Needing to feel completion by making a decision, I've decided I am not yet ready to quit meth. I like the way I feel, the way I can work, and fully function daily.
I don't like the times I accidentally smoke enough to keep me up all night, but that seems to be so dependent on supply quality, its hard to pre-measure.
I guess there's a part of me that feels guilty about this decision, I'm not sure why. Part of me is GLAD I decided something, at least. I've grown so tired of the constant battle inside me to quit, or not, and be done with thinking about it.
It seems I've said these words before, so maybe I sound redundant. Actually, even when saying I will quit when I get 'this and this in place', is still true, it just doesn't look to be any time soon. I have been so frustrated with the inability to find affordable therapy, or even a definitive diagnosis, I just have to wait till I can do.
I have reached a point now that I consider my pookie in the morning to be just like my other daily meds, chemicals that help me function as a productive working member of society.
So perhaps my blogging can become a pleasure for me again, as I love to write. Blogging about my constant failure to quit has only brought me down. I'd rather not feel any more self-loathing than I already do, even if some of those feelings come from what I feel others expect of me.
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I Guess I'm Not Ready