Hope to check in with my close "cyber" friends personally, but thought I should also post here to keep continuity and let people know what's up with us. Between hyperemesis in early pregnancy and throughout, a late undiagnosed breech and immense pressure for a cesarean (which I declined, babe flipped, all's well- follow your body's wisdom and intuition and things really do fall into place) and a two month morphine taper for my little guy due to neonatal abstinence syndrome, the first month and a half in the NICU, things have been a journey, quite rough at times.
We are now settling in, my son is healthy and strong and the love of my life, and for now am single parenting, which has not been as bad or hard as some make it out to be. The only hard part, the only difference, is the unknowns of the future, above and beyond the unknowns we all have anyway. I don't always do well with unknowns but live with them, what other choice do I have really? I do the best I can for myself and my son and we are creating a nice little family life together.
Anyway, am loving motherhood and it comes so naturally, like this is how it always was and always will be somehow.. but I know that is not the case.. and he's a bit of a high needs kiddo so I sure don't have much "spare" time for basic endeavors like forum posts, schoolwork, or showers lol. I do have tons of help and support from near-by family and friends which is irreplaceable.
Needless to say, my recovery remains strong and I am still on the methadone program, increasing a bit during pregnancy and continuing m split dosing, and then I did taper down to my pre-pregnancy dose and slightly below in the immediate postpartum period (for those unaware, your body fluid volume, metabolism, etc. increase during pregnancy, thus you may need higher dosing to stay stable, but then when I was no longer pregnant, as my body started returning to normal, I wanted to bring my dose back in line with that) Then I started to feel it, we opiate addicts know that feeling immediately, and stopped tapering immediately and went back up a few mgs. I feel good now, and I think the split dosing really helps, pregnant or no, for me at least.
I am still toying with the idea of a slooooowwww taper over time, and may do so, but I do tend towards a belief that some people need opioids for life as a medication due to endorphin deficiency, and there is a real possibility I may. I didn't feel "right" before I started using and was considered by many to be depressed or bipolar or rebellious or god kows what.. but something was not right in my own mind and self, I know that. It is now- the question is, would that remain without the medication? Is it essential to my brain chemistry? I know for myself at some point, I have to at least give it a go, when the time is right, and be in tune with my body as I have been so I know if it is not working there is no need to push it beyond the limits of stability. But I need to find this out for me.
But for now I want to completely stabilize my body at my current dose and focus on staying healthy in many ways- exercise, hydration, vitamins, etc., so that I can nourish my child in those many ways and meet his many needs, physical, mental, spiritual. I feel the responsibility of another life resting in my hands a blessing and an intensity I sometimes marvel at. The interconnectedness of pregnancy, birth, and nursing, the idea that your body feeds into another's, is amazing and a huge responsibility, one I take very seriously.
My perspective on some things has changed greatly, things I thought were important have faded, but my core is intact, and I have learned many lessons. Life continues on, my son continues growing up, and I continue to grow with him.
I may or may not be on the forums much.. some days all I can do is eat and drink and sleep and meet my child's needs, I give of myself and that is okay, that is where I need to be, in many ways we operate as one unit, a dyad as they say. But I do hope to return to a presence on this forum as well as our lives and circumstances allow, and to reconnect with those whose paths have crossed mine in the past, and to forge new connections and help others beginning down the path of recovery.
Peace and light,