By SuicidalSoldier · Nov 7, 2008 · ·
  1. SuicidalSoldier
    waking up alone.
    no job. no money. but more importantly, no significant other. i mean, whod want to be with an insane 18 year old fuckup whos fading away faster and faster each day.
    never meet any new girls.
    never have the courage to just approach.
    seein no light at the end of the tunnel.
    noose tied and hanging.
    can i kick the chair?
    kick my family & friends.
    kick my country and government.
    kick my meaning(ANARCHY) ?

    yes, yes i can.


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  1. SuicidalSoldier
    and yes, i rated this 1st time myself as bottom. cause thats where i am. not for long now though.
  2. seeingred
    Hey man. I know how you feel. I'm 19: no job, no boyfriend, no close by friends to hang with....out of college...and it's crazy. I'm moving to California and hoping it will change all this. No more dealing with my crazy mother etc. etc. I hope you feel better.
  3. savingJenniB
    Yes! Yes! Yes!
    You can.

    Life is good.

    The Law of Attraction.
  4. SuicidalSoldier
    SWIM is surprised anyone even noticed this entry. even more surprised that people showed care. the noose is away for now, SWIM picked up his diazepam, has 1x10mg temazepam tab and 30x5mg valium. hopefully get put on nitrazepam instead....valium fucks with SWIM's memory too bad. thanks for the support community folks, i love you all.
  5. old hippie 56
    Insane 18 yr old with nothing, just starting out in your adult life. Hang in there, it does get better.
  6. SuicidalSoldier
    nothing ever gets better. things always stay the same. life/space/time/w.e is a circle. it has a beginning and an end. and at the end, is the beginning.
    THAT is where i am going to rip a hole. right at the start/end join. then one last time frame and it will all be over, the suffering, the pain, the anger, the hatred, the love. AND ALL THINGS WILL END.
    thanks for the support though
    ps. old hippie i stole your avatar :) <3
  7. hesse
    I'm suffering from depression myself, and have had my fair share of shit and dark thoughts - some of them involving taking my own life. I've had it like this since I was at least twelve, so I think I can imagine how you must feel.

    At my darkest hours, two things has kept me going. First, I've lost both family and friends at a far too young age - so I know what it is like being the one left behind with the sorrow and the questions. I just can't put someone through that, and neither should you, even though you can't seem to find any other way. It is there, it's just not as obvious.
    There's always someone that care. Hey, I, as a complete stranger from another country care enough about you to not want to see you dead, imagine how your friends and family would feel, although you want to kick their ass ;). Secondly, since I'm here on this island in space, I might as well stay and see what happens - maybe a lot, maybe nothing, but I sure as hell won't find out if I kill myself.

    I'm still here at 23, and I am planning to stay until my day comes by itself, not by me - no matter how shitty life gets. It is not my desicion. What does work for me though, is travelling. Since you have no job, no gf, no money (and trust me, these things really doesen't matter as long as you're not content with yourself or your surroundings) - nothing is holding you back from travelling the world. See stuff, explore stuff, live stuff. These are the things to do if you're stuck, and again, as long as nothing is keeping you stuck, you might as well pack your bags and leave to see it. Do try that before you do something drastic at least. What will it cost you? You do have a thumb? One is enough, or if you are unfortunate enough to not have any, you could make a sign - or have someone make it for you. Food can be found, tag along with squatters, backpackers - they're usually open to meet new people.

    Have you by the way shared these thoughts with anyone in your family, or some of your friends? Talking about it is hard - believe me, but it really helps drive the demons away. You're not expected to deal with this alone, so don't. Explain how you feel, and get it off your shoulders. We care about you!

    billy: thank you :)
  8. SuicidalSoldier
    today is a new day, im thankful for evry breath i take- P.O.D: Alive

    thanks for the support. today looks like its gonna be a good'un.
    feelin a bit better.
    thanks for letting me know that im not alone on this island in the space between my mind and reality. a.k.a limbo

    xx billy - SWIM has had a 5k1(10mg) temazepam white pill and a few 5mg diazepam(prescripted) and his lofepramine.
    maybe things will work out...in this timeframe....MAYBE ;)

    xtra thanks i think i maybe did get some soul searching done in my sleep last nyte and maybe, just MAYBE SWIM's new script is working. thx and may the good-vibe-energy of the universe help you all too
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