Lucid Dream: Remembering to Let Go

  1. Dancing Chick
    This dream journal entry was originally written on November 13th.

    I don't recall if something was happening in the dream before this point, but I was walking around in a department store at around the time I started to become lucid. I don't remember very many specific details from this point, but I do know that I was in an argument with one of the cashiers at the front of the store. I had been attempting to buy something while I was still mostly non-lucid, and I think it pretty much vanished from the dream. The main thing I recall is telling the cashier that he was going to have to give me his pants for some reason, and I suppose it was a valid enough reason because he actually took them off and frustratedly handed them over. I just tossed them back to someone else in the store who had been joking about keeping the pants for himself, saying that I didn't even want them. Every person in the store, aside from the cashier, was actually singing about this event as it was happening. This is a surprisingly common occurrence for me in my lucid dreams. There was even a lull in the instrumentals playing in the background and everyone's singing so that I could solo the final verse as I walked out the front door. I don't recall the lyrics now, but I wish I did.

    As I walked out front I was becoming more aware. I suddenly felt the desire to summon a group of women and they all immediately spawned in front of me, four of them wearing blue dresses. This was a very casual effect and I was surprised that it went as smoothly as it did, but I felt that it did reflect my thoughts about letting my mind materialize my desires on its own. These four women all approached me and encircled me, placing me at the center of a big group hug between them. Because of this one of them was behind me and I could only really see the other three. I specifically remember that there was something "special" about each of them that I saw. The woman to the right of me was singing and had an absolutely beautiful voice; once again, I don't recall the lyrics. The woman directly in front of me was the most caring and affectionate of the group; I was staring directly into her eyes and felt very safe and loved. The woman to the left of me was simply the most aesthetically appealing of the group, the most attractive in a purely sexual way. Unfortunately, I don't remember what it was that stood out to me about the woman who was behind me, probably for that reason.... However, thinking back, what I would actually say about her was that she seemed the most "normal" of any of them, but in a good way.

    When I was focusing on these women around me, the world suddenly started spinning behind us and transforming into different environments. I find this incredibly interesting, because it is similar to every full entity contact experience I've had on a drug, the ones with actual interactions anyway. On LSD, 2C-I, and salvia I was faced with ghostly blue girls in trippy outfits who encircled me and overwhelmed me, leading to lots of sexual euphoria and transitions into new phases of the trips. These women were in much more normal outfits than any of these entities, but they were also fully rendered. What stands out to me is that they were wearing blue, and that these same sexual feelings occurred, and at some point during it all the dream scene suddenly changed. I honestly can't remember a whole lot about my new scenery other than it was outside somewhere, and it seemed rather abstract compared to most dream environments I have. The women were also nowhere to be found; I suddenly came to just on my own in this place.

    Once I gathered myself I decided to try more summoning. I chose to call upon a girl who I knew in my high school senior PE class. This girl has had a large impact on my life, though in a rather superficial way.... In high school I had a lot of very severe body issues because I'm transgender, and I spent a lot of my time feeling dissociated from life. While growing up I had slowly crafted what I felt to be a mental self image of what my "true" self should look like, how I would appear if my looks mirrored my personality. This girl from PE left a large imprint of my mind because she looked more similar to the image I had built up for myself than anyone else I had ever met, and thus brought out a lot of insecurity for me. Because of this, I also often tried to summon her in dreams or in trips as a way of using her to sculpt my perception of my own body toward the way I felt and lessen my anxiety, which conversely only made me feel worse. Within the last couple of years I have been letting go of a lot of these feelings, and just within the last few weeks I've actually been making amazing strides in this area of my life, but old habits die hard. She's usually the first person that comes to mind with summoning, and this time was no different.

    Already in this dream I had made great progress in summoning with the four women from before. Aside from my most recent time, every experience I'd ever had involved summoning objects from behind me, or summoning people from around a corner and going to find them there, or anything like that. Shortcuts, ways to help my mind deal with what I was trying to do. The last time I tried it I managed to create a small object in my line of sight, and though it was difficult, I felt it was a large accomplishment. So obviously, those four women made me feel great! This next time I tried it there was even more of an animation to it, rather than them just fading into existence. As I pictured the girl from my PE class, a brown liquid started forming a 3D model of a person from the ground up. I say 3D model because it was similar to if you imagine a computer-generated character with no colors or textures applied yet, so it was all the default color (in this case brown), but everything else was properly detailed. This form held for a moment, then deformed and was filled with color. The result was a nightmarish, mutant alien-like creature that reminded me of a mixture between something out of Star Wars and a deliriant trip. I quickly dropped it from my perception and it vanished and tried again, only to reach the same results.

    I was feeling anxious because I really wanted to summon that girl and I was afraid that the dream would end soon, but it suddenly occurred to me how hard I was trying. I remembered all of my thoughts of simply trusting my mind and letting things flow, and I managed to calm myself down as much as possible. Immediately, the brown liquid started up again. This time, however, it created the perfect form. It wasn't even the girl, but my mental self image that I had always wanted that she looked so much like. It was completely perfect, and I was stunned. But now, instead of being filled with color and coming to life as I expected, she merely gave me a smug smile and then jumped forward into my body. The action alone startled me and I ended up looking down at myself; my body didn't appear to have changed, but my perception of it was very flat and wavy. I amused myself with this for a moment and tried to see if I could stretch and pull it in different ways with my thoughts, but then I became nervous because I remembered past experiences where focusing on myself too much caused the rest of the dream to fall apart and fade away. Whether it was due to this or just expectation, I picked up on it too late and everything faded to black.

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