This guy I know has been experimenting with substances for 25 or so years now, pretty much done most things, not everything, never IV'd but he has played with it all. He is a creative kinda guy and even makes a living in the world of CG Animation so Im told (I think he is pretty good at it too). But he, like anyone has his highs and lows and has even suffered with clinical depression though now hopefully has levelled off somewhat and even been clean of SSRIs for 2 years now.
Thing is this, experimentation used to releave some of boredom of life for this guy, though his life is packed with running a business, 3 kids, wife and a dog he still gets bored of it all and feels like something is missing.
He does envy those that feel complete and has pondered hard on if its love thats missing, his wife must suffer greatly for this which is very sad. He wonders when one finds thier soul mate thats when they become complete when they have found the last piece of the puzzle?
He thought he had found his soul mate back 23 years ago when he met this girl who seemed as crazy as him, they lived together for 10 years experiencing everything together, they were never apart.
They got married and had kids but somewhere along the line he feels they floated apart. He thinks they now dont seek the same things they did then, they have both grown up and become different people. Things started going awry when he felt thier sexual experimentation had come to a point where he wanted her to take the reigns a little, for her to open up and try some things SHE wanted to do rather than alway him pushing the directions. She didnt really do this and thats when he started not bothering with sex, which for a man is a very difficult thing to do. He stopped all experimentation with sex, he would occasionally have sex, after all, sometimes, needs must. They still enjoyed it but it never reached the heights he knew it could if she would only open herself up to him.
This guy then went through a dark period in his life where depression started to take hold, he was known to be depressive since he was about 12 but thoughts of suicide rarely entered his mind until now, the usual stuff of "nobody loves me" type of shit was there but this was worse, conspiricy theories tendencies to push his brain to the limits by overdoing drug consumption, he is surprised he didnt accidentally overdose. He wouldnt knowingly commit suicide for the kids of course but the darkness was there the thoughts were there. In this time he did some really strange things too, things totally out of line and out of character, ruined a couple of real good friendships and almost destroyed his marriage too. Luckily his wife loved him enough to hold onto him and in the end he decided to let the doctors take control, they filled him up with magical pills that did actually work for him.
But now here we are again back to today, a place where he experiments with pharmacuticals of all types though mainly opiate based, has a fairly regular cocaine consumption, not huge by any means but a little now and then. A place where he still feels like he cant find the last piece of the puzzle.
He told me he should be more productive at work or diversify is creativity, this doesnt ignite any passion though. To top it all today he saw his very pretty sister in-law which he has always had a soft spot for and DAMN was it hard for him to hold his feelings back, silly old man.
Anyways, he told me this over a pint one day and I thought there might be 1 person that might read it somewhere in the world that might have thought similar thoughts once.
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