it for the rush, not the stimulation part. That is why Cocaine was around for hundred fifty years or more, amphetamines were sold over the counter since their invention until the Nixon adminstration, and statistically few people had "problems" with them. They were using them in lower dosage, for the "intended" effect and not the rush. Amphetamine usage beyond 5-30mg twice a day max would have been considered HEAVY usage, my mind boggles at gram usage in less than a few weeks, that would have been a bottle of 200 Desoxyn, or the real White Crosses....
  2. sassyspy
    Thank you for your comment, Racoonster.
    It has given me more to think about, for sure. As I've not ever been a heavy user of Rx amphetamines, I have no way to make comparisons.
    But I do wonder at your comment 'using for the rush', because I smoke it.
    I started smoking it because I was concerned nose damage/problems would give away my 'secret' and cause me probs at work, so I needed an alternate way to ingest. Eating it in any form tended to make me nauseated, so I started smoking it.
    I have since learned that tends to make it 'more addicting' or something?
    Again, thanks for stopping by!:)
  3. Racoonster
    There is no difference between Rx Amphetamines and street, they are the same drug, only the prescription variety has been more carefully prepared, and less adulterated. And the dosage reported is the actual weight of the drug itself, and not the weight of the binders and so on that are added to make it easier to swallow and handle.

    Smoking the drug pushes the amount of drug in your system from zero to full almost before you let the burning vapors out of your lungs, because they have direct access to the bloodstream there, same as the oxygen in the air does. After time, this damages the tissue, and the lungs are less able to exchange the good for the bad. Ever see anyone carrying an oxygen bottle to breath? They have to because they have somehow damaged their lung tissue. Way more damaging then cigarette smoke, btw.

    I would think this bottle would be more obvious then a runny nose myself, but I am older and more damaged, and tend to notice things like that.

    As far as dosages go:

    Those persons that know how to make their own amphetamines would know what percentage of their product is the drug in question, more or less, if they were careful. Usually about 96-98% after evaporation of the carrier solvent, even a professional lab doesn't knock it out of the park.

    So a little line that weighs about 32mg, (32x96%=30mg) would be about the same as taking 10 Pervitin tablets, the methamphetamine the Wermacht (WWII-German War Machin)e issued to it's troops (and Hitler took every morning w/ breakfast)

    Or the same as Six of the white cross tablets that Truckers used to take for a 12 hour haul, or the USAF provides it's Pilots that fly long cross ocean missions.

    [If we were being open and honest about drug use...]

    [Of course, this is just what my Great Grandmom tells me, personally I am as misinformed about drugs as the average american, so don't yell at me....]
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