well, i have no point in this blog other than to vent and voice my disappointment in myself.
Its the first day of the new school year,its noontime,my baby sleeps,and i am bored.I've been anticipating this.
Its the first year since my oldest,13, was in 2nd grade that I haven't had a tramadol prescription to keep me feeling busy.
i quit taking tramadol,or any pain pills, on october 17th of last year.this is very easy for me to remember because it coincidentally was my deceased cats birthday.
The last few days I have been hanging with a friend and neighbor who takes tramadol for a bad back,her daughter is the same age as my oldest.
This morning,as we sat outside on the bench in my yard,drinking our coffee and smoking our cigarettes, i whined about the house being a mess,and feeling like i've fallen behind on my OCD tendencies, saying how nice it would be to pop a tramadol and clean my house all day.
I knew where this conversation would go,and for whatever reason, i just went with it.
My friend says,I tell ya what, how about i bring you some tramadol,and you smoke some weed with me?
I thought about it,already knowing i was walking right into a trap that i'd set for myself,and I said,sure why not.
so,we have just smoked a few bowls,and for the first time in 10 months and 26 days, i have just popped some tramadol, 1 50 mg tab, I feel nauseous.
She gave me 4.
i feel like a fuck up. i feel like a hopeless addict.i feel like i let boredom beat me.I feel like the last damn near 11 months are all in vain now.
My friend gets an insane amount of tramadol compared to what i used to get,120 for the month.
Her husband won't let her smoke weed at home.
This is a set up for disaster for me.I am a little worried.
It is what it is.I shoulda just said no.
I plan to tell my husband and I hope he gets mad at me!
I say that now,but i bet by the time the tram kicks in, i will feel like i better keep it to myself.