looking in the mirror

By Vincent_Teloc · Nov 7, 2014 · ·
  1. Vincent_Teloc
    Looking in the mirror I don't like what I see the monster I feel I truly am becoming its getting dark maybe closer to another bad ending the price is steep why can I not take that leap why can I not continue to be clean why do I let my addiction surface in other another place I see it in my face my eyes sunk in I look souless my friend I hold my hands up my fingers I can see are withered and slender why do I continue these all night benders... I look at the ground and feel ashamed... I can see that I truly am a addict its black and white its plain day in everyones sight this disease is taking my very soul I feel in not the same and have a black hole a empty shell when will this end only time will tell

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  1. justhowsherolls
    I was just looking through my posts to find something I'd written for a friend. This was one of the links at the bottom of the page.

    Honestly, I wasn't expecting to read this and I've been away from DF for the better part of almost 6 months.

    I'm on day three right now of a bender and about an hour ago I looked into the mirror and thought to myself- "How did you get so gaunt?" I, too, looked at my fingers and wondered. I'm sinewy muscle with slack tendons and my skin doesn't always feel like my own.

    I recently told my dealer that everyone can see it on us. Few know exactly what it is they "see", but it's apparent we are not living healthy, fulfilled, sober lives.

    That's all I really have. Just a bystander to my own life, commenting on something I don't quite understand.

    Sometimes I just wish there was a magic lever I could pull and either be automatically sober, or this dream finally ends and I'm really not consuming a drug that's ravaging my body and brain-I'll awake to find it's a normal drug that doesn't have long-term effects and is easy to quit.

    Idk where you're at in your life now, but if you feel any loss of hope-hang in there. I understand and can relate. We'll overcome this because we're self aware and even though we cozy up to our addiction at times, there is a part of us that wants free. We'll get there. We'll make it happen. (((hug)))
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