"I think I'm doing too much"
This was said to me recently by a close friend of mine. But I'll give a bit of background first.
About a year ago, I became friends with a girl. Lovely girl, very attractive, maybe a touch naïve. Over time I found out her history. Absent Mother, real daddies girl as a result. Falls in love easily. Gets dumped a lot as she can't really pick winners. From a low income background. I'm sure some would call these her triggers. But ultimately happy go lucky generally. I would say she is not interested in me romantically. Just as a good friend. I'm probably one of the few guys she knows not trying to shag her and dump her!
Well she got fired from her job in the summer. So was sat at home bored trying to find work. And it was around this time her social group on Facebook changed. She went from hanging around with her best girl friends (singing their hearts out in facebook vids, giggling like idiots. ) and started hanging around in a group of wannabee gangsters. Noticeably as the only girl in the group at times! You know the type, walk down the road with all the attitude, swear at passing police cause they're tough, attention seeking, no aspirations, coke head GF's etc etc. Don't appear to actually work! Met some of them and hated all of them instantly. The "leader" of the group asked me 3 times my name (he forgot) and at one stage was trying to slag me off without realising it was me he was talking to. (Sizing me up as a threat to his manliness! Idiot! ) I remained calm and didn't rise to it. Tried to stay matey with him.
Pics on FB were of weed being smoked. And cheap tins of beer in parks. I saw it and it seemed under control. Just blowing off steam or frustration at being unemployed. Eventually she got a new job and I hoped shed stop seeing the group due to being occupied
She did not and over 6-8 weeks the coke started. What began as a line at the weekends progressed to multiple grams, several times a week and it was when I met her for lunch that she said the thread title to me.
Now I've never really been interested in drug culture, (she knows this) but I've seen enough over the years. (Friends control and/or quit and friends ruin themselves) So I knew going hardball was not required. So just casually suggested she back it off to weekend only for a while. She nodded, but we changed the subject. Which was fine. I didn't want to labour the point. I wasn't sure if it was a cry for help. Or showing off. She did complain she felt ill a lot recently, nose and throat hurting the morning after. (Others tell me that's cause what she's buying is cut full of crap)
This was all about 3 weeks ago. And I've recently had conversations with her where she obviously spending money where she shouldn't be. It's starting to cause her financial dramas. Money arguments with her father, problems with loans she has. So her "solution" is to try and throw money to a dealer she knows so she can make some profit. I have warned her this doesn't sound like a good plan and she needs to be very careful! But my cautions fell on deaf ears. (btw I'm not in a position to lend her money, and I don't think it would help!)
And this week, she's been so ill after going on a 3 night "messy one" that she's bailed meeting me for the third time in a month. Her better friends are obviously being ignored judging from comments on her Facebook page. She now only tags "drug friends" in any posts she makes, (seems a lot recently is her dealer, the one that doesn't like me) and lately phone is switched off in the evenings when she would be with that group. And it seems hit n miss if I get a reply to a message or call at any other times. I suspect the dealer is driving that, but who knows.
My friends say I should simply leave her to get on with it. Why would I want to save a girl that is the complete opposite of me. She'll only cause me grief in the long term. I can spend time with far better girls than this one. I work a decent career, have disposable income, healthy hobbies, own my own place. etc etc And with the logical head on, that's all true, but there's something that makes me not want to walk away. Though my friends are right, my mind has spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about all this.
I get that people on here will say she has to WANT to quit before she will. But I'm kinda worrying that I missed the shot. And I want to make amends, but at the same time if I bombard her with messages/contact that will only hinder things. I will add that I don't really know her good friends so not sure where they sit on her new hobby. (only 1 really, and we've never spoken about drugs, just that shes not answering calls/txts so much recently) But even the ones I don't know seem to have little or no contact with her. So I don't want to add to that list if I can avoid it. And whilst I've met her dad, I don't want to mention anything to him as it would break the trust we have at the moment. And I might need that in the future.
Anybody got some advice they want to pass on?
Dear Drugs-Forum readers: We are a small non-profit that runs one of the most read drug information & addiction help websites in the world. We serve over 4 million readers per month, and have costs like all popular websites: servers, hosting, licenses and software. To protect our independence we do not run ads. We take no government funds. We run on donations which average $25. If everyone reading this would donate $5 then this fund raiser would be done in an hour. If Drugs-Forum is useful to you, take one minute to keep it online another year by donating whatever you can today. Donations are currently not sufficient to pay our bills and keep the site up. Your help is most welcome. Thank you.