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  1. ima.get.her.doee
    Well, here I go again. Letting my addiction get ahold of me. I can never seem to stay sober now, even though I want to, I always fall back into it. Been an addict since I was 18 years old. Im 24 now.... longest I have stayed clean was for a year and 3 months. second time, 4 months.... I had written a poem back in 2012 that applies perfectly to my struggle with addiction.

    my addiction- written in 2012

    Once again, here I reside...
    happiness and dreams aside.
    trying not to fall, I fail,
    away in despair I sail.
    my wings are broken
    no more I'll fly...
    kiss my promised future goodbye...
    one more chance
    I beg, I plead!
    I'll do my best
    strive to succeed.
    cant continue to succumb,
    to the thing I hate,
    that makes me numb.
    I'll walk, I'll run, I'll jump, I'll climb,
    practice will make me strong in time.
    everyday I'll work my best,
    passing every single test...
    if I dont, I'll fall to dark,
    where death will surely make its mark.

    The struggle is real. I know I can be strong and fight this, but at this point in my life, with the situations at hand.... I need a way to cope. As sad as it may seem, its the only way I know how. Sure, journaling helps, writing poems, and music plays a big part of coping.... But I still am constantly in the mix of the problems lifes dealing me right now, and I'd rather not think of it.

    IVing meth, helps keep my mind off of the things I'm going through. I know its temporary, but like I say its my temporary happiness. Im not a "tweaker" or a "pheen" I am functional.

    I dont have to steal or do crazy, stupid, things that usually go with IV meth users, I simply use to keep my mind focused on things that dont get me depressed. One of these days, however, I will get clean and stay clean. I'll be done with meth. Until then.... I'd like to take you into my mind, the mind of a drug addict.

Comments

  1. lololsolid
    You’re in a room that’s barren and dark,
    With no idea of the journey upon which you’re about to embark.
    And then, with a single unfettered spark,
    Comes to life an antique amusement park.

    Unfolding before you is a roulette wheel,
    Rusted and dusted by bonemeal.
    A nuclear sun glares with all the power it wields,
    Lighting the wheel as its labels are revealed.
    Beneath the scream of steel on steel,
    The labels display tables of drugs and their appeal.

    The attendant beckons for you to spin,
    And though your mind is not convinced,
    You bend forward and torque the wheel with a wince.
    The colors fly by in a whirlwind,
    ‘til the wheel lands on tobacco’s twin.

    Marijuana is the drug of peace,
    Not addicting, but a drug at the least.
    A bong and pipe with embers emblazend,
    A whole new world to comprehend.
    Isn’t the feeling a new kind of great?
    Here you stand at Ganja’s gate.

    Another spin and you’re on your way
    To another drug, despite your weed cache.
    This time it ought to be stronger,
    A profound high lasting longer and longer.
    The wheel’s selection reads LSD;
    Gears grind to a halt with the report of a banshee.
    While you begin to hallucinate,
    Your mind begins to oscillate.
    Round and round in circles it goes,
    While all your deepest fears lye exposed.
    But still you sense a deep-seeded rush-
    And you just can’t seem to get enough.
    Despite all the factors at stake,
    Here you stand at acid’s gate.

    Once more the wheel begins to churn,
    Independent of all the bridges you’ve burned.
    Neon text reads DXM,
    The first drug to which you’re fully condemned.
    At first the trips seem joyous,
    Until you find yourself lost and voiceless.
    It’s funny how quickly the tables have turned,
    But with dex by your side you’re unconcerned.
    This drug leaves you broken and psychotic,
    Gasping for air with blue lips hypoxic.
    But despite all the suffering and pain,
    Your disillusioned heart thinks you’ve something to gain.
    So as your body begins to rot,
    All your deeds have gone to naught.
    This is a drug to which you are chained,
    And with the passage of time your soul will be drained.
    And while your mind begins to break,
    Here you stand at Dextroverse gate.

    Now churns the wheel against your will,
    With a demonic sound sadistic and shrill.
    All fun has evacuated the situation
    While you trudge the dark highway towards termination.
    The decaying wheel halts on Opana,
    An opiate-addiction filled panorama.
    You want to run but you’ll be gunned down quick,
    For now you’ve got a physical addiction to kick.
    This shit isn’t cheap and it empties the bank,
    As much as you blame others you’ve only yourself to thank.
    Those you love begin to fall away,
    Replaced by a synthetic narcotic bouquet.
    All the time spent so lonely and scared,
    The days and nights of solitude and despair,
    Has formed a drug-induced hopeless cascade-
    All while you stand at oxymorphone’s gate.

    And now, though all curiosity is gone,
    You’re to intoxicated to protest or respond
    As the wheel begins to make its next cycle
    This time you’re becoming suical.
    Seeing the wheel land on heroin,
    You at first feel a rush of sheer adrenaline.
    Being the last drug that could offer salvation,
    It instead offers demonic manifestation.
    While your body and mind are too numb to notice,
    You’re essence of self is draining with a harsh diagnosis:
    That everyone and everything you’ve ever cared for
    Have left you to rot inside this sick metaphor;
    To chase happiness and a dragon you’ll never obtain,
    To wallow in pity and infinite disdain.
    The needle brings bliss but it also brings loss,
    So the longer you stay the more you’ll be lost.
    The power of your will is no longer a debate,
    Because now you’re a slave to china white’s gate.

    With one last gasp the wheel begins to turn,
    Your heart is bleeding and your eyes burn
    From all the crying and all the tears,
    You’ve struggled in vain for all these years.
    For now the wheel reads the single word death;
    It seems you’re breathing one of your last breaths.
    You knew this is where you’d end up,
    But still death’s arrival seems too soon and abrupt.
    You know that you’re not ready to die,
    To rot in a grave splattered with lye.
    But death will come and you’ll have no choice,
    But to depart with deeds left undone and thoughts left unvoiced.
    And listen because what I’m saying is true,
    You might sleep in denial but it can happen to you.
    You’ll be left with ghostly reminders of potential untraced,
    Wondering how you reached such a dark fate.
    But you’ll just be another sad and lonely whisper,
    Trapped behind death’s gate.
  2. Scloud90
    Wow you can stay clean longer than me, damn. It usually isnt a big issue when I run out but I go back pretty fast. and nice words, Im too scared to try iv heard its too amazing.
  3. JonnyBGoode
    Thanks for sharing I think doing something creative and expressing yourself is a very good way of coping with addiction, I am not much of a poet but have also been writing a blog on DF and it has helped me understand myself a bit better just writing out the thoughts in my head. I know your pain and I understand how crippling an addiction can be and the long road back through recovery can seem endless and daunting but you can always share on her and get some comments from the non judgemental people of DF! Keep posting and keep your chin up!
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