Have you recently lost someone? A friend, relative, or even a pet? Feel free to express that loss here. I just lost my kitten, and it kills me.
"I wish that
in this twisted land
there existed a prayer
as solid as my disbelief,
or, failing that,
as solid as my uncertainty.
For I look to the heavens
from whence come no aid;
My gods? Not divine, for they are made.
Made of Man, made of fire, filled with salt.
My eyes are as a single star, long since set.
I do not praise the lame or halt.
I judge not, nor will I ever forget."
Or here is another one:
"Ashes to ashes
and dust to dust
will not bring back the Dance,
nor the Dancer.
Chaos to order, and back to the flame
brings back no songs without name
For the lesson I have learned
is that, there is none.
No one else will sing with me those songs,
nor dance, nor smile that smile.
Because one less one is none.
Update-it never gets any easier. I came home today to find the city animal control parked out front. I got out of my car wondering which dog got out this time and how much it was going to cost me, only to see him getting out of his truck with a large plastic bag.
I knew right then that I had lost another member of my pack. One of the original Rotten Little Kittens, Maximus kittamus (he was a roamin' cat) was brought home on his shield rather than with it, as the old saying goes.
The officer said that he had received a call from a man who said he had just struck a cat while driving down the road. He got to the location to find the man still there waiting. The guy told the cop that it was so sudden that he had no chance to even try and stop, the cat had just ran across the road like he was being chased. He said he hit him square, and that there was no chance for my cat to have felt anything. Normally, when an animal gets hit by a car, they don't die right away. but when they do die, you can see it in their face.....eyes rolled back, mouth drawn, and teeth showing. Extreme pain and confusion.
My Maxie looked like he just went to sleep. No pain, no confusion. he was just.....gone.
I am, and have always been, a dog person. I don't really like cats all that much. But this one broke me.....ME! Someone who has been to hell more times than he can count, who has seen it ALL-military, prison, addiction.....a fucking CAT makes me cry uncontrollably.
I have owned 4 cats in my life (if one can ever "own" a cat), and they all have a story. There was Pixel, who I found as a 6 week old kitten left on the side of the road, who I had for 1 1/2 years, and who walked through the wrong wall one day and got eaten by a coyote.
There was Gregory, a 15 pound grey barn cat that went head to head with a neighbors pit-bull while I was on vacation and got literally torn open, but held on for 6 days at home by himself, until I got home and found him and took him to the doctor. The doc said he was waiting on me to come home before he died, and I told her that money was no object, to just fix him. $1400.00 later, I had a barn cat with a hell of a scar and no balls (they had been partially ripped away and what was left was hanging out of his ass). And why did I spend that much on a stupid cat? Well, the wife told me I should take him out back, dig a hole, and put him out of his misery. As I was thinking on this, I over-heard my 2 daughters talking. The oldest was saying that dad was going to have to shoot Gregory, but the youngest said no, that dad says Pack always sticks together, no matter what.
What in the hell was I supposed to do? Fix the goddamned cat!
Then there was Poopy-butt, for whom this article was originally written. Poopy-butt was a flat-faced, blue-eyed helpless little kitten that was the spawn of the other original Rotten Little Kitten. He was born damaged, with some kind of weird auto-immune shit, and he never really had a chance at life. I kept him for 8 weeks, making sure he ate and then keeping him clean when he shit it all out or threw it all up. I kept him warm and comfortable, and tried so very hard to make sure he knew he was loved. But he fucking died on me anyway. And he was just a baby. So very small! He was less than half the size of his siblings when he went away. And I tried so damn hard! But whatever it was, it finally overloaded his system, and there was nothing I could do.
Nothing I could do.
At 53 years old, I had never in my life said that. Until that moment. I had to hold my kitten while he died in my hands. I have killed before, and I have had others try to kill me. I have held friends while they died. I have been buried elbow deep in a friends guts, trying to hold him together until the medics got there. I have been shot, stabbed, cut, and blown up. I have shot, stabbed, cut, and blown up other living, thinking human beings. None of that ever bothered me.
So why did this cat? I said right then.....never again. I will never allow another creature to affect me in this manner.
Then came Maximus. We were on vacation in Arizona visiting my son and his family. they originally had one cat, and, as cats do, it multiplied. Dramatically! When we got there, they must have had a dozen cats of different generations, from old to kitten. My youngest daughter (she was 16 at the time) wanted a kitten and I told her no, because she always wants a pet but then loses interest when it gets big, and I end up taking care of the damn things. She had her little fit, and then it was dropped.
Until we were half-way back home. THEN I hear this little whimpering sound coming from the back seat. And all I see in the mirror is her smiling face. It would seem that she decided that she would smuggle the kitten back home without me knowing it, and by then, it would be too late. Son of a bitch, was I mad!
Until he climbed up on my shoulder and went to sleep. He rode there all the way through New Mexico and Colorado. Sleep for awhile and then wake up and make his way to the other shoulder, where he would go back to sleep. We got home and she went to grab him, and he made it VERY clear that he was right where he wanted to be.
For the next 3 years, he would graciously allow others to pet him occasionally, but wherever I went, he went. I get out of bed at night to get a drink, he walks with me. I go downstairs to do things, he goes with me. I take the dogs for a walk, he walks right alongside us. I take the dogs to the lake to go swimming, he swims too. Funniest shit I ever seen! It was even funnier than watching the dog wipe its butt on a piece of carpet, which for some reason, I find to be the most hilarious thing I have ever watched in my life. It was obvious that he had chosen me, and that I was his human.
And now he is gone. And I hurt all over again.
A few days ago, I lost The Dog. She died in my arms, and it has broken me. My best friend of 14 1/2 years slipped away from me between breaths, and I could not stop it. I thought I knew about pain and sadness.