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  1. detoxin momma
    well, i have no point in this blog other than to vent and voice my disappointment in myself.

    Its the first day of the new school year,its noontime,my baby sleeps,and i am bored.I've been anticipating this.
    Its the first year since my oldest,13, was in 2nd grade that I haven't had a tramadol prescription to keep me feeling busy.

    i quit taking tramadol,or any pain pills, on october 17th of last year.this is very easy for me to remember because it coincidentally was my deceased cats birthday.

    The last few days I have been hanging with a friend and neighbor who takes tramadol for a bad back,her daughter is the same age as my oldest.

    This morning,as we sat outside on the bench in my yard,drinking our coffee and smoking our cigarettes, i whined about the house being a mess,and feeling like i've fallen behind on my OCD tendencies, saying how nice it would be to pop a tramadol and clean my house all day.

    I knew where this conversation would go,and for whatever reason, i just went with it.

    My friend says,I tell ya what, how about i bring you some tramadol,and you smoke some weed with me?
    I thought about it,already knowing i was walking right into a trap that i'd set for myself,and I said,sure why not.

    so,we have just smoked a few bowls,and for the first time in 10 months and 26 days, i have just popped some tramadol, 1 50 mg tab, I feel nauseous.
    She gave me 4.
    i feel like a fuck up. i feel like a hopeless addict.i feel like i let boredom beat me.I feel like the last damn near 11 months are all in vain now.

    My friend gets an insane amount of tramadol compared to what i used to get,120 for the month.
    Her husband won't let her smoke weed at home.
    This is a set up for disaster for me.I am a little worried.

    It is what it is.I shoulda just said no.
    I plan to tell my husband and I hope he gets mad at me!
    I say that now,but i bet by the time the tram kicks in, i will feel like i better keep it to myself.

    Author Bio

    detoxin momma
    Just trying to make it threw life one day at a time.....

Comments

  1. detoxin momma
    well i didnt enjoy those tramadols at all. I will stick with the weed.
    Just because i had them, i took them all, 4 days in a row.

    I got nauseous everytime, the feeling i had under my skin was like it was crawling with bugs! i had that feeling like my air kept tickling my face,but it wasn't.

    I told my husband, he wasn't surprised. This "friend" of mine has been danglinn those damn tramadol in my face since I quit.he said he knew i'd take some eventually.

    next time, I will say, "lets just smoke some weed,keep your pills"

    So not worth it, I would've loved to say i had a year with no pills come october.
    Live and Learn.
  2. prescriptionperil
    We tend to romantize how a drug made us feel, then when we pick up we often get disappointing results. Think of all the days you went without Tramadol, rather than this lapse. :vibes:
  3. detoxin momma
    Thanks PP, you are absolutely right, I'm looking at the silver lining to.:vibes:
    I think taking those damn things and not enjoying them one bit will help any future cravings that may arise.

    in the 5 years of taking tramadol i realized each manufacturer effected me slightly differently, I must've gotten the worst possible ones, and I'm glad.
  4. mmmbreakfast
    I know exactly how you feel when it comes to "I know where this is going to lead" part of the conversation. The first time I relapsed after my first time in rehab I kept talking about how weekends were so boring without alcohol knowing I was only perpetuating my desire to drink, but I did it anyway. Low and behold once Friday rolled around I had purchased a pint of whiskey and kissed 2 months of sobriety good-bye. I regretted the ever loving shit out of it. These days I don't let myself fall into these patterns of thinking and I have almost 6 months sober. If you ever think you're exacerbating your desire to use by following a certain line of dialogue just know that you're most likely participating in mental gymnastics that will eventually make it seem ok for you to use when you know it' anything but ok. Regardless one little slip-up is no big deal as long as you acknowledge it was a bad idea and commit not to do anymore. Hope you're doing alright now.
  5. Emilita
    Detoxin momma l think you're definitely being too hard on yourself, to make 11 months clean is such an amazing feat!! You should be proud of your achievement and look at this slip up just as a learning curb and it will only make you stronger and more dedicated to being clean.

    I can't help but agree with what PP has said and hope that you start to see that one mistake isn't the end of your sobriety it's just a little slip and don't forget all the hard work you've put in :vibes:
  6. beentheredonethatagain
    See you are not a fuck up,
  7. detoxin momma
    Thanks for the support to all you guys, means alot. i get no support at home.
    when you are the mom everyone just expects you to be happy no matter what. Noone in my family seems to understand addiction, and they are all daily pot smokers.

    daily pot smokers that would say weed isn't addictive at that. I would love to see them go a few days without that weed, would never happen, but nah, they arent addicts to:mad:
  8. Once.up.on.a.time
    Ah my favourite momma I agree with PP and Emi you are a strong and brave and amazing woman. Who has a new reminder of what you don't want. And allll the clean time you still did. 4 little pills is nothing

    Much love my friend xxxx
  9. detoxin momma
    Thank you once upon a time.people don't know the half of the trouble and misery this drug has brought me and my family.
    Its created quite a bit of debt, i may even file bankruptcy over it, have no choice really.

    I applied for disabilty at the advice of my lawyer to help pay the bills, and for the medications that i couldn't afford, but I was denied. I can appeal it with a lawyer, but i don't want to be labeled disabled anyways, because I'm not. but this is what people do.....
    Im getting bills in the mail damn near everyday, and my phone never stops ringing anymore.if its not a bill collector its a law firm.
    Thats a main reason i can't believe i took those pills again, nothin but trouble.:thumbsdown:
  10. Beenthere2Hippie
    (I am so sorry I missed this completely, with my computer down a few days this past week! But no excuse, you being My Buddy : ()

    Momma, it happens. It just does. It's all part of that process of getting bad life patterns behind us, even close to a year out from when you last told your past use good-bye. I know how much you wanted to make that one-year anniversary, and how disappointed it's made you, your not doing so. But, hey. You learned something you obviously needed to re-learn again: tramadol is not in your long-term best interest.

    But I know you still punish yourself. LOL Not because you're hard on yourself, really; but because (like me) you're a perfectionist with your own heart, self and values.

    I so get it.

    But it's done and like all good lessons you learned from this one: other than weed, substances have serious drawbacks. Consider yourself refreshed on the subject, and likely won't be romanticizing about it anytime soon again, as PPeril had nicely put it.

    I give you so much more credit for being so honest with yourself and others. Doing so successfully is key is finding and getting what makes you happy in life.

    You know there will likely be times in the future when you may be prescribed opiate or opioids for acute pain, but will be fine then, too. Because after your pain of whatever ill befalls you fades, you'll go back again to living without drugs to get by day to day. That's who you are. You're strong and love life on its own level.

    And so you move on and fully forgive yourself. Laugh at yourself. You're a terrific women and DF-er who displays amazing sense of purpose, self-conviction, honesty and courage.

    Bravo.

    Nothing but good there, sweetheart. :vibes:
  11. detoxin momma
    you are awesome B, theres nothing you can't relate to, non judgementally, and I love that about you. I'd be lost without your support,all of you, I mean it.

    at home i may as well be talking to a brick wall. Everywhere I turn. I could be speaking in another language and noone would care.
  12. Beenthere2Hippie
    No. They care--a lot. That I know. They just are not in a position to understand, for many reasons. Try not to hold it against them. They really know no better. It's absolutely not because they don't love and depend on you.

    You're a doll. Who would not love you? :thumbsup:
  13. monkeyspanker
    I always used to say, I may as well be talking to the toaster (we didn't have brick walls where I lived in the south). When you feel like no one is listening at home or, where ever you are, we are always here :vibes:!! bless you!

    And if I may say, the traps we set, and the baits we take...can lead to a higher level of beating things down where they belong, much love sister,

    M~
  14. titaniumhunter
    Actually it's a good thing, now you know that you really, really, for sure don't want to do Tramadol any more.
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