Really committed to cutting heroin from life forever. But if I relapse and give in. Go back surely there won't be any more chances - surely my luck will fail and I will not wake up. I'm alive because my body just didn't shut down I can't even remember how many times I saw death while in the fog. I bet my life and banked on that luck - fed on it and drained it like I drained everything else in life -and used more heroin sometimes adding more muscle relaxers more xanax. Multiple times waking up in ER so many more waking up covered in vomit, cold, numb, empty and alone wanting more. I can't tell you why I'm alive.
I don't plan on relapsing but I have the urge and there's always going to be that possibility. Surely if I go back down that road I will go back to old habits and attitudes that will consume my soul. If there's an afterlife surely that soul is bound for hell. If I go for a round 2 after two years of constant, daily heroin use as much as I could (4 more of unhappiness and anger and other drugs) that will surely destroy me and lead me back to the depraved person I was. That person is so destructive, greedy, apathetic, shameless, predatory and spiteful. The soul of such a person could not possibly achieve any kind of peace, rest or happiness. Perhaps it would just collapse in on itself once the life sustaining it is finally smothered by the habit. I want to be a good person who finds mental and physical health. Maybe even spiritual was always unable to take that step into the unknown.
I'm not that person now that I've woken up and felt hope. I want to have a healthy positive future and explore both my own and others humanity. But that darkness is still lurking in the deepest parts of my mind - waiting like an animal waits for the kill, waiting to take back the wheel and destroy everything I care about. I'm going to have to confront it everyday and beat it back into its hole. I can't allow that person to come out again and cause pain & misery to anyone ever again. I won't let that happen I can't let that part of me that I created, enabled and worst of all willingly accepted drag me back down.
I will explore my life to its natural limits and I will die as a result of a natural or accidental death that was not self induced. I will not die with heroin in my system. I will learn to handle all of the drugs I still use in a controlled safe way. I will not allow that blackness to get a glimpse of me being reckless and out of control. Because the blackness, the real addiction was born because I liked being out of control it just gained so much power when opiates entered the picture. That's on me. These are my thoughts I wanted to share them. I want to die having known real happiness and purpose in life. If I'm going to be angry about what has happened I'll use it to stay dedicated to containing, beating and slowly watch my addiction lose its power as it comes out to test me. I will kill that blackness by cutting it off from what it loves - giving in. Destroy it by achieving a happy life and learning and experiencing everything that I can and becoming all I can be. I will probably reread these words for the rest of my life. I cannot handle opiates and I loathe the person I became, that I let myself become.
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