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    PLEASE HELP

I'm not as smart as I thought I was . . .

Rating:
4/5,
  1. Fight Club
    Growing up, the love I got from my parents was mostly conditional. They had only the highest expectations that I do well in school, work hard, get a great job, find a beautiful, educated and hard-working wife and raise a happy family.

    My parents never showed disappointment or anger when any of these things didn't materialized, but the praise and rewards were not the same; I could always tell the difference.

    As a consequence, I not only kept some of my true feelings, including doubts and insecurities from others; I kept them from myself as well, using denial and eventually, drugs as an excuse for failing to meet my parent's expectations.

    With a year of clean time behind me, I have only recently come to realize and accept some of my faults and weaknesses:

    1. I am not as smart as my parents lead me to believe I was; it's OK to not be the brightest person in the room.

    2. My short-term memory sucks; especially when anxiety or depression gets a hold on me. As a consequence I need to spend more time preparing for meetings and rely on external aids (PDA, to-do list, reminders, etc.) to keep track of the stuff I need to get done.

    3. Sometimes I am motivated and sometimes I am lazy; even when motivated, I am a great procastinator, especially with stuff I just don't want to do (and thats human, and OK).

    4. I don't need to make a million dollars or convince others how much I have achieved to feel good about myself.

    5. Being happy, wherever you are, whatever you are doing is the best feeling in the world. When I am happy, I could care less what I am missing or where else I might be.

    When I am "in the zone" and my program is working as it should, I feel a sense of peace, serenity, happiness and connectedness towards every human being, animal, and living thing I come in contact with. I am truly without fear, and on top of the world. If that's not God at work, what is?

    Peace and best wishes to all of you.

    FC

Comments

  1. RaverHippie
    Great realizations there. I can completely agree with the parents situation. They were pretty distant with all their feelings and so I assumed they had really high expectations for me even though they never articulated such.
  2. savingJenniB
    Count your blessings. I grew up from trailer park trash. Expectations, demands & laments were all expressed . . . perhaps, I should say "exposed" . . . often in a very raw & non-rational manner.

    By the time I was 15 years old, I had learned from my mother: about "diet" pills ~ amphetamines, "sleeping" pills ~ barbituates, how to cover (lie) about affairs, and when to hide the car keys. As the oldest child, I in affect became the parent ~ the responsible party.

    The highest hopes my parents had for me was a job as an airline stewardess ~ so that they would be able to fly for free!

    Moved out a week before my 18th birthday and never looked back. Paid for my own college, schooling, cars, homes, etc. . .

    Looking back on it now ~ i would have to say that my parents never lived up to my expectations ~ a sad legacy.

    You may not consider yourself as smart as you once thought you were, but I think you are actually growing wiser & happier than your own expectations. And you are smart enough to be in recovery, and generous enough to share it with us.

    I admire your courage, strength, and communication skills. Thank you.
  3. The Dreamer
    I agree, especially number five. For all my faults, if I can manage to attain happiness I'll have done a lot better than most.
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