For as long as I can remember being alive, I've felt like a burden. Like I was not good enough. Like I didn't belong. I don't remember anyone ever saying that to me as a child or an adult. It's still a feeling I cannot shake. I try too hard with people and I bend over backwards. I give too many chances to those who don't deserve them. I go out of my way to make those around me feel good and comfortable and entertained. I put my needs on the back burner, always. I get walked on. I get let down. I get mistreated. For reasons unknown to me I feel like I deserve it. For the past few years I've been working on my heart. Making it stronger and making it colder. Making it hard. A soldier. My family has abandoned me. I gut it out with no real friends and every potential friend I meet is kept at an arms length. Is this reasonable on my part? No probably not, but it beats being used, hurt and let down. It angers me when people look down their noses at me because of the things I've done in my life. I've chosen to use drugs and I'm not ashamed of that. I have a love for speed and yes, I consume cough syrup to excess. I've tried alot of substances and there are plenty more that I will try when I am able. I've never been in trouble for drugs. I've never been to rehab. I've never taken food out of the mouths of babes for drugs. I've never prostituted myself. I've never stolen for drugs. No one has been hurt by my usage except for me, and that hurt is yet to be seen. I know it isn't wise to continue to play fast and loose with my body, brain and heart by using. I am a responsible user. If and when the time comes for me to stop I will stop. Tina is the only thing that makes me feel like I matter. Like I'm good enough. She can take the lamest loser and make them feel worthy. It's nice to feel worthy for once. It's nice to feel like I don't have to give my all for nothing in return. Some people in my life won't like it, but its my life. I will live my life how I see fit. Those who mind do not matter and those who matter do not mind.
J. The Lone Wolf
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