1. Dear Drugs-Forum readers: We are a small non-profit that runs one of the most read drug information & addiction help websites in the world. We serve over 4 million readers per month, and have costs like all popular websites: servers, hosting, licenses and software. To protect our independence we do not run ads. We take no government funds. We run on donations which average $25. If everyone reading this would donate $5 then this fund raiser would be done in an hour. If Drugs-Forum is useful to you, take one minute to keep it online another year by donating whatever you can today. Donations are currently not sufficient to pay our bills and keep the site up. Your help is most welcome. Thank you.
    PLEASE HELP
  1. bravez
    ABSTRACT:
    Over the last two months and change, SWIM shared his studio apartment with a homeless dealer. Yesterday, SWIM lost his temper and demanded that his house guest pack up his things and leave. SWIM is currently dealing with the ethical, moral, and emotional fallout from previous day's events.

    I apologize up front if this is disjoint or difficult to read. I really just needed to put all of this somewhere and I figure that feedback from near-strangers couldn't hurt.

    Oh, and as an additional disclaimer, I never thought for a moment that I could personally fix the individual in question. I figured the best I could do would be provide a stable platform that might lead to fostering an internal desire to change.

    Last February, I came in to contact with someone I had known of but not really known very well. The person in question, we'll refer to him as "Dude" from here on out, was (and is again, I suppose) a homeless dealer. I can honestly say that I initially invited Dude to stay with me because it was too cold to be on the streets and that I would appreciate the company. The nature of his profession did factor in to the initial equation, but not as much as the first two reasons I stated (call it a 40%, 40%, 20% distribution). I also got the selfish perk of being able to be proud about helping someone less fortunate than myself.

    What I did not know, but quickly learned over the course of Dude's stay in my home was that he suffered from mental illness on top of the problems associated with being a daily user for more than a year. He appeared to suffer from a lack of confidence and self-esteem that would manifest as a malicious voice in his head when he failed at a task. He told me that he resented that he was unable to do some of the things that I could easily do (arrange a hookup online, for example). Initially, I took these things in stride and strongly encouraged him to get in touch with local mental health services.

    I had a vague idea about how my day-to-day living situation might change now that Dude was part of the equation. I figured it would be like any other roommate situation, but I didn't realize just how much the substance's omnipresence would skew the entire setup.

    I found myself isolated from my non-using friends. I felt like I couldn't have anyone over and in my home with Dude or risk a piece of our paraphenalia carelessly being left out. How could I possibly explain why I decided to share my already small space with a non-romantic partner? The people I did meet, while interesting at the time, I now realize are cautionary tales. Of the dozen and half clients I met, I think only two or three had permanent homes and jobs.

    When I would go out to spend time with other users, it was with the ulterior motive of acquring more product. I would arrange hookups, score some product, and half-ass the physical part of the encounter. I would actively target people I knew were easily exploitable or could be burned as contacts. I caught myself paying extra attention for spilled product or 'flailing' with my belongings in someone else's home. Six months ago, I would have asked someone to leave my home for exhibiting similar behaviors. I did not like the person I was becoming.

    When I would get out to spend time with my sober friends, I was either high or in the process of coming down. Either way, I wasn't acting like myself and I was overcompensating, a poor impersonation of my former self. About a month in to Dude's stay with me, I broke down a little and told them that I had someone staying with me to help with the rent. I blamed my anxiousness and fatigue on Dude's previously unknown level of crazy (which was partially true). A few weeks later, my anxiety mounted in to a full panic attack which I again blame on Dude's presence in my life. Later that night, I told one of my sober friends everything and I am thankful that he told the rest of our group.

    I found myself defending him to my friends. He did contribute to the household in terms of food and necessities. He bought new towels and shower curtain/liner for the bathroom. He helped me redo the studio to open the space up and get more use out of my existing furniture. He gave me excellent deals on his wares and gave me product gratis when my funds were low.

    I realized that I was talking about him like someone might talk about an abusive lover.

    On Saturday, April 14, the entirety of the situation finally got to me. I had enough of Dude's complaints about not getting enough alone time, attitude about how life shitty his life, inability to own his mistakes, and unwillingness to take the necessary steps to overcome his obstacles in life. I was done feeling uncomfortable in my own home and enabling what had become a constant source of personal stress. I got very angry and very loud. I told him that he needed to leave my space that same day. I invited my sober friends over to witness Dude's departure and to ensure that I got his building and apartment key. I told him that he had until 9:00p to have all of his things out of the apartment.

    He left around 5:00p to take care of whatever business it was he felt was more important than the matter at hand. I invited more friends over while we waited for him to return. I called him around 8:00p to remind him of the impending deadline. He tried to claim that I told him to be back by 9:00p, but this resulted in more shouting on my part. He seemed to get the message, though, because I saw him across the street with a friend at about 8:35p. We had his things ready to go and were able to deliver them to his feet in one trip. "Get better," I said to him, then, as I turned away, "Namaste, see you in another life." He tried to ask about his prorated share of the rent, but I decided giving him a friend's no-longer needed EBT card was fair. My friends and I left as a group. I had four people with whom I hadn't been completely truthful with up until that day flanking me. He only had one other person I had never seen before supporting him.

    I think the turning point came the night before when I was talking to one of his friends/clients/derelicts I had allowed to linger at my home for a few hours about the legalities of dealing and law enforcement at large. The realization that my name was on the lease and the idea that increased traffic to my place might eventually get noticed had been on my mental backburner for a while. At some point in the conversation, I realized that Dude wasn't worth risking eviction or an encounter with law enforcement and that he didn't have any vested interest in these things, either.

    Ultimately, I feel that getting Dude out of my life was necessary. I do not like the way it went down. I do not like that he paid a portion of April's rent and that I did not give him some form of compensation for that (he claimed that the foodstamp card I gave him only had one dollar on it). I do not like that I put him in a position that required him to scramble to find a new place to live in the space of a few hours. I do not like the fear of potential retribution however unlikely. And yes, I do not like that I burnt a handful of connections.

    I do like that I stood up for myself before things got worse. I do like that I have people who care enough about me to stand by me despite my failings. I do like that I can focus on improving myself and my situation.

    As of right now, Dude's number is blocked from my phone. He can access my apartment building through the front door's keyless entry code, but he does not have a key to any other external door nor my apartment door (which is now deadbolted). I will be contacting my bank and credit card company to preemptively block any attempts at identity theft.

    I honestly don't know at this point whether or not I did him a favor or a disservice by kicking him out my apartment and by extension, my life.

    Thoughts?

Comments

  1. Reason4rhyme
    You made an excellent choice evicting him. Methamphetamine can and WILL make poeple act very, VERY different. Don't be too hard on yourself for letting "Dude" stay so long in the first place... The dope calls to us!

    -reason4rhyme
  2. Metomni
    Definitely did yourself a favor, though as you said, there will be anxiety until a few months go by without incident in regard to break-ins or identity theft. While it was a good thing you were attempting to do, would you do it again if you could repeat the decision? I feel like you did what you had to do. You wanted to help the man, but he apparently did not want, or could not receive, help of any kind you could offer. In fact, it sounds as if he should be in an asylum. Depressed and hearing voices is not a good state to be in for anyone, or anyone living around such a person. The fact that you feel bad means you have a conscience, but my advice would be to not let it bother you. Having switched the situations, he probably would never even have housed you at all and I realize this is a bad way to judge things (because good deeds are done regardless of outward effects) but you tried, you gave it more of a shot than anyone else was willing to, and it just didn't work out. You did not fail, the situation just didn't work out. So move on with the knowledge that you attempted to do something positive, not with the lingering doubt of whether or not you did something negative.
  3. DHCdiva
    I read this post almost as soon as it came up, and I've been trying to find the words I want to say without much luck!

    Basically, you did a good thing.
    You attempted to help someone, even though that could end up with you losing friendships and more.

    You gave this person so much. Yes, they bought a few towels etc, chucked you a couple of hits, paid rent (which, actually isn't a favour, it's what you're supposed to do if you're someones tenant) but you could have ended up in big trouble police wise, if this guy DID have certain mental difficulties there's no knowing if he could've one day physically hurt you, and also having other people coming into your home for the purpose of scoring drugs also put you in danger of a physical attack if someone turned nasty as a result of their drug/needing a hit.

    You have put yourself in many differnt types of risky circumstances whilst helping this person. This to me is something that is very rare and unselfish.

    I think you were very brave to try to help this person. Maybe it is a good idea to class this as an experiment that didn't quite work out as good as it could - but not for anything you did wrong.

    You did what you could to help someone, and that person was unwilling to help themselves at the same time.

    Sorry, i think I'm rambling.

    And now you feel guilty at asking the person to leave at short notice, and am worried about any repercussions. The guilt you feel is further evidence of your obviously caring nature. This person has caused lots of problems for you, yet you still feel as if you are the bad person.

    I'm really having problems expressing what I wish to say.

    I genuinely hope that your kind actions are repaid by karma. I also hope that you will suffer no further problems as a result of giving so much of your life to this person. They have given you nothing in return for your kindness except anxiety.

    I think you have done a very admirable thing.
  4. bravez
    I really appreciate the feedback, you guys. For the record, I don't think I would ever attempt to do something like this again. Especially considering that I hardly knew this person from Adam.

    I also think that karma may have already made good on my experience, because I finally got a job offer for a position that starts next Monday. I'm also relieved that I don't need to attempt to balance a full time job against an unstable home situation in the presence of what equates to an unending fount of product. Talk about throwing on the high octane nightmare fuel.

    Again, you guys have really helped in making me feel better about the outcome and I really appreciate your thoughts.

    -xo

    B
  5. no eff eks
    The way things went down sucks, but that's mostly Dude's fault. I do not really know what you had the power to do that would've helped this guy - beyond things that amounted to enabling his drug use/selling. Your friends are pretty damn awesome, I hope you appreciate their support because not everyone has that.

    Eventually most everyone has to do something for their own good that they know will hurt somebody else. Sometimes it means hurting somebody you truly love, so all things considered hurting a drifter meth-dealer isn't all that brutal. Difficult, scary, but don't feel bad for sticking up for yourself.
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!