I'm not as smart as I thought I was . . .

By Fight Club · Aug 8, 2008 · ·
  1. Fight Club
    Growing up, the love I got from my parents was mostly conditional. They had only the highest expectations that I do well in school, work hard, get a great job, find a beautiful, educated and hard-working wife and raise a happy family.

    My parents never showed disappointment or anger when any of these things didn't materialized, but the praise and rewards were not the same; I could always tell the difference.

    As a consequence, I not only kept some of my true feelings, including doubts and insecurities from others; I kept them from myself as well, using denial and eventually, drugs as an excuse for failing to meet my parent's expectations.

    With a year of clean time behind me, I have only recently come to realize and accept some of my faults and weaknesses:

    1. I am not as smart as my parents lead me to believe I was; it's OK to not be the brightest person in the room.

    2. My short-term memory sucks; especially when anxiety or depression gets a hold on me. As a consequence I need to spend more time preparing for meetings and rely on external aids (PDA, to-do list, reminders, etc.) to keep track of the stuff I need to get done.

    3. Sometimes I am motivated and sometimes I am lazy; even when motivated, I am a great procastinator, especially with stuff I just don't want to do (and thats human, and OK).

    4. I don't need to make a million dollars or convince others how much I have achieved to feel good about myself.

    5. Being happy, wherever you are, whatever you are doing is the best feeling in the world. When I am happy, I could care less what I am missing or where else I might be.

    When I am "in the zone" and my program is working as it should, I feel a sense of peace, serenity, happiness and connectedness towards every human being, animal, and living thing I come in contact with. I am truly without fear, and on top of the world. If that's not God at work, what is?

    Peace and best wishes to all of you.


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  1. RaverHippie
    Great realizations there. I can completely agree with the parents situation. They were pretty distant with all their feelings and so I assumed they had really high expectations for me even though they never articulated such.
  2. savingJenniB
    Count your blessings. I grew up from trailer park trash. Expectations, demands & laments were all expressed . . . perhaps, I should say "exposed" . . . often in a very raw & non-rational manner.

    By the time I was 15 years old, I had learned from my mother: about "diet" pills ~ amphetamines, "sleeping" pills ~ barbituates, how to cover (lie) about affairs, and when to hide the car keys. As the oldest child, I in affect became the parent ~ the responsible party.

    The highest hopes my parents had for me was a job as an airline stewardess ~ so that they would be able to fly for free!

    Moved out a week before my 18th birthday and never looked back. Paid for my own college, schooling, cars, homes, etc. . .

    Looking back on it now ~ i would have to say that my parents never lived up to my expectations ~ a sad legacy.

    You may not consider yourself as smart as you once thought you were, but I think you are actually growing wiser & happier than your own expectations. And you are smart enough to be in recovery, and generous enough to share it with us.

    I admire your courage, strength, and communication skills. Thank you.
  3. The Dreamer
    I agree, especially number five. For all my faults, if I can manage to attain happiness I'll have done a lot better than most.
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