Mind over Matter, Will Dominates Urge!

By RockytheRock · Sep 8, 2016 ·
  1. RockytheRock
    BLOG POST #2
    8th September, 2016

    Pri Drug: Methamphetamine (Smoke)
    First use: March '14 - July ’14
    Second use: June ’15 - Dec ‘15
    Third use: June ’16 - Sept ‘16

    Current: Coming down

    Other Drugs: Caffeine (Coffee, Energy Drinks, on & off for 8 years)
    Current: Sober for 12 hours

    Alcohol (Bourbon, Beer, on & off for 7 years)
    Current: Sober for 7 weeks (although 1 or 2 drinks once a week)

    Nicotine (regular smokes, on & off for 8 years)
    Current: Sober for 6 months (Although 5 smokes consumed, last smoke was Sunday 28.8)

    Ecstasy (pills, 2 years, began in Jan ‘13)
    Current: Sober since Feb ‘15

    Current situation: Career work part time (whenever I can get work)
    Income work weekends
    Study full time (mon - fri)

    Friday 2nd September, 2016

    I’m Weak…

    ...Yes.. I know, I said I would wait until Sunday morning, when I had my brutal 16 hour shift, and I was going to wait… but I got so much done today, and I had time to clean my pipe. So I done that, for the first time in a while, I fully cleaned out my pipe, with bleach and hot water and let it rest for hours and rinsed (there are ways on how to do it in the forums, so I won’t go into detail). But usually my pipe’s break… so it doesn’t get to the point where I have to fully clean them, usually I just rinse out the resin after every bag (weekly) and clean the bottom with a Q-tip, but this pipe for some reason, has lasted me.

    Anyway, as with everything, it’s a pretty shitty excuse to smoke, but I cleaned out my pipe, and after it was all done, it was like brand new, I simply wanted to test it out. If you’re a daily user like I am, then you’ll know just how easy it is to convince yourself to smoke a bowl.

    BLOG POST #2.2
    6th September, 2016

    You know.. I was going to post some earlier content that I had wrote, but it was garbage, so I trashed it all.

    Basically my situation right now?? I am strong… I mean, I feel parts of me are going back to who I used to be… but I feel stronger, you’re probably wondering how though? Well honestly I don’t know, but as I mentioned above, I didn’t wait until Sunday to smoke, I done it on Friday. Turns out this worked in my favour, and I’ll tell you how.
    So Friday I ended up smoking the very last bit I had, and my dealer didn’t have any more for me (As I was trying to buy on a Saturday at Midnight.. stupid I know).
    So I ended up coming down on Saturday, going to sleep at about 1am, and then I had to wake up at 3am again.. get ready for work and start by 5am.

    I managed to get through it… if fact I didn’t really stop (except for lunch), so by the time I finished I was fine, I got home around 10pm and my dealer was there waiting for me.. yes I bought some more.
    and yes I was slightly in need so I smoked another bowl without realising… (don’t worry, this is all leading somewhere), it felt good… I got that little high that comes when you stop for a bit (even though it was only like 2 days).

    The next day (Monday 5th), I was of course coming down… I was working at the same place but it was only scheduled for 4 hours. Well that 4 hour shift turned into 7 hours, but I was powering through it and I didn’t even go to the toilets to smoke up, in fact there were 2 times I smoked.. once in the morning and once when I got home.
    But I realised something this day, the Sunday I worked 16 hours running off 2 hours sleep, while the Monday I worked 7 hours running off 3-4 hours sleep and I felt WAY more tired. So I decided I’m going to do a little test.

    Today, Tuesday the 6th, is the final day that I worked this job, it was a long day as it was a show and then pack down. Well I started at 7am, through rehearsals and then finally starting the show at 9am. It finished at 3pm and we went straight to packing up. And I found myself being that hard worker that I thought I had lost.. I mean there were guys there that started at 3pm, and come 6pm - 7pm, they were tired from all the lifting and what not, meanwhile I’m over here in my 13th hour of work (running off about 12 hours sleep in 4 nights), and I was on my 2nd, 3rd AND 4th wind.
    I felt like a machine, I was working so hard and it felt so good.. I ended up being 1 of 5 of the last people to stay until the very end (everyone else went home cause they are wimps haha), and as I was walking back to my car, I couldn’t have felt any better, I drove home and although I was tired, I was still pretty pumped up. I was no-where near as tired as if I was on Meth, I felt great.. and I had literally just worked 40 hours in 3 days.

    So what was I saying before about it working out in my favour?

    Well, although I found that Meth did motivate me now when I had it… I was a much harder and better worker off it, and I don’t need it to work 16 hour shifts, or wake myself up if I get up at 3am or 4am. One should defiantly take this as a big kick in the butt excuse to give it up, but I’d be kidding myself if I were to try. Let’s be realistic for a second, although I may not give it up, this has defiantly opened an insight for me, I have lots of work coming up, so if I keep this mindset in my head, and not smoke up the night before (or at least not smoke so much I’ll be coming down the next day), then I’ll be fit and ready for the next day.

    Not only will it improve my health, as I won’t be using daily anymore, but hopefully I’ll progress in my career, as they’ll see I’m working a hell of a lot better, maybe I’ll even be inspired to completely give it up… but let’s just take one step at a time, and as everyone in recovery/weening off a drug should remember, to an addict - there is NEVER an excuse that's pathetic enough to make you think twice, once the idea of using is in your head, there’s no pulling yourself out from it.

    But hopefully I can keep this frame of mind when it comes to my use with work, because honestly.. if there is one thing I need, it’s a DAMN good excuse to limit/slow down my use.

    BLOG POST #2.3
    8th September, 2016

    So here I am… I still have this frame of mind, but I did work today and I’m coming down..

    ...I feel like shit, but not the coming down feel like shit but feel like shit because I was coming down at work and it felt like the old days.
    Now before you jump down my throat, yes I still have the frame of mind I was talking about earlier… why am I coming down at work then?

    Well I was actually supposed to have 3 days off until the weekend again… I had a lot of emails to reply too and housework to do, as I hadn’t got anything done the past few days as I been flat out at work. I lapsed and smoked a few bowls, got really high and then started my housework. It really did work and I wasn’t worried about coming down because I have ways now to combat it, help with it. But whilst replying to a ton of emails, I decided to send an email to the company I am contracting for, asking if they have anymore work for me as it’s coming up to the busy season.

    I wasn’t expecting them to reply back asking me to come in the next day… of course I said yes, but I didn’t think about the comedown, so I figured I would stop smoking then, hopefully by the night I would be fine and I could get some rest and not feel too seedy the next morning.
    Well that didn’t work, I got 6 hours sleep sure, but I still felt like shit… I decided to have some food in the morning and leave my pipe at home.
    It wasn’t a hard day, like I still worked hard and there were times when the time just flew past without me realising, but coming towards the last couple of hours, that’s when it hit me.

    I was lacking in motivation, I was tired, my lips were dry, just the classic case of coming down at work and there was not a damn thing I could say or do about it without blowing my cover… I just had to deal with it, blame the tiredness on the work load of the day (which as I mentioned before, only hypes me up until I’m finished).
    The drive home was brutal.. I walked in the door and within 15 minutes I was crashed out on the couch.

    Slept for a good 5 hours before waking up, and here I am… sitting in front of the computer.

    I hadn’t checked DF for a few days so I thought I better… replied to a few people, read that some people have been reading my first blog and they left some comments a couple of days ago… so that was cool.
    I didn’t even know when I was going to post this blog, I was going to maybe wait until tomorrow.. but I figure I’m here now, and I had a little sleep before so I probably won’t sleep for a few hours, maybe after some food?
    Plus I have a fair bit to do tomorrow so I may as well get this out of the way..

    Anyway… I’m glad people are enjoying reading my thoughts, it’s helped a hell of a lot more to write down what I’m feeling, more than I thought. But not in the way of “wow, that felt good to write that down”.. but more so 'I’d write it down, despite if I feel like it was a shit post or not I’d just keep it there until I was in a sober/solid state of mind, then review what I wrote’.
    Most of the time I’d just look back on it and think “wow, how can I actually be this pathetic to have thoughts like this? what is wrong with me, I seriously need to either re-evaluate my thought process when I’m tweaking.. or slow my pace down”

    OK so that’s it for that… oh I won’t mention what’s going on in terms of the ladies in my life, I feel people are more focused on the drugs part of my life.. so this is like a side story.

    But just quickly, I’m still kind of in the same dilemma, one is an ex and things are still a bit weird.. but we’re friends and talking and it’s all good. And the other I’m having fun with, seeing her every few days.. maybe I’m getting feelings? Maybe she’s just a really good root? I don’t know, I try not to make important decisions when I’m high.

    Anyway.. apart from that, I’m getting more work which is good, I’m recording more people.. OH AND I PASSED.

    Yes I got my results 2 days ago and although my results were pretty shit… I passed and I’m going through to next semester (YAY).

    I’ll work harder at getting better results next semester… but anyway, hope you enjoyed my read.

    Ciao! - Rocky..

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