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  1. berry13
    This is my first blog post, so bear with me. I plan on using this quite often because it's a good way to get my thoughts out if they don't fit elsewhere.

    My shrink is the best I could ever ask for. Didn't find her through insurance but as a recommendation from my GP (who, at the time of the rec, knew I was going to rehab.) so I figured I'd see this shrink and from the get-go any kind of narcotic or scheduled medication was not going to be an option. Oh well, I'll find a new one. WWWWWRONG!

    We started our sessions when I was 17, so I didn't really have the ability to find a new shrink and my parents wouldn't buy the "she's not giving me what I need" routine anyhow. They had just found out about their son's heroin addiction and having just been home from rehab for a few weeks, things were awkward to say the least. But there would be no run-around this time. They did not trust me, and it stayed that way for a while. For good reason I suppose. Between then and now I had relapsed for weeks at a time, maybe 5 or 6 times. But now, I'm on Subutex and have been clean for the past month or so. (Who's counting, right? No NA for me, so no reason to count.)

    I had been diagnosed ADHD as a child, but that's not what I was there for. It was Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, and Depression. First med was Zoloft. Couldn't get a stiffy so that went down the drain. As our relationship grew and she saw my intelligence and, quite frankly, charming (at least to her, I feel like a total fucking dork) persona, she became much looser with the script writing.

    My first benzo was Klonopin. She finally gave in after trying EVERYTHING under the sun for anxiety, from SSRI's to anti-psychotics to blood pressure medication to fibromyalgia pain meds. Soon I was on ativan with it.

    Then, I brought up my ADHD, for good reason. I lacked any motivation and concentration skills without dope. But in her mind, stimulants were never my problem! She knew my entire history of drug abuse and how it lead up to IV heroin, so SEDATIVES may be problematic for me. Which medication were you on as a child, she asked. Concerta. How did you like it? Well, I hated the time release factor because it would keep me awake and I'd never be hungry throughout the day. So what are you thinking, she asked. Well, I had tried an adderall pill before taking my ACT exam and nailed it, so I know that it works for me.

    "Adderall? Unsubscribed I assume?"
    Yes, absolutely.
    "Have you ever crushed and snorted it? Abused in any way other than taking it without a script?"
    No, not at all. That was the only time.
    "Short release, you said?"
    Yes, the concerta was no good.
    "How many mg's did you take before the test?"
    20.

    And just like that she writes me a script. 1 20mg ir per day. As she handed it to me she said "promise me you won't abuse these" and of course I obliged. I haven't, but I still find it funny she asked that of me, knowing I was an addict. As time went on it turned into 30mg 2x a day and that's where I'm at now.

    Okay, back to anxiety. Klonopin only at first. Then Klonopin + Ativan for panic attacks. Then, Valium replaced the Klonopin, and finally Temazepam replaced the Ativan. She would never give me Xanax, mostly because of the stigma I presume.

    So today, here's what I'm on:

    • Subutex 16mg/day
    • Cymbalta 120mg/day
    • Valium (Diazepam) 10mg, 2x/day
    • Restoril (Temazepam) 30mg, 2x/day
    • Adderall IR 30mg, 2x/day
    • And right now we are trying out Trazedone and Lunesta for sleep. This was after Ambien didn't work.
    So...1 of all 6 of my medications is non-abusable, by a clinical perspective. But after seeing I'm okay to handle them and slowly building trust, here we are just over a year later and I'm still not doing as well as I'd like, but no medication is going to fix that for me anymore. Her and I text, regarding how I am reacting to any new medication, and if I need her to call-in a refill for anything (except the adderall, she can't).

    Nowadays when I go in for a refill she gives me a 1-month prescription to bring to the pharmacy and a 3 month prescription to send to my insurance, who then in-turn mails me the entire 3mo supply (the pharmacy can't do that, 1 month only and in person) - and this has really made dealing with insurance and refills a lot easier on the both of us.

    I've been also seeing a therapist that she has recommend, right down the street from her, 2x a week for the same length of time I've been seeing her, and he's been wonderful.

    This was the first shot at finding a shrink. I believe all it takes is time to get the medication you desire/need. Some may be exceptions and end up being complete hard-asses with handing out scripts for abusable meds, ESPECIALLY with a history of substance abuse, but some see you for what you are right now and deal with that person, not the person you used to be. She has been with me through all my relapses and offers nothing but support. I am never firing her! :vibes:

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