Lucid Dream: Love What You Are

  1. Dancing Chick
    For most of the non-lucid part of this dream I was back in school, for some reason. There were a lot of things going on here, but the main thing I really remember is this guy that I knew since back then apologizing for calling me names in school, which I don't think he ever actually did. Given that, I was surprised to hear it but I accepted his apology all the same. As the day ended I started walking out to the parking lot and met up with this school friend of mine from those days who was a rock climbing nerd, and we started talking about how it was odd that so many people from our middle school were walking around here.

    Around this point I was starting to become lucid, and I decided that it would be fun to start grabbing cars by the rear and hurling them into the sky. Some of these cars had people in them too, but I just laughed as they went spinning off into the horizon. One in particular looked really cool as it went through a cloud and caused it to disperse, only to have it reform after the car finished passing through. It was all very vivid and detailed, and I was really enjoying myself. I decided to move on to something else, and in order to get rid of distractions I snorted my friend. His entire being. Some voices started criticizing me for this, but I reasoned that he would come back out in about twenty minutes as someone else and I should go prepare for it....

    I believe it was around this time that I suddenly transitioned into someone's apartment. Possibly an imaginary one of my own? My awareness must have flaked out a little when I snorted my friend, because there was a decent setting change. I was now Robin (Cobie Smulders) from How I Met Your Mother and I walked into the bathroom of the apartment, leaving the door open. Outside, Marshall (Jason Segel) was knocking on the front door and telling me I needed to hurry up for some reason. Throughout the entire rest of the dream he was talking about some things and I was sort of mindlessly responding to him, and perhaps for that reason I can't remember for the life of me what it was that we were talking about. I was too distracted to really notice.

    Normally when I'm in a dream, looking into a mirror is a bad idea. Only a few different things have happened historically: the reflection is extremely distorted or bizarre, and the dream ends; the reflection is sort of me but a little deformed and often erratic, not copying my behavior, and it leads to a weird delirium and the dream ends; or it begins some weird pattern like an infinitely repeating reflection, and the dream ends. The one time that really stands out though is the first significant lucid dream I ever had. I flew to the bathroom, looked into the mirror, and shouted out a transformation sequence with no hesitation. It worked perfectly, and I became a classmate of mine, though not quite with a full outfit.... This immediately became a focus of lucid dreaming for me, as I was using it to self-medicate for my transgender issues. I think that anxiety that built up from that over time, which also effected my psychedelic use, and rejecting my actual body is probably what played an important role in why mirrors were so distorted for me in dreams.

    Recently, following several trips of varying strength with DMT, decent use of cannabis, and most importantly meeting someone amazing who is more mind-expanding than any drug could ever hope to be, my general mindset has been becoming very psychedelic. I've been trying to integrate a lot of the experiences I had and just life experiences and lucid dreams and the like into my current attitude and it's been allowing me to drop several large anxieties that I was holding on to. One of these, probably the most significant of all of them, is that I still hadn't accepted my current body for what it is. I've been on estrogen therapy for a couple of years now but I haven't had any surgeries yet, but I've still been thinking about them very urgently. It occurred to me that if I wanted to live without these kinds of stresses then I need to stop thinking of the body I was born with as a problem that needs to be fixed and instead just as myself, which I should love like every other part of myself, and remember that surgeries are just a matter of preference....

    I won't go to deeply into it since that isn't the point here, but what I'm getting at is that these changes in perception of myself and of what gender even is have been opening up all sorts of new thoughts for me which focus around respecting my current body which I had previously rejected, and think that's probably why this happened. When I suddenly became aware that I was Robin in the dream, I looked in the bathroom mirror and noticed myself (her) perfectly rendered. The visual was crisp and clear, there were no strange deformities or other issues, and everything I did was reflected exactly right. As the rare times when I actually have achieved something along these lines in dreams before have too, this got me really excited. I'm already sexually stimulated by default in lucid dreams, and so an issue with this in the past is that whenever these things occurred I would become aware of my sleeping body in bed reacting physically to my feelings.... This perception would seep into my dreams and I would become anxious, lose focus, and the dream would fall apart. This time was no different as far as my body reacting goes, but there was no associated anxiety and the dream remained perfectly stable.

    I felt very empowered by what I was experiencing, and I guess part of me remembered that I was supposed to be getting for my snorted friend to re-emerge or something because I started changing my outfit after that. I can't really remember that well what I had been wearing initially, but I know that after I removed my top I was still wearing a cami that I believe contained some darker tins of red, blue, white, and maybe some emerald green.... I was going to change my underwear so I took my pants off and noticed that my outer sensations had sneaked there way into my inner reality. In the past I can only imagine that this would have caused me to feel really uncomfortable, but now it was actually sort of relieving.... It still didn't cause me to lose focus or anything, I actually just felt even further empowered by knowing that I could see and feel my body like this and still feel that same feminine and sexual rush. It was the perfect way for my mind to show me that the problems I had perceived with myself before had absolutely no impact on how beautiful of a human being, physically or emotionally, you can be. It furthered a lot of my recently-developed thoughts on what transgender sexuality even is as well. I looked down on the ground and found a garter belt, so I decided to start putting it on. It was black and very sexy, What's interesting though is that there was actually a white belt attachment too, running vertically from the front to a chain link connection at the back. I have a feeling I know what my mind added this belt for, because it was very effective at it.

    I stopped to look at myself so far, now just with the same cami and the garter belt / belt fusion on, and seeing my reflection felt incredible. I posed and enjoyed myself for a minute while listening to whatever it was that Marshall was still talking about, and then I started thinking about putting on my stockings and a dress that was also in the room. However, at that point the dream faded away.

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