All my life I have struggled with addiction. Not always drugs. I get addicted and obsessed at times with ideas, thoughts, patterns and feelings. I have always been able to identify connections and reason how things come to be in my personal life. I realize drugs can be harmful if used for the wrong reasons or used to often. But I love the way my mind thinks on them. I truly am creative when using and my best work has always come during usage. Why is it everyone in my life wants me to stop? Do they not remember who I am without. I naturally have tendencies of being introverted. I am very quiet and shy. I never have any energy. I have no interest in anything. This is me before use. After I use I am so outgoing and proud to be different. I embrace everyone for who they are. Yet they forget that all major relationships were made both romantic and platonic while on something. I don't talk or seek interest in anyone sober. They like who I was when we first met. And yes that is me. But its the altered self. Its the true self that begs to be free. Now as I enter a new stage in life and become a parent. I see it very important to restrain from using. But my shy self takes over. I now am very quiet. My significant other does not understand. Up until the birth of my child I was still using something. Now I don't. No creativity. No dialogue. No substance to life. Be sides staying clean for social and moral reasons. I feel as though I am losing touch with myself. I am at a crossroads. I know what path I should take. But my feet are walking down the other. Can one balance usage and family without negative consequences? I couldn't take it anymore and used. I used all day and night. My mind exploded with new ideas and concepts. I felt alive again. Yet the consequence was I couldn't touch my child. My family isolated me so I could not contaminated my child. It hurt but I continued to binge. Until finally my child cried out for me, tried to crawl to me and I could not pick my child up in my arms. I stopped after that. And life went back to normal. But I feel empty inside. I partly only feel a fraction of good because I know I am doing the right thing by staying clean. But I can't help but think, am I the only one?
Dear Drugs-Forum readers: We are a small non-profit that runs one of the most read drug information & addiction help websites in the world. We serve over 4 million readers per month, and have costs like all popular websites: servers, hosting, licenses and software. To protect our independence we do not run ads. We take no government funds. We run on donations which average $25. If everyone reading this would donate $5 then this fund raiser would be done in an hour. If Drugs-Forum is useful to you, take one minute to keep it online another year by donating whatever you can today. Donations are currently not sufficient to pay our bills and keep the site up. Your help is most welcome. Thank you.