I Wanna Be Like Alfa

  1. Beenthere2Hippie
    [IMGL=white]https://drugs-forum.com/forum/blog_attachment.php?attachmentid=170&stc=1&d=1473116897[/IMGL]I was only here on DF for about two days when I discovered that the person I most want to be like is Alfa, the man who is what cool is all about. He’s witty, charming, well educated and popular, yet he remains forever incognito. From his place of privacy he oversees and handles all, never mincing or wasting words. You just know he’s the kind of guy that people are mesmerized by, as he walks into a room or a circumstance. So I have set out to be like--and liked by--Alfa. The Coolest guy on DF.

    I can't say that I haven't tried being Cool enough to be Alfa's friend. I've written him notes. No go. So I attempted to send him some of my homemade Wiener Schnitzel, in hopes of capturing his culinary interest. But that didn't work either, since the schnitzel never made it past my drooling neighbor’s dog's mouth, as he ravaged my mailbox to get at it.

    I worked hard, writing Wikis and being a diligent, donating member, but, alas, still no response from my hero. But then, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, it came to me. I have to learn to Be Cool, just like Alfa. I have to be worthy of his friendship; nothing else will do.[IMGR=white]https://drugs-forum.com/forum/blog_attachment.php?attachmentid=169&stc=1&d=1473115863[/IMGR]


    Lucky for me, fate intervened and I came upon this informative website with specific instructions on all the important qualities necessary to become Cool. Imagine my delight. So since I'm not alone in my lack of Coolness, I've decided to share my findings with all of you, so that you can have a shot at Cool, too.


    You do have to pay attention to your looks, develop a unique, charming and engaging personality, and be yourself to be Cool, so let's get down to business.

    Looks are important, but not nearly as important as being who you are. Don't be ashamed to let people see what makes you unique—even if what makes you unique is embarrassing. If you're into bird watching or collecting fingernail clippings, don’t tell anybody. Those are not Cool hobbies. Instead, lie and say you’re heavy into underwater soccer or international poker playing and you'll become Cool. Mix it up and always keep things interesting and people guessing.

    Be Charming

    Everyone is drawn to a charming person so to be Cool, you have to be charming, even when you don't feel up to it (see photo of charming at left and emulate). Dark glasses help on those days you don't look or feel particularly charming. They help a lot. And practicing holding a mild, non-judgmental type of smile on your face for hours at a time is also very helpful.

    Make a habit of listening intently to people you meet, and show interest in what they are trying to share with you. If you can't manage to do that, then fake it. Faking, though not perfect, is still better than being rude. Rude is never Cool.


    No matter how tired you are or how long you've been at the friggin' office after-hours party, or online with a very long-winded and tedious member, never fall asleep out of boredom when you're with them. Doing so will not make you popular, and is not Cool at all. If, no matter how hard you try to stay awake you can't, then do invest in Fake Awake Eyewear (below left) to help avoid hurting anyone's feelings. Not hurting feelings is Cool. Even if you have to fake it.

    Ask Alfa or any of the Mods.

    Be Literate

    [IMGL=white]https://drugs-forum.com/forum/blog_attachment.php?attachmentid=168&stc=1&d=1473116969[/IMGL]No one likes to hang out with a dummy so read and educate yourself. Cool guys and gals are always able to whip out interesting and little-known facts that leave the rest of us intrigued and wanting more--even if the facts are limited to drugs paraphernalia and sex toys. We all get points for trying. Still, always stay well read on your personal interests. And don't forget to keep current on your music. Everything from ancient chants right through the latest chill (non-voc) can help make you Cool.

    Develop a Happening Personality

    Okay. So maybe like me you weren't born with that swagger and calm that comes natural to people like Alfa. That inner finesse (the kind that Joe (5-HTP) hasn't quite obtained yet) that flows freely from truly Cool people. You may not have it but you can develop a little of it, and a little is better than none.

    Be adventurous. Dare yourself to do things you wouldn't normally do. Take chances. Build a drug website (No, no. Never mind. Scratch that. It's already been done.). Be bold and sure of yourself, even if you're clueless as to where you're headed. Have parties and pick up the tabs. Doing so will make you Cool, popular (and broke). But if you want to be happening, do it.

    Looking Good

    Crazy fashions and bizarre styles rarely work for anyone--except for Cool people. They can wear anything, so challenge yourself and make a statement with your mind and your body. Get a crazy new hair cut or get a tattoo of what no one else would dare.

    Think big and be big, and stand out bravely. That's how I picture Alfa: daring, bold, sure of himself and full of great ideas. And that's why someday I might just make it to being like (and liked by) him. You never know, right?

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    Author Bio

    BT2H is a retired news editor and writer from the NYC area who, for health reasons, retired to a southern US state early, and where BT2H continues to write and to post drug-related news to DF.


  1. detoxin momma
    i myself have wondered what it takes to befriend alfa.dont feel too bad,my request wasnt answered either&(..in fact only friend i got that has him on the list that i've noticed is Lumberjack.maybe we should ask him how he did that;)...i guess it gives us something to strive for...lol
  2. Dawn Godess
    People are just people and you are a blessing in your own right,:vibes: never doubt who you are or believe the mental image that you have of anyone.

    Many people have been well and truly let down every second of every day when the meet some one they aspire to be like or hero worship in real life. :cry:

    Only to find out their nothing but a great steaming shit pile and a waste of a life on this planet, :s it's true.

    You always see some poor bastard in new's paper's with a black eye &( and a bloody nose or on the floor being kicked by by some 'Super Star?'

    Well let them all fuck off back up to the sky i say, the nicest people I ever met were always the one's no one else had no time for, or considered them stupid and had no worth? :-

    To be really cool, never try to befriend the ''Top dog'' plan a quite take over, now that's COOL!! :thumbsup:

    Loved you article as it's a 'Cool' piece of writing and witty and entertaining.:applause: Dawn xxx
  3. Joe-(5-HTP)
    I agree with all that dawn goddess.. but Alfa is so cool he's an exception.
  4. Beenthere2Hippie
    Thanks for your comments and encouragemnt, all. : )
  5. idfma
    Okay, most important thing: Where can I get one of those hats?

    I tend to agree BT2H: as soon as one makes cool a goal, they cannot be cool. As you point out, Alfa makes it look effortless, as do all the cool folks.
  6. Beenthere2Hippie
    I think I have to get one of those hats, too, Idfma. One with a bow in the middle, for girls. If I find one, I'll get you one for your birthday...what color do you prefer? :-
  7. idfma
    I think something in neon is called for--green or yellow? I mean I don't want to call to much attention to myself. :laugh:
  8. Gradient
    You should see his office. Someone should really take a hose to it, wash out the debauchery. The guy's really out of control, it's no wonder he never sleeps.
  9. Beenthere2Hippie
    Somehow, I have no problem believing that. Betcha it's a lot like a maze that only he can successfully maneuver through. The beauty of make it is a thing of wonder. :D
  10. D0pe
    Sorry Beenthere2hippie I had to add this :applause: Take it in a positive way :vibes:

    If only if only Alfa could be my friend.. Or at the very least he can send me his Hair Clippings via mail in exchange for donation money. Then i would probably weave together a hair doll and attach googly eyes and some knitted pants and shit.. I would smell my hair doll, i would talk to my hair doll, i would sleep with my Alfa Hair doll.

    Then during night of insomnia i would sit with my Alfa Hair doll and surf drugs forum.. Reading and talking to my Alfa hair.. Maybe even pointing and laughing at the screen and laughing together as a team with my Alfa hair doll.

    Of course us as a team would be cool.. The neighbors would envy me, And drugs forum members would be astonished at my Alfa hair doll photo album.

    I hope Alfa uses conditioner, I hope his hair is long, maybe one piece of his hair is equivalent to taking a drug..

    I will never own a Alfa hair doll.. Maybe i can be cool without one ? Maybe i can make a hair doll out of my cats hair ?
  11. Beenthere2Hippie
    I am SO way into your HEAD, DOpe! This comment represents an excellent level of unhealthy preoccupation with powerful people on the internet--ones that we'll never really get to know!!! A hair doll is just kooky enough to be almost feasible...Hmm. Now let me see...
  12. D0pe
    I thought it was a nice addition to your blog.. And personally i was inspired by you.. The genius creativity came out of the bowls of the blog you created.. Same book but different chapter.

    I really did like it though.. The figures of speech in your blog and my comment are open to interpretation.. Each person getting a different vibe or feeling from the text.. Me i thought this one was funny.. Can i get your permission on writing a more extensive Hair Doll post.. I will put a foot note at the bottom for credit to you also..

    . As useless as it is. Us people who write and have creative patterns of thinking need material to get the juices flowing.. This one surely got my attention and really had me thinking about aspects of being a owner, having many contacts, responsibillities, being in the shadows, unknown but totally seen and omnipresent..

    The is the word to best describe Alfa.. Omnipresent :applause: I would be a million dollars someone has told him that before..
  13. Beenthere2Hippie
  14. MoreGutzThanGlory
    I am so cool that when I read this: I saw the word orifice, and thought holy smokes I've been looking in the wrong place, and putting my fingers in the wrong orifices...of course then I realized the word was office, so it seems I will never be friends with Alfa, and all my hopes were dashed...
  15. Beenthere2Hippie
    Sigh. And so it goes. All of us, just short of glory...
  16. Sushi
    My friend's request was accepted not so long ago. I have never before tried to get it. I have been just doing what I feel is right to do there. Then I was promoted to Gold, but I still wasn't considered with sending a request to him. I made friends with some mods, but I was never really bothered with befriending Alfa. I love this site, love his attitude and dedication, but I suppose he has so much to do, so I never tried to attract his interest in me. Then some things happened, we talked a bit and now we are "friends". Even though I have such a deep distrust in authority. Maybe this is because I'm Polish, maybe because I'm somewhat anarchist, I don't know. I'm also not so stupid to believe in anarchy, sometimes I think dictatorship is better than democracy, but it's not the point.

    Just give the issue some natural time. We're not here to make friends, this not fucking FB, purpose of this site is to give info otherwise hard to obtain. Well, yes, DF has functions of a social site and it's good. Just don't let yourself get fooled with it. Que Sera, Sera, Whatever Will Be, Will Be.
  17. marathonmel7
    This blog entry is absolutely hysterical. I was waiting for work to start yesterday and I decided to read it and man, did it hit the spot. I needed a little humor in my day. Just want to say thank you to BT2H. It's refreshing to read your posts and I dig your style of writing. Keep it up, it's quite entertaining and I will be tuning in often to see what others have to say about being cool. Haha…
  18. Booty love
    i'm extremely hurt by this. i really really thought you wanted too be like me on here i'm cool hippie, you know that!
  19. Beenthere2Hippie
    Sushi, Marathonmel17 and Booty love--Sorry I didn't write sooner but truth is, I've been so busy lately that I haven't even looked to check my blog for responses in quite a while.

    Thank you and thank you again each for taking the time to read my rant, and for both enjoying and getting the point of this satirical piece. I cannot tell you how long I sat and contemplated the idea for this blog before I then finally somehow mustered up with the nerve to sit down, write the piece and then--horrors of horrors--then actually post it for millions to see (*my stomach still rolls just thinking about it).

    After I posted this subversive little slice of banter, I then sat and worried myself silly that maybe (just maybe) I'd gone too far, and that Alfa himself was going to solemnly write me, chastise me and personally kick me out of DF for good for having consider such a subversive move.

    For a little while no one responded to the blog and I thought, "Oh, Well. I guess it either slipped by Alfa unnoticed (he is a busy man), or that he decided that a non-person such as myself didn't deserve even the least of his attention. My subconscious, little internal voice--the one that haunts us all--assured me that members also steered clear of responding to my blog for fear of reprisal much like the one that was in store for me. Then, the first few blog comments trickled in... proving that my attempt at satire had gone awry, fell flat, been misunderstood. I wasn't sure if I should be happy and relax at long last. Or, if I should down and have a good cry.

    Of course, I took the original responding readers' misunderstanding of my intent as the fault of me, the writer. I thought about taking the blog down and slinking away, never to be a blogger again. But then I realized that such an action would probably just draw more unwanted attention to my failing than did the original blog. What is a girl to do? So I wrote a disclaimer and hung my fate on the wind.

    I don't know if that disclaimer helped, or if the blog finally made its way to the right audience. Either way, I felt better. I also should add that I finally got to know Alfa a little bit, and even got cause to exchange VM conversations with him (which I figure is about as close to the Wizard of DF as any member can get). It all went to prove to me that Alfa is a very human and real person, and not at all a glass man in a tower (but he does have a wiaard hat...). Don't get me wrong. Although I know him a bit now, I still carry the same deep, residing-level of respect mixed with a healthy inkling of fear for the man, just as I did when he was still a total stranger. And that, I'm guessing, is how it should stay.

    No, I haven't given up the hope that someday I will become his friend. And that he'll become mine. But as of right now, I have not yet worked up the courage to lace my little left finger on the friendship request button--the button that holds within it the crap-shoot chance of possible and hurtful rejection--and click. We all have to have those few somethings we look forward to achieving in life. One of mine is becoming friends with Alfa. It's always nice to have aspirations and dreams to shoot for.
  20. Sushi
    Dear B., don't worry, no one will kick you out of here, unless you break the rules, lol :D You know, I'm not a mod, not even aspiring, but I read many of your posts and it's seems obvious to me that you are an asset to DF, your contributions and commitment speak for themselves. Keep blogging, it's good that you share your thoughts and reflections, I, for one, have never had a courage to start a blog here, don't feel like I have anything valuable to say. It's good to have you here. Hugs. Yours truly -
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