...::: it's always something :::...

By kailey_elise · Feb 21, 2012 · ·
  1. kailey_elise
    I've barely been online lately; I've been busy playing games I loved playing on the SNES on my roommate's GBA. I finished Donkey Kong Country (with the 101% rating, thankyouverymuch - okay, I needed the strategy guide to get those last few bits, but whatever) & now I'm playing Final Fantasy 3/Final Fantasy 6 (if you don't know, it was released in the USA initially as FF3 for the SuperNintendo system, but it was actually the 6th installment in the series; there were 3 games that they didn't release in the USA. They eventually gave us the 3 missing games, and renamed this one FF6, as it should have been in the first place). Actually, I'm playing Final Fantasy 6 Advance (since I'm playing it on the GameBoy Advance), which is neat because there are some updates/differences between the original and the version they ported over to the GBA.

    Anyway, so I've been playing video games obsessively instead of sitting on the Internet obsessively. Heh.

    I think I'm in love with someone I don't think I can ever "officially" be dating. This breaks my heart & eats my soul, particularly since I think he likes me a lot too. Ugh, it's always something, right? He's such a great kid, and 'fits' me in so many ways. *sigh* Lucky me. :(

    I'm having issues with my mother. I've been eligible for a free phone upgrade since 1/11/11. I need my mother to do this; it's her account & I don't own a credit card (which they won't charge anything to - they need it 'just in case', though >.< ). The fact that she can't take 10 minutes of her time once every two years for her first-born child & only daughter who she claims to care for so much hurts me so fucking bad. She finally gave me her login info & such to order it myself, but then I needed a credit card, so I asked her to please just do it. This was over to weeks ago & she has yet to do it & is also avoiding my calls & not answering my texts.

    Why can't she see that it's about more than the fucking phone? And for fucks sake - why can't she just fucking ORDER THE PHONE!? It seriously will take her way less than 10 minutes! She's paying for phone features I can't use because my phone's too old! This drives me nuts.

    My father has lung cancer. They gave him 2 months to live without treatment. I can't *BELIEVE* that they still make him wait a week or two between appointments after giving him 2 fucking months to live. Seriously??! He's gonna get radiation, and if that doesn't work, then the surgery. This explains why my father started calling me after not talking to me for well over 5 years (he knew he had cancer for about a year before he went in to have it diagnosed). I don't care why he started talking to me again; I'm just pleased that he is.

    My beloved clinician at the methadone clinic was unceremoniously fired last month (the rumor is she got into a fight with another clinician & the other clinician is besties w/the clinic director). I'm still feeling lost; I've been seeing her on a weekly basis for over 2 years. I finally stopped doing drugs within 2 months of starting to see her. With her, I finally found out what therapy really could be. I'm very upset. I have a new therapist (the old one just dropped off the face of the planet), but I haven't developed a relationship with her yet & I can tell she's nothing like my clinician was. :( I think the new clinician starts this week; I hope she isn't a twit. *sigh*

    There are bright spots; I really enjoy playing my video game (& my roomie says that since I enjoy 'level grinding' so much, I'll probably like playing Dissidia Final Fantasy, which she'll loan me when I'm done w/FF6), my cat Jamie makes me feel content & needed, my not-boyfriend (who the fuck comes over to bring you dinner & medication & to just cuddle you with no intention of having sex because he knows you're on the rag & in pain BUT your boyfriend?!) makes me deliriously happy & feel contented, desired & wanted. I greatly enjoy spending time with him - he doesn't have to be my 'boyfriend', but I just don't wanna get blindsided by him saying "oh, I have a girlfriend now" one day out of the blue (unless he's referring to me, haha). I have a warm bed to sleep in every night & I'm comfortable with (most of) the people I live with.

    Regarding 'feeling wanted'; I never really feel like anyone would *REALLY* care if I didn't exist (this isn't a suicidal thing, don't worry). But I honestly feel like Not-Boyfriend sincerely is extremely pleased that I actually exist on this planet; that he's happy I was born & came into his life 17 years ago (& re-entered it last year). That he truly is pleased to have met me. I don't even feel as though my parents ever have thoughts like that, nor did I feel like my ex-husband felt that way about me, ever. It's sort of frightening, though I like feeling wanted in that way.

    Share This Article


  1. CanadianBakin
    Keep hangin on to the bright spots! And plenty of people here as well, most definitely care for your existence Kailey! ;) Sorry to hear about your father... But anyhow, I enjoyed reading your blog... Good job on the 101% in DK, that's a honourable feat. :)
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!