I don't have the words to convey vividly enough the anger inside me now as I lay here crying at the loss of Mark who I love in the best most honest and tender way I've ever loved anyone. He would be appalled at my anger and some of the thoughts I am having. Pointless, violent, hurt-the-world thoughts about the state we have come to. This fucked up world that left him so hurt and anxious and with such feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness that his drug use was beyond risky. Drugs ruined his life in so many ways and then stole him from the world. From us. From me.
I know my anger is inevitable and that eventually it will subside a lot. I have no desire to act on it beyond expressing it in words and formulating some way to change what I can to stop this madness that is killing so many. I can't think of anything to do that wouldn't betray his warm, loving, generous nature except to keep trying to reduce the harms of drug use and addiction and to care for those who are hurting and vulnerable. My anger has to end up doing some good to honour him. It is the only way forward.
Mark knew he put himself at serious risk of harm and death with his heroin use, drinking, xanax dependence and use of most every other substance on a regular if not daily basis. He knew this and he chose to continue nevertheless. He isn't blameless in his own fate. But this doesnt mean he should be held responsible or the world absolved of his death. Mark did not aim to die. We spoke of this more than a little. Like most all addicts, he sought relief from pain, from dire loneliness, from anxiety and fear. He wanted to feel good. Fuck knows we all do. And he deserved so much more good than he got.
I feel nothing but compassion for Mark. I love him just as he was--and he knew this, I told him many times and showed him and I know he really got it, we were connected. The person I love wasn't some possible Mark, some Mark I thought he could or should or might some day be. It was him right then without reservation. I knew he was at serious risk of harm and death but practiced non-judgment acceptance hoping that over time he would find a way to live more happily and without such terribly risky drug abuse. I hate the world for not giving us more time. I would trade places with him in a heartbeat if it were possible, to give him the time to find peace while alive.
You made me trust again, you made me happy, you made me a better person and I'll always love you Mark. Rest now SublimeTrip, rest knowing you are loved and will never be forgotten.
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Loss and Anger