looking forward and some reflections

By jessilee · Jan 23, 2014 · ·
  1. jessilee
    Im starting this without a title. Cause I have no idea where its going to go... Like I put as a description, pure randomness. I guess maybe that makes me a bit of a scatterbrain. Going on rabbit trails. Darting in so many directions not many can prolly follow. It kind of just spills out.

    I opened up to a guy I know, not extremely well. But well enough to trust him with my issues. He is a MMA fighter with such a knowledge about natural healing, and supplements that I couldnt pass up the option to get the info I have been having so much trouble finding. He was so happy I came to him. And told me about a very reputable man that is known for his knowledge and quality of product. I researched him on the internet, and am pretty excited to purchase some of his products. My friend talked to him specifically about me and my issues, and the Doctor responded with interest and positive thoughts that I can help replenish my body with a little time. And minimal discomfort....that of course is yet to be seen. But this doctor offered his support to me directly. His wife deals with eating disorders and addiction. I have an amazing opportunity here. Why cant I see it like that? Why is it so scary. Even with someone that is a professional with nutrition and reputable, I still think I will get fat again. It really makes me sick with anxiety. Supposedly a lot of people with stimulant addiction need to go on a mostly alkaline diet, with some essential oils. I will find out more about this thou before I spout of some things....

    As usual, I have been thinking too much. Which is actually amazes me because I barely have time for anything, let alone diving into these emotional trenches. I recently had been emailing someone back and forth. Chatting, when I told them that I was going thru recovery now and what not, I received an email. Ir was one line. Saying, I have to stop writing with you at this time, its causing me to really think about using too much. This person a user as well, just had lost his contact maybe. And guess it was causing him to jones for it too much. Now I can understand this. And when i went to reply he must have deleted his email account. Well... I had several feelings about this.... I understood....but than I wondered if it was that I wasnt going to be talking about the drugs I was using anymore. Like maybe that was the only things this person wanted to hear about... I just dont know. I was really hurt. Even though the internet is not a world of "friends" rather just anonymity between people with similar goals, or interests, or DRUGS... I just learned this now... how stupid of me. Im not very experienced in the internet world. And I treat people just like they were right in front of me. Maybe lay a little too much out there. I think I need to change this. Or maybe figure out why I seem to have such issues with abandonment... even from strangers. Wow... writing that last sentence I cant believe how fucked up I am sometimes. From the customers at the bar who you talk with so freely, make that connection (yes I know they are maybe drunk a bit, or whatever) or the friendly person that comes into my other job, they all leave. Even my own parents. Of course. I wonder why I feel this way. Maybe I work so much that I am just lonely. Or maybe the passing of my Grandad who was my world is the reason. I remembered being very little and being so scared because he was 60!! Id say Grandad, your never going to die are you? Never going to leave me, right? And he would always tell me NEVER... I was blessed to have him in my life till I was 29. Now I know reality. That he would pass away one day. But it just doesnt seem fair... am I a perpetual child??
    Yes....pure randomness...

    Time to put this one to rest. Get on with the day here at work and actually do something.

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  1. ZenobiaSky
    Wow, you're starting to sound like me. But I'm glad your still posting to your blog, it really does help to purge those feelings, even if through mindless ramblings. And yes it's scary, change always is, especially when we have to find new ways of dealing with things without our usual crutch. I still get scared and wonder what I'm doing. But at least you have found a doctor that can offer support, that's kind of rare these days. I'm sorry to hear that you finally found someone you felt connected to enough to open up to, and he deserted you. But don't give up, there are good people here who won't desert you in your time of need, I'm proof of that. And on those days that you cant believe how fucked up you are, read my blog, you'll feel much better lol. (Hope that at least put a smile on your face). :vibes:
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