All my life I have struggled with addiction. Not always drugs. I get addicted and obsessed at times with ideas, thoughts, patterns and feelings. I have always been able to identify connections and reason how things come to be in my personal life. I realize drugs can be harmful if used for the wrong reasons or used to often. But I love the way my mind thinks on them. I truly am creative when using and my best work has always come during usage. Why is it everyone in my life wants me to stop? Do they not remember who I am without. I naturally have tendencies of being introverted. I am very quiet and shy. I never have any energy. I have no interest in anything. This is me before use. After I use I am so outgoing and proud to be different. I embrace everyone for who they are. Yet they forget that all major relationships were made both romantic and platonic while on something. I don't talk or seek interest in anyone sober. They like who I was when we first met. And yes that is me. But its the altered self. Its the true self that begs to be free. Now as I enter a new stage in life and become a parent. I see it very important to restrain from using. But my shy self takes over. I now am very quiet. My significant other does not understand. Up until the birth of my child I was still using something. Now I don't. No creativity. No dialogue. No substance to life. Be sides staying clean for social and moral reasons. I feel as though I am losing touch with myself. I am at a crossroads. I know what path I should take. But my feet are walking down the other. Can one balance usage and family without negative consequences? I couldn't take it anymore and used. I used all day and night. My mind exploded with new ideas and concepts. I felt alive again. Yet the consequence was I couldn't touch my child. My family isolated me so I could not contaminated my child. It hurt but I continued to binge. Until finally my child cried out for me, tried to crawl to me and I could not pick my child up in my arms. I stopped after that. And life went back to normal. But I feel empty inside. I partly only feel a fraction of good because I know I am doing the right thing by staying clean. But I can't help but think, am I the only one?